bang bang, he shot me down, bang bang, I hit the ground

Today was mostly dreary and gross. It drizzled a lot. I hate when people refer to drizzl-ing as "sprinkling." I think it really sounds dumb for some reason. On days like today I can't decide which is worse-- full on downpours or the drizzly-lame-half-assed stuff.

I'm tired but hesitant to sleep.

Got an invitation in the mail from the president of "my workplace" to attend the staff holiday party at a fancy shmancy place where I had prom. Ugh. Go and risk seeing professors or people who I was happy to leave behind? Don't think so...I mean it is a free meal, and probably seeing who's a booze hound and who is not. I'd feel like an insider, or something. Even though "my company" writes my paycheck I detest how my "situation" was handled at the end of the year. Kind of makes you wonder how much of higher education is sort of a sham. Is it sad that it leaves such a horrible taste in my mouth? I really feel like myself and my peers made the most of my experience much more so than almost any of the educators...with the exception of a few.

Reduced calorie Oceanspray juice is kinda gross. Fail.

I really want to see a meteor shower. Forgot about the one last night. Almost don't even want to google it to see pics cuz i feel like it'll ruin the first experience or something.

I thought I was in the mood to babble for a while but I guess not.

If man is 5..and the devil is 6, then God is 7

Never stopped caring, you know, not even for a second. Maybe got really tired of the expectations and the head games and stuff, but never, ever stopped caring.

You hear news, and you think things, and you worry. Yeah, I worry. People send flowers and cards and stuff, but really you wish you could send hope, encouragement...or like a big crystal ball telling them it'll be fine. Or a hug in an envelope, or something. There are obviously no guarantees, but I have hope, and confidence. For whatever that's worth. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

"Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."

Been having very very weird dreams again lately. All they do is reprove to me how many crazy feelings I keep neatly stored away inside my head. It's funny when you have a dream chock-full-o-symbolism and it almost plays like a novel full of metaphors reads, but then you realize it wasn't some crazy author or director, but your very own sub conscience choosing the symbols. Like what does a guy with his stomach stapled represent? I have a few guesses.

The author of the "Twilight" series was on Oprah the other day, and she said she was inspired by a dream to write the first book...a very vivid dream. Maybe I'll do that next time? And become a world famous novelist? Riiiiight. The movie was stupid, any way.

For the first time in a while sleep's tugging at my eyes. Giving in. Heavy dreams for some heavy thoughts? Perhaps. Probably. 'Night.

Thoughts

"We are walking down the street, holding hands. There's a playground at the end of the block and I run to the swings and climb on, and Henry takes the one next to me, facing the opposite direction, and we swing higher and higher, passing each other, sometimes in synch and sometimes streaming past each other so fast it seems like we're going to collide, and we laugh, and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment."

Just a quote I like from The Time Traveler's Wife-- the book, not the movie. Finished the book last night, and it made me think a lot.

For instance, I wonder what draws people together. When you consider how many people there are just wandering around this giant world, you have to wonder what brings us together in the little groupings we end up in. Obviously we gain friends from places we frequent; school, work, etc., but what about those we have no daily connections to that simply fall into place, into our lives?

They come in and out for various reasons. But how do they know when to arrive...when to leave? When one stops helping the other and one starts harming? Or if they're really MADE for each other? I believe in soul mates. But really, what draws these souls together? ... Tragedy? Happiness? Deep emotions or silly scientific things like gravity and hormones? Is it really just about sex ultimately? The continuation of a species....or is there something more?

How do we make sure we keep the ones around who are really meant to be around us?

Can we really control who walks in and out...at all?

I am happier now, where I am. I'm calmer, I'm trusting, I'm not crying nearly as frequently when alone and left to think. I'm being met more than half-way on all levels of need. I wonder, how long is he here....and how do I know I can trust myself to take care of myself first. Because I have to, always.

More stuff is floating around my head, but I am too tired to fish it out.

My eyes are tired. I am tired.