Served Cold

Well, isn't that special.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt...it's a frikkin ocean.

What goes around comes around.

People are rarely as they appear. Things are never what they seem. I can't say I am surprised any more. I am jaded.

J-j-jaaaaded

So sick of all the liars in my life.

But at the end of the day, I have no one to blame, but myself. Blind stupid fucking love.

I can't wait until karma breaks all involved. I can't wait.
3 fold.

And I deserve so much more.

I will never fucking settle.

I work too hard, love too hard.

Cry too hard.

I need an outlet.

C'mon karma..... help me out.

A Very Merry

So, I've been to NY to see friends and family, and it was nice. Better than nice.

Came home to some sort of evergreen bush. No, it's not a tree. It's a bush. It has roots, and it's in a pot. It will be planted in the front yard soon. That was what she wanted, so that was what we got. I had to decorate it when I came home. By myself. Woo. It's kind of cute, I suppose. It's better than nothing. Christmas bush. Hahaha.

I got a few nice things for christmas. New perfume! finally! I was more santa like this year- my brother commented on it. Ho Ho Ho.

Lots of things are wrong. It only sort of felt like Christmas.
But.... I press on.

No One Else Will Know These Lonely Dreams,

No one else will know that part of me.
I'm still driving away,
and I'm sorry every day.

I feel like the rain today... I haven't felt like this in a while. That day that I could relate more with the thunderstorm than with other people.


It's a lie, a kiss with open eyes...
I can't let it bother me.

I can't let it bother me.

Right.

Just Leave the Presents and then Leave Me Alone

I MISS MY FRIEND!!!!!
It's simple, but, oh, really, it's not.

I bought a baby fake christmas tree for $3.89. And I bought christmas lights for it. Christmas lights make me very happy.

Today I actually drove into New Haven, I was nervous, but I made it. I had to cover a press conference for WQUN. I admit, it felt rather pointless. But I guess, when you're in radio news and you're going some place just to hear people talk if feels pointless because there's this little invention called the phone. But any way, I felt like I was in Gotham...yes, the fictional city. Batman wasn't present, nor was the Joker, but the press conference was about the new "Ban the Box" initiative the city has enstated. Basically they're taking the "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" box off of the city job application. It reminded me of the corruption and crime of Gotham. I mean, if you combined the political corruption of Waterbury with the 5,000 ex-cons trying to find jobs in New Haven, you'd have Gotham. But I covered a story, and I am a real reporter- kind of. So weird.

I got my grades. What a disappointing semester. Overall it didn't really harm my cumulative GPA all that much, but still. Lots of unwanted B/B+s and not enough A/A-s. However, it's clear evidence of my slackery, not to mention my ever-so-lovely emotional state for the majority.... wait...the ENTIRE semester. Whatever. Too bad my GPA holds a larger chunk of my self worth than I'd like to admit.

Christmas approaches quickly. I spend more time alone than around people. I got a bunch of stuff for people, but I still have so much more to buy, and only one paycheck, and one trip to NY to finance. Ugh. I have plans for tomorrow though. The dollar store is my bff.

I haven't done dishes in days. Not good. Whatever, if I didn't have roommates, I would be one of the messiest people ever. I clean like once every 2 weeks. Idk. I guess I just see other things as more important. But I'm not disgusting, because I'm also OCD about cleaning once I start. Weird.

3 days til Ingrid & the city & the fam. Woop.

Fill Them Up

When everything is slowly stripped away...what is left?
Is this it?

After it all.....


and you give, and you give,
and you give yourself away

DONE, WOOP WOOP!

I am officially DONE with finals this semester, yaaaay.
Dunno how well I actually did on that last one, but I kinda don't care.

I am sitting in the SPB office, and the student center is just so damn eerily empty. I don't like it.

I only have one semester left....ugh. So fucking scary.

What can I do now???
Bake
Go to the Dollar Store
Christmas Shop (with limited funds lol)
Wrap Christmas presents
Watch a lot of Grey's
Oh yeah, Work.

