Oh the summertime

This summer has been challenging. Megan told me Adam called it "a grown-up summer" and I think I'd have to agree.

Everyone's farther away. Marie left for a month (she's back now though, thank god), Megan is an hour away, Adam is fairly far. Another close friend basically decided we were too boring, and pretty much deserted us for another group of friends. She's still in contact, and I honestly miss her, though it definitely does sting. I think the boys were right all along about her. There is still tension due to the changes in FoPa. I understand this, but as we continue forward I truly worry that it may not go away. I'm very scared. I feel my chosen family starting to pull a part a little, and it's very hard for me to handle. I suppose it's life, and if we're meant to be friends still we will stay that way. I obviously will be trying.

The wedding looms closer. I've been able to not think about it the past few days some how. I guess I'm ignoring it, or something.

Yesterday I got all productive and called financial aid, dell, and my doctor. Only one thing was truly successful in this mix, and it was the call to the doctor to change a perscription. Financial aid made me angry, as they claimed I didn't get "work study" money this year because myFAFSA was turned in late. My Dad filled out the form, and was pissed. He says it's a bullshit excuse. I guess we'll see what happens. I've been in touch with my manager at the station, and he said he will do what he has to so that I come back, but "hopes the situation won't put him in a bind." He's trying to be nice, but I have a feeling I may lose my job because of this, and I NEED it. This fucking sucks.

My driving retest also gets closer. I always think about it before I fall asleep. I'm trying to stir up some more of that anger/frustration/focus. I can't have one without the others. I will not focus on how much rides on this (ha, no pun intended.) I simply can't. I have to let it go I guess. I'm sticking around the house this weekend to drive every chance I get. I really should practice in Naugatuck around the same time i'll probably be driving when I actually take the test. I wish I wasn't such a spazz.

The same issues have been on my mind for the past month or so, not a whole lot has changed. I really need to think about moving back into school now, though. That's another date I need to pin down, like NOW, so that my landlord can meet me with the key. Oi.

I'm Made Out of Glue

Ooooooh, it's just times like right now that I could just lose it due to frustration.

Stuuuuuck here, right here. Glued down.

Can I go meet people like a half hour away to catch a movie? Obviously not, because by the time it's over Dad won't feel like driving to come pick me up, and I can't go to Erick's tonight cuz he has a full day and I refuse to sit around his house doing nothing. And I feel it's unfair to ask anyone else to drive me home.

UGH, I feel like I'm 5 years old. I hate that it makes the back of my eyes burn with tears, because it's SO STUPID.

;lekf;aiwehihaknvlakddnl;kcnaasdi3229ue4asdlfkjf;aiew;hroih'eia'nflkandslkfn!!!!

I kinda planned to write a real entry today, but now I should forget it, because I am just...ugh.
Bye.

Give Them Hearts to Love Alone

I went to the memorial service today for the mother of 2 of my old friends from church. It was of course at the same church my mom's funeral was, and clearly the first hymn to be sung had to be "Here I Am Lord." We got there 5 minutes before it began, and the church was absolutely packed. We were standing, and I ended up sitting in a pew right in front of my Dad. There were no hymnals left, and the woman next to me insisted on sharing. I had to sing "Here I Am Lord," or look like an asshole. So I sang it, quietly, and fought tears the whole time. I turned around afterwards and my father was crying.

It was good to go, and necessary. Because I know how it feels to lose someone like that. So anytime I know someone who loses a mother especially, I feel I SHOULD be there. It was hard to sit there, though. But experiences like this push you to grow. It was nice, as the family exited they played the "Sunscreen Song" because it was a favorite of their mother's. It was cute. Overall the service was as about as upbeat and happy as can be managed. I admire them for that, my mother's was much more sad in ways.

As they spoke about her, though, I felt robbed. All the things she was able to share with her family during her short time here, my mother could not. There were many things she did share, and I did learn, I am not unthankful. However, I feel robbed. Life is not fair, but this fact does not make any of the hurt go away. I think lately I feel particularly robbed, because there's a new woman in the house, and I don't have much of a desire to learn from her.

I've been yo-yoing the past few days. I go from truly being ok, to frustrated, to crying. I feel needy, and I do not like feeling that way. It will really take some self control to be ok on the day of the wedding. I'll have to be there, but not be present. It's the only way I'll make it through.

I think that dream I had not too long ago truly means something, or it was my mom trying to tell me something. If it was I wish she'd come to me again.

I'm thinking that for the past several months, I've been in the transition to adulthood, and it has not been easy at all. I'm often an emotional wreck, and I did not spend much of my life like this. I hope it is truly just a phase, and I will grow out of it. I spoke with my friend Amanda about it last night. It seems I'm just transitioning, and transitions are happening all around me. It's hard. I always initially react to change in a panicky way, and over time I readjust, it's just the way I work.

I really want to go back to school. I'm not looking forward to the STRESS that school induces, but I am looking forward to being out of this house where STRESS is induced almost on a daily basis by a woman is not mentally sound.

