We Were Both 16 and it Felt So Right

There are times when logic, anger and truth rule every other part of me...heart and mind.

But there are other times when I just hear a stupid song...and I lose it.
I notice the stars are particularly bright... and I backtrack.

The opposite of love is not hate,
it is indifference.

Do I ever reach indifference?
Do I ever really want to?

Is it possible to let go mentally, but not emotionally?

I am ok, but I am not at all ok.

Truth...

It's funny how it seeps through the cracks and rises out of the shadows.
It will always find away.
I am so willing to help it

Who would think that the scariest thing about Halloween, would be the truth, rearing it's ugly head.

Oh my my.

Happy Halloween!! It's my favorite...

God, I Feel Like Hell Tonight...

... Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

It's been a highly stressful weekend, with good points, and little sleep.

Friday I was not on top of my game, but Nessa and Meg came over! We made empanadas, and watched Grey's for a few hours. Made me happy :) I start to miss those girls when I don't see them for a while.

Saturday I was up at 6:30am, and on campus by 7:15 for The Leadership Conference. I made buddies with the keynote speaker and made sure everything was technically sound. As far as tech stuff, it went pretty well. It was a long day, though. The conference started at 9:30 and went til 4. It was nice, and fairly productive. However, it was long. All I wanted to do was nap. I looked like hell. I got a nice little gift from the woman who ran the whole thing- a QU travel mug with the bobcat on it filled with candy. Now I have an excuse to make hot chocolate and carry it around with me. Got other free stuff, too. Yay.

Today I scheduled the first official Tomatoes rehearsal. Most of the cast didn't show. It was bullshit. Made me angry, as if I already wasn't...

Can't wait to feel whole again, to breathe again. When does that happen? C'mon bad year, be OVER.

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?

Are You Strong Enough?

Great, great Sheryl Crow song.

I should be asleep.
I'm going to regret this tomorrow, since I'm going to be a slave to my involvement from 7 until 4, and then from 6 until 10, or later.
Not thrilled about this.

I feel crampy and gross.
and angry, and confused, which is normal now.

I want to just sit here and listen to music, my 90s music. Sheryl Crow actually offers a lot of advice in her hit singles that seems to apply to me now. It's too bad her music started to suck once the decade changed.

Ugh, I don't even have a point. I am overwhelmed, and all I want is to curl up in a ball and sleep it out, like a bear. Wake me up when it's wam again. Maybe I'll have some answers.

I should try to sleep.

No More Pressure

It's not fair. It's really not. It's not fair that I'm the way I am and you're the way you are.

It's not fucking fair.

The pressure is now off in ways. I understand that.

Better all around for both, one would say.
You have an uphill battle ahead.
I've already been "abused."
Better for both, better for both.

But knowing the nature of those involved. Knowing myself..... It's just not fair.

And it's projections, but I trust my gut.

God fucking damnit. It's not fucking fair.

Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, WHA-BAM!, Realization (cue the angelic chorus and light), and then...!
Uphill battle. (I understand that)
It won't work if I'm there. (I understand that. Plus, why should I suffer any more?)


My only gain is to stop being harmed. IT'S NOT FAIR. UGH, I sound like an ass.

My feelings fucking betray me over and over and over and over.
"Don't wait for me"

I won't I won't I won't. Not on purpose anyway. But I still wish that it hadn't been said.
I KNOW there are no guarantees on either end, I understand that. I really do.


BUT EVEN NOW, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FORCE MYSELF OUT OF LOVE.

I admittedly could be wrong, I really really could be. I could be completely wrong.

God almighty, I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Scared. out. of. my. mind.

Depressed again, but maybe it's the last time because of this.
And when I hit rock bottom, there's no where to go but back up.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

HOPE.

COURAGE.

STRENGTH.

please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.

Such a MESS.

Where do I even begin?

It's almost November. This means my year from hell should be over soon. Just a few more weeks, and I'm back to where it all started falling a part one year ago. So it stops, right? I get a break, right? I mean, yes, it wasn't completely terrible, but generally it was the worst year I had since my mother died, if I'm being honest. Except that I got my license. That was very good, a big deal, admittedly. Ok, so that was the one big, major thing that went right.