Wish there was a Christmas Tree at my place currently, cause I like them. They make me happy.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SEMESTER IS OOOOOVER!

Ugh, so much free time....so much free time. I guess this is what I need to learn all over again.
:-'( All we can do is keep breathing.

'Cause I Am Giving Up

Oh, life is stressful. But I have one more final, just one more. Tomorrow! Comm. Law! Wish I was done though, so I could actually justify writing in my blog. Oh well. At least the 2 major final papers, a presentation, and a monologue are actually done already. Just one last test. Thank god.

I got my dad part of a christmas gift, also. Yay. But I still have a long way to go with those. Guess that's ok though, since I'll be here all next week so I can work. Hope I can handle the loneliness. Whatever, it's preparation for real life. Ha. It's also better then having the psycho plotting to kill me in my sleep.

Also..... you know, it just makes me sad. Purely sad, but I have to stop. I have to stop trying because clearly I did something wrong or whatever. Or something. Or maybe this is how I'm supposed to get better, how I'm supposed to heal or something. I don't know. I am just floating here though. One bad thing about schoolwork ceasing to exist for several weeks.... it's a lot for time for thinking. So sad. If you push me, I'll move. I am trying to stop trying, and it hurts. Ugh, whatever. Frustrated and done and sad. Happy Holidays.

At least next weekend should be good. Ingrid Michaelson! NYC! Friends! Cousins! Maybe I'll feel like I fit in somewhere again, and I'm not just floating, waiting for someone to snatch me out of the air and give me a place next to them. I'm not depressed any more. A few weeks ago I definitely was. But still....blah.

Thank god for what I do have. My friends here and home. SPB & Tomatoes. These are a few of my favorite things. Things that keep me sane and functioning and laughing no matter how much family drama or boy drama or stupid stressful assignments arise.

I am soooo looking forward to next weekend.

Can't wait to rise above all the bad stuff. It's been over a year of challenges. Rise aaaaboooove.

Far Away, Far Away, I Want To Go Far Away

Challenges keep arising. Optimistic happy people call them challenges, instead of "bullshit" I suppose. Bright and shiny.

I don't feel bright and shiny any more. It's definitely still there, but I'm fighting hard for it. I'm stressed out and lonely- and sad. But whatever. Not like I haven't been through worse I guess, but it was different. Much different.

Psycho Dragon Bitch has reared her ugly head. Hates me for taking my vacation as a vacation and is entirely fucking irrational. It's all about her. SHE doesn't like that I choose to sit on my ass. Fuck her. Seriously. Her chance is fucking done. I mean, it has been since last March. But who the fuck says to their new husband "It's her or me!" Get a fucking grip on reality, it's the house I grew up in, it's MY family, I'm not a 35 year old crack dealer that still lives at home! I love being made to feel guilty for existing. Fucking bitch would love to see my father drop me completely just before my finaly semester of college, wouldn't she? It's for my own good, right? Which is why she makes such a big fucking deal out of it that it threatens HER marriage? Right. It's all for my own good. Yes, that's all she's thinking about- my best interests. Not her controlling-psychopath issues, or her childhood, or how her circumstances were in raising her daughters- right? None of those HUGE ELEPHANT issues have anything to do with the current challenges. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I pulled an Izzie Stevens yesterday and baked 3.5 dozen cookies and will do the same today. Only Izzie does muffins. Izzie also does it only for theraputic reasons, and I was doing it because of the cookie swap tomorrow. As if I have time for it, but whatever. I need to get something theraputic somewhere. Writing English papers is not theraputic. Baking is! Beating up dough with a rolling pin= theraputic.

Anyway, was thinking once again at how it's so damn typical, and I am unwilling to accept typical. Like I guess I could have predicted it all, my 11th grade religion teacher basically did predict it all. You know, it's what people do, it's how love works. I guess I just get confused because I wasn't that girl. Whatever. I just don't know what to do, entirely.