On a lighter note, I'm addicted to a game called Granny in Paradise. It's similar to Mario, though simpler. The character is a "Granny" type character, and the goal of the game is to rescue all her cats (no lie) before you get attacked by an enemy. It's pretty funny.

La Familia's Dead and Gone

No matter how hard I try, I cannot make peace with this within me. Sometimes I feel sorry for her, sometimes I feel her frustration, but mostly, I hear her mock my father when he says he's tired from his TWELVE HOUR DAY at work.

I cannot let it go. I do not think ANY amount of therapy could help me through this one. They SHOULD NOT be getting married. HE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER, and he deserves SO MUCH MORE. It kills me.

You are SO DEPENDENT, and so am I, but I am a 21 year old college student, you are 54. Fifty-Four!!!! What if you didn't have him??

I do not believe you were made for each other. I believe you are a leech. I believe you have good intentions, but they are tainted and twisted, and even those good intentions are selfishly motivated. I hate the fucking poem stanzas you are putting everywhere, they're ridiculous and overly romantic. You want control, and you want money. You feel you deserve these things!

YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY.

Stop calling me your "bonus-daughter." Even when you take his last name, you will not be my family. That idea makes me sick. It makes me so sick that we will share the same last name. I do not want to be linked to you in such a direct way. I find you embarassing and weird, and I am not a mean person. You have pushed me as few people have in my life.

You are not my family. You are not my step mother. You will be my father's wife.

That is all you are to me.

Grown-Ups Lie

I spent the last 3 nights at Erick's house, which is why I've been so M.I.A. on the internet. I like disappearing for a few days at a time. It used to make me feel upset and disconnected, but I guess part of me realizes it's necessary for my sanity.

Last night Erick took me on a date! Which is always pretty historic. We went to Panera for dinner and went to see Hancock. The movie had a cool concept that I really liked, but was ultimately full of huge plot holes and had a rushed ending. I thought Will Smith did a good job though, the character he played was atypical for him.

I feel very antsy. In almost that good-energetic-I-want-to-exercise way. On Monday, Kevin, Nessa and I (no, Erick didn't want to go) went to a "beach" in New London. It was complete with a 1/2 mile "boardwalk," crappy beach food, a pool, waterslides, and an apparently overrated carnival. I spent too much money for what it was, but it was really really nice to stop sitting around doing nothing or watching TV. It sucked that Erick didn't go, but I had a good time with Kevin and Nessa anyway. The experience was tiring, however, it was a lot of physical activity for me for one day, and so that antsy-jumpy feeling I have now is my body saying "LET'S KEEP EXERCISING!!!"....alas I am apparently too lazy. At least for the moment.

The drama from my previous entry cleared up that night. Good friends are very understanding.

I have a lot of "feelings" stuff to write about. Erick was having a job interview at a grocery store and I was nextdoor in a Pharmacy waiting for him (too hot to sit in a car with a/c that doesn't work) and I was entertaining myself by reading greeting cards. The wedding ones caught my eye, and my physical reaction was slumping over and almost getting teary... I have to keep acting like I'm ok with it. However, I know deep down: I am not. I'm "acting" ok to protect myself, and to protect my father and possibly even my brother. My reaction to the cards just revealed how upset it truly makes me...not matter how much I rationalize it, or "accept" it, or what have you. Blah. Being a grown-up sucks in that way. We have to lie sometimes about our gut instincts or about our feelings.

I suppose that's another entry. I have a lot of feelings. I realize that these past months for me, December to about May, were some of the worst of my life. I refuse to let senior year be like that.

It's Getting Harder and Harder to Breathe

4th of July has been a running bad day for me the past 2 years. Erick and I fought our hardest 2 years in a row. This year that changed slightly. He fought hard with his Mom, and and hard with life's frustrations. He lashed out. Maybe Saturn comes into Peices in July? I don't know, but I wish there was an explanation as to why he loses is all every year on the 4th of July.

There were tentative BBQ plans at the Alfisi house, but I was under the impression everyone was off, and they apparently were not. So Erick's drama with his Mama (haha) caused a lot of tension and took up several hours of the evening. Kevin and I did damage control until close to 9pm. It wasn't exactly fun. The weather was grosss. We sat around, ate grilled cheese. Needless to say, none of the tentative plans worked out at all. I guess things got confused all around, and "plans" with others got twisted? I don't really know. But I do know that now there are things to be explained and issues to be cleared up. Bleh. I understand that drama is a part of life, but I'm really sick of it.

In the end, the Alfisi drama died down, and we got Erick to agree to leave the house. We drove to a back road in Bristol and watched the Lake Compounce fireworks at 10pm, then stopped and got frosties. First time Erick and I have ever watched fireworks together peacefully, it was nice. Semi-romantical.

I think I might actually make it to a beach on Monday with Nessa, Erick, and Kevin. I hope it happens.