And I lost so much. God I feel like I just keep losing big pieces. Maybe this is what growing up really is. Incredibly, incredibly depressing. (It could be much worse...)

I used to rule the world...

I Am No Superman, I Have No Answers For You

I am no hero, oh, that's for sure
but I do know one thing
Where you are, is where I belong

It's so cold. We haven't turned our heat on yet. It's gas and gas is expensive. So is electricity,but we have gas. I wish I was rich and didn't worry about things like gas bills. I wish none of us did. Especially considering my room has 8 windows. It's cold. I sleep with my down comforter and a huge fleece blanket as well. Last night was the maybe the coldest night so far, and I must've nested perfectly, because I was the perfect temperature. Did so NOT want to get up for work.

Now I need a nap.

I had a jam packed weekend, and it was mostly pretty good, with a nice twist of absolutely confused and lost sprinkled on top.

Things will surely play out... but it's energy consuming to think about.


I carved a pumpkin, and I used one of those fancy patterns. It came out really cool, and I took photos of it for proof. However, I think it was stunned by the cold weather, and is already drooping. Good thing I got pictures. I may carve another one or two since this one was a fail and lasted 2 days. I love the patterns, but this one was too non-traditional to stand up to new england weather. I still have to deck out the front of our house, and perhaps make a scarecrow or something creepy to sit in the front yard. Don't have an exact game plan yet...I love how I act like I actually have time to do these things.

I'm in a fall mood. I love fall. I love October.

I need a night of scary movies and halloween themed junk food. We did that back in high school and it was fun...

I will focus the most on my happy-fall feelings, I've decided.

Nap time.

Simply Complicated

I wish it was easy, and the answers were simple.

As my Dad said..."I just wish you guys would figure it out one way or the other."
I've given him a hard time before, about his advice. But the more I think about this one phrase, the more it makes complete sense.

It's sad, that I've been so wronged, and yet I still have feelings.
But I cannot deny them.

I wish that it was as obvious to you.
And I know the fact that it is not so obvious is NOT a good sign :-(
If I'm going on logic, it's the only thing that makes sense.

STILL though, STILL, no matter how high the walls or far the distance or length of time, I am not protected. I am not safe from my own feelings. I guess that's the hard part, though, emotions betraying logic. Heart vs. brain.
I can't seem to separate them. Even at this point.

Back and forth back and forth back and forth.

I'm at work, and maybe at this point it's sleep deprivation, but I can't get it out of my head...

It's Cute How You Try, to Rebuild Your Life

It's amazing how much can change in one week.

I guess in retrospect, it really wasn't actually all that much change. It was exactly what I knew would happen, exactly what I was protecting myself against. Duh.

However, the small part of my guard that was beginning to be let down has been set back up. I don't enjoy living like this, but my nature keeps getting taken advatage of in huge ways. I give the tiniest bit of myself, and oh, look, there it is being trampled on. Awesome.

It's sad to be sad all over again. It's a smaller sadness. Maybe it's more disappointment. I'm so giving up on all this "benefit of the doubt" bullshit. Maybe I should stop that...

Besides, it shouldn't be so effortless to lie to me. It's sad. No conscience, no values, no respect- clearly it's all about only one person, and it isn't me! You would think that after so long...and after so much of me setting the example of what the proper behavior is, that it would become obvious.

Guess not.


Some teacher once told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Food for thought. Certainly makes me feel like a dumbass.

No more "benefit of the doubt." No more sympathy.
We do it to ourselves....we create our own consequences. It just keeps coming up.
Noooo sympathy.


I believe in karma.
Oh, do I believe in karma.


Only a matter of time before the denial floats away. This is my newest prediciton and gut feeling. Let's see if my logic works out this time.

Can't stop holding out that small bit of hope that I'm just wrong and crazy....but it hasn't been the pattern :-(

Concrete Castle

Our anger keeps us safe.

