Served Cold

Well, isn't that special.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt...it's a frikkin ocean.

What goes around comes around.

People are rarely as they appear. Things are never what they seem. I can't say I am surprised any more. I am jaded.

J-j-jaaaaded

So sick of all the liars in my life.

But at the end of the day, I have no one to blame, but myself. Blind stupid fucking love.

I can't wait until karma breaks all involved. I can't wait.
3 fold.

And I deserve so much more.

I will never fucking settle.

I work too hard, love too hard.

Cry too hard.

I need an outlet.

C'mon karma..... help me out.

A Very Merry

So, I've been to NY to see friends and family, and it was nice. Better than nice.

Came home to some sort of evergreen bush. No, it's not a tree. It's a bush. It has roots, and it's in a pot. It will be planted in the front yard soon. That was what she wanted, so that was what we got. I had to decorate it when I came home. By myself. Woo. It's kind of cute, I suppose. It's better than nothing. Christmas bush. Hahaha.

I got a few nice things for christmas. New perfume! finally! I was more santa like this year- my brother commented on it. Ho Ho Ho.

Lots of things are wrong. It only sort of felt like Christmas.
But.... I press on.

No One Else Will Know These Lonely Dreams,

No one else will know that part of me.
I'm still driving away,
and I'm sorry every day.

I feel like the rain today... I haven't felt like this in a while. That day that I could relate more with the thunderstorm than with other people.


It's a lie, a kiss with open eyes...
I can't let it bother me.

I can't let it bother me.

Right.

Just Leave the Presents and then Leave Me Alone

I MISS MY FRIEND!!!!!
It's simple, but, oh, really, it's not.

I bought a baby fake christmas tree for $3.89. And I bought christmas lights for it. Christmas lights make me very happy.

Today I actually drove into New Haven, I was nervous, but I made it. I had to cover a press conference for WQUN. I admit, it felt rather pointless. But I guess, when you're in radio news and you're going some place just to hear people talk if feels pointless because there's this little invention called the phone. But any way, I felt like I was in Gotham...yes, the fictional city. Batman wasn't present, nor was the Joker, but the press conference was about the new "Ban the Box" initiative the city has enstated. Basically they're taking the "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" box off of the city job application. It reminded me of the corruption and crime of Gotham. I mean, if you combined the political corruption of Waterbury with the 5,000 ex-cons trying to find jobs in New Haven, you'd have Gotham. But I covered a story, and I am a real reporter- kind of. So weird.

I got my grades. What a disappointing semester. Overall it didn't really harm my cumulative GPA all that much, but still. Lots of unwanted B/B+s and not enough A/A-s. However, it's clear evidence of my slackery, not to mention my ever-so-lovely emotional state for the majority.... wait...the ENTIRE semester. Whatever. Too bad my GPA holds a larger chunk of my self worth than I'd like to admit.

Christmas approaches quickly. I spend more time alone than around people. I got a bunch of stuff for people, but I still have so much more to buy, and only one paycheck, and one trip to NY to finance. Ugh. I have plans for tomorrow though. The dollar store is my bff.

I haven't done dishes in days. Not good. Whatever, if I didn't have roommates, I would be one of the messiest people ever. I clean like once every 2 weeks. Idk. I guess I just see other things as more important. But I'm not disgusting, because I'm also OCD about cleaning once I start. Weird.

3 days til Ingrid & the city & the fam. Woop.

Fill Them Up

When everything is slowly stripped away...what is left?
Is this it?

After it all.....


and you give, and you give,
and you give yourself away

DONE, WOOP WOOP!

I am officially DONE with finals this semester, yaaaay.
Dunno how well I actually did on that last one, but I kinda don't care.

I am sitting in the SPB office, and the student center is just so damn eerily empty. I don't like it.

I only have one semester left....ugh. So fucking scary.

What can I do now???
Bake
Go to the Dollar Store
Christmas Shop (with limited funds lol)
Wrap Christmas presents
Watch a lot of Grey's
Oh yeah, Work.

Wish there was a Christmas Tree at my place currently, cause I like them. They make me happy.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SEMESTER IS OOOOOVER!

Ugh, so much free time....so much free time. I guess this is what I need to learn all over again.
:-'( All we can do is keep breathing.

'Cause I Am Giving Up

Oh, life is stressful. But I have one more final, just one more. Tomorrow! Comm. Law! Wish I was done though, so I could actually justify writing in my blog. Oh well. At least the 2 major final papers, a presentation, and a monologue are actually done already. Just one last test. Thank god.

I got my dad part of a christmas gift, also. Yay. But I still have a long way to go with those. Guess that's ok though, since I'll be here all next week so I can work. Hope I can handle the loneliness. Whatever, it's preparation for real life. Ha. It's also better then having the psycho plotting to kill me in my sleep.