Today I "got back on the horse" and I drove home from Mary's Granddaughter's birthday party. driving the Honda is nicer than driving turtle (little Toyota) and I felt a little more confident. I hoped this would happen....I get really pissed off and determined. Seriously, I'm going to run with that energy. The birthday party was fine, in their steep-hill of a backyard with some of the best BBQ food I've had this summer. Danielle (Mary's daughter) called me her children's "Aunt." Which, I have to admit, doesn't bother me at all. I think it's cute, mostly because I really like the children. I guess I'm going to be their step-Aunt. Hmmm....

I've had a decent day, and I'm in a decent mood I suppose. I just hate having drama looming. I just want to talk about it and get it over with. Blah.

I'm Weak I'm Not Where I Want to Be

I failed.

I'm angry at myself.

It's funny how it works, cuz of course I got a 100 on the written, right?

I guess I was thinking too hard about HOW MUCH depends on this fucking piece of plastic with my photo on it matters.

The inspector was 500 lbs, and went between being a complete asshole and being a decent human being. I take responsibility for failing, right of way mistake, big surprise. However, he was still an asshole.

"back into any one of these spots" (I do it, and I'm slightly to one side, but not far off the middle) "You need to be in between the lines" .... "uh...can I look and see where I am?" ..."You need to be in the lines, you need to straighten out" (I open the door and look and I AM between the fucking lines, almost in the middle, but i follow orders and straighten out, aka, center myself)

I suppose everything happens for a reason, and it means I need more practice. I retake August 4th.

Try, try again...... but it still fucking sucks. I still feel stupid. Stupid piece of plastic...that I want/need ever so badly. :-(

Dream

It's 9:01 AM, and normally I would not be awake. But I just had a dream that was so intense, the kind that makes you inclined to not want to go back to sleep. Of course I now need to write it all down...

The first thing I remember is standing outside a hospital room in the hallway. Or something to that effect...this part is getting blurry already. I know that my dad and brother were with me. We go into the hospital room and my mom is in there, she's as sick as she was before she died. Only, she's on a ventilator, but apparently the ventilator is magical, because it controls her breathing and everything, but she is conscious, and can "talk" as she would've "talked" in real life. Also, it is not in her mouth. There's just a machine nearby that controls her breathing some how. The story here, as well as I can remember, is that I was at college for a long span like I always am, and someone made the super-bright decision of not telling me that my mom was in the hospital. I had no idea how long she'd actually been there or anything. The reason I was now brought there was because it was time for her to leave. It was time to turn the ventilator off and let her go. I was so angry walking in because no one had told me she was here, and now I had to say goodbye, and it would never be enough. I was fairly calm at the beginning, just angry. So I walk in and see her in the bed. Her blue eyes follow me. [ I rarely dream about my mother, so when I do, it's usually quite stirring] I sit down next to her bed [similarly to how I used to do this next to the wheel chair] and start talking to her. I don't really remember what was said, I just remember the feelings. I know we were communicating, and I felt a lot of understanding passing between us.
I know she was aware of what was going on, but she didn't let it overwhelm her. The one thing I do remember her "telling" me was that Brooke and Amanda [my childhood friends/neighbors] had called her and talked to her and it made her so so so happy. I took a little break from Mom, and I walked out into the hallway again. At this point I overhear the doctor explaining to my Dad what is going to happen..."First, we'll just slow down the breathing, and eventually it will stop." Dad nods gravely. I walk away and start crying, hard. I am drawn back to the room, but I cannot stop crying. Dad sees me and says something like "ooooooh, honey." It's notable, though, in the dream he is not equally upset. He is upset, but not to the degree he really would have been. I know I spent a lot of time "talking" to Mom. At some point the doctor comes in, and Mom and I are alone. He does something to the "ventilator" and her breathing slows, and she becomes unconscious. I start crying again, and while I was alone with her in the room, I know that my Dad wants to leave immediately. So we leave before she has passed.
Back at home, for some reason, I seem to have walked up the hill to my house instead of accepting the ride up it. I emerge across the street from my house, between the 2 houses, and Amanda is there. She's trying to comfort me, and telling me to talked to my mom earlier in the day, and all this stuff. I tell her what my Mom said about Brooke and her calling, how it was one of the happiest things that had happened to her. As I grow more and more upset, Amanda leaves and I guess I went into the house. I go into my parents room and lay on the bed [It still looked like their actual room] I fell asleep briefly, when I awoke, Mary was in the room. She's doing something at the foot of the bed, and she has to keep going back into my Mom's closet [that I somehow truly know is Mary's] I figure out she's wrapping gifts. She keeps going back into the closet to grab things. I don't think she was aware of me there. As I watch her I start getting really, really angry in my head. I'm mentally yelling at her, "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!? SHE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!! SHE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!! WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!??!!" The crying freaking continues, and I am magically upstairs. I'm trying to find my cell phone in my messy room because I want to call Erick so badly. I remember that I have the wrong number programmed into my phone, and have to search around for the new one. I'm crying really hard at this point.... and then my conscious mind started to pull at the dream, because I remember thinking "it isn't fair to compare her to your mother, it really isn't fair, they are 2 different people, it's not right to compare them."......

and now I'm awake. I think I know a lot of what contributed to the dream.
:-(