It's baaaack!

At Such a Loss

I am drowning in life right now.

Holy shit.

I've decided I do not need a heart any more. Get rid of it. It wastes my energy and ruins my concentration- aches and breaks. Even when I build up big walls to protect it. Even then, I am not protected. I am at a loss...but I push on.

People piss me off sometimes. I'm stoked for "Tomatoes" but tonight my returning cast PISSED me off. I hate when people act immature and like assholes. Does not make me psyched for the long road ahead.

I still hate women's lit.

Can't wait to go to sleep, but first I need to calm down.

Overwhelmed, as usual.

It's difficult to have fun, and keep up with the work. I've been lazy academically, and it's biting me hard. It's difficult to focus on fairly simple assignments. I don't want to blow my decent cumulative GPA senior year, that would be bad. So I'm trying to balance having fun, all my other responsibilities and actually doing the work I need to be doing. It isn't proving to be easy.

If I was on top of my shit, I could've done fun stuff tonight with friends instead of forcing myself to read way too much Charlotte Bronte. I'm trying to keep a good attitude though, there's still time for fun things to happen, and I'm not missing everything. Just take it a day at a time.

One day at a time.


And then....there's the idea that the more things change, the more they stay the same :-/

I'm going home tomorrow. Excited to see Marie, my brother, and my Dad.
Nervous about seeing Mary. I feel like I'm going to be cornered and berated for not calling. I just don't want to deal with her. I think back to the summer, and I think about what a joke she kind of is. This sounds harsh, even as I re-read. She's a person- and not an entirely bad person- with feelings and hopes and issues. I've been able to put all of my feelings about her on the back-burner for almost the last 2 months, and it was really really easy to shove them aside. But I am nervous to go home because she's all about confrontation, and I'm now paranoid that because I haven't talked to her since leaving, that she's going to confront me in some not so pleasant way.

It's just not something I want to deal with. I don't know how long it's going to take me to accept the situation for what it is in it's entirety. I've got the shell of those feelings figured out, enough to act like I accept it when confronted, but not enough to call for small talk on a random afternoon.
It would be a lie to say that I do not care about her at all, but it I still struggle with where exactly to put her in my life. She's unstable- and this drives me to not trust her.

I have a lot to learn.


I also find myself sitting here, wishing that it could just be simple. I go in circles and I know there's just too much damage for anything to be simple.

Oh, I still have to watch The Office that I missed...hmm.

Some Days

I just feel all my fight drain out of me.

Maybe it's because I've been an insomniac the last 3 nights.
Actually, that's probably a huge part of it.

Good things are happening, but I'm focused on the negative.


Miss the comfort so much.

If there's No One Around You, When your Soul Embarks...

There's a desperate cling coming from both of us. Cling to the comfort, cling to the past.

I fight it now, because everything has fallen into question: everything that I thought I knew.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
Fools in love.

I just had a good weekend, seriously. Got to see Megan and Nessa :). Drove to Bristol and didn't get lost. Saw a fun play, baked brownies, Grey's Anatomy!, and took some awesome photos that I can't wait to see. Purely good times. However, weird to be in the house. Trying to separate intertwined pieces. Noticing how the light slants differently against the back doorstep (because of the season change), and how it's weird for the house to feel cold and it not being caused by the ridiculously low-set a/c. Weird that I sent 3/4 of my summer there and I went back and everything about me seems to have changed....things have changed dramatically since I was last there. Such a weird feeling. So surreal and sad. So different.

Things are different.

I don't know anything. I don't trust anything.

It's good to realize certain things are in the past where they belong. But I'm scared out of my mind because I still care, despite all logic. Part of me still believes in a little piece of something. But that's so dangerous. Because I already wasted time waiting around, and in the end I got screwed.

I don't understand what's to hard about doing what's good and right- doing things not JUST because they feel good, but because they are right. Honesty, trust, hope.

I didn't sleep much last night, so my blabber is off.

Big huge holes, man.



Emotional and academic holes.

Trying to deal with the academic ones now.