Also..... you know, it just makes me sad. Purely sad, but I have to stop. I have to stop trying because clearly I did something wrong or whatever. Or something. Or maybe this is how I'm supposed to get better, how I'm supposed to heal or something. I don't know. I am just floating here though. One bad thing about schoolwork ceasing to exist for several weeks.... it's a lot for time for thinking. So sad. If you push me, I'll move. I am trying to stop trying, and it hurts. Ugh, whatever. Frustrated and done and sad. Happy Holidays.

At least next weekend should be good. Ingrid Michaelson! NYC! Friends! Cousins! Maybe I'll feel like I fit in somewhere again, and I'm not just floating, waiting for someone to snatch me out of the air and give me a place next to them. I'm not depressed any more. A few weeks ago I definitely was. But still....blah.

Thank god for what I do have. My friends here and home. SPB & Tomatoes. These are a few of my favorite things. Things that keep me sane and functioning and laughing no matter how much family drama or boy drama or stupid stressful assignments arise.

I am soooo looking forward to next weekend.

Can't wait to rise above all the bad stuff. It's been over a year of challenges. Rise aaaaboooove.

Far Away, Far Away, I Want To Go Far Away

Challenges keep arising. Optimistic happy people call them challenges, instead of "bullshit" I suppose. Bright and shiny.

I don't feel bright and shiny any more. It's definitely still there, but I'm fighting hard for it. I'm stressed out and lonely- and sad. But whatever. Not like I haven't been through worse I guess, but it was different. Much different.

Psycho Dragon Bitch has reared her ugly head. Hates me for taking my vacation as a vacation and is entirely fucking irrational. It's all about her. SHE doesn't like that I choose to sit on my ass. Fuck her. Seriously. Her chance is fucking done. I mean, it has been since last March. But who the fuck says to their new husband "It's her or me!" Get a fucking grip on reality, it's the house I grew up in, it's MY family, I'm not a 35 year old crack dealer that still lives at home! I love being made to feel guilty for existing. Fucking bitch would love to see my father drop me completely just before my finaly semester of college, wouldn't she? It's for my own good, right? Which is why she makes such a big fucking deal out of it that it threatens HER marriage? Right. It's all for my own good. Yes, that's all she's thinking about- my best interests. Not her controlling-psychopath issues, or her childhood, or how her circumstances were in raising her daughters- right? None of those HUGE ELEPHANT issues have anything to do with the current challenges. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I pulled an Izzie Stevens yesterday and baked 3.5 dozen cookies and will do the same today. Only Izzie does muffins. Izzie also does it only for theraputic reasons, and I was doing it because of the cookie swap tomorrow. As if I have time for it, but whatever. I need to get something theraputic somewhere. Writing English papers is not theraputic. Baking is! Beating up dough with a rolling pin= theraputic.

Anyway, was thinking once again at how it's so damn typical, and I am unwilling to accept typical. Like I guess I could have predicted it all, my 11th grade religion teacher basically did predict it all. You know, it's what people do, it's how love works. I guess I just get confused because I wasn't that girl. Whatever. I just don't know what to do, entirely.

Here I Go, Scream My Lungs Out...

Sometimes, I feel so angry that I want to destroy things. Like breaking all of the glassware crap downstairs and seeing the colored water soak the rug might be kind of satisfying. Or hurling rocks through windows, or punching holes through walls. Or burning the photos and cards that I have saved.

Maybe it would make me feel a little bit better.
Maybe.

The last year of my life was basically season 3 of Grey's in which the writers said they wished to "burn it all down." Maybe it's a lame comparison, but I know what I mean.

I get hopeful about all the problems. I do. I try to be proactive, and deal with them, and take them one day at a time. But I still get a couple of hours here and there where I'm just angry. Because I don't know what pieces will work out and be better, or which pieces I just have to legit escape from. And I feel like the stupid characters we discuss in my English course, the characters who played by the rules, did everything they were "suppsed" to do by cultural standards-- and yet got fucked over in the end, and could NOT understand why. I played by the rules. Blah.

I should probably just pick something to break, or punch. Because otherwise I'll just end up sitting here....ugh, plotting and growling and scaring the cat. The cat loves me!

It's nice to have a week off-- completely off. Oh, it's glorious! I fall asleep so early, clearly I am drained. Completely and totally drained. I fall asleep around 11:30 on whatever couch I am on, at whoever's house I am at.

But, I will say this. I felt a little bit of that birthday/almost holiday magic. It was nice and warm and tingly. I love that feeling. Seriously, it feels magical. I know there's more to come. I have a lot of awesome people in my life.

But I've got to get out of this mental/emotional place.

Hmm, so, nothing is solved or different. I pleaded my case, and was told "what you're saying makes sense, but each of you makes sense, and I'm tired of hearing it." I also got bitched at for thinking that she truly just wants me out of the house. Due to her intense beliefs. Whatever. At least I'm not in denial. It just sucks when your father is.

I am lonely, and it's dangerous. Because lonely means vulnurable, and fairly lame decision making skills. I guess I walk a fine line. So sick of living with little to no comfort...so so sick of it.

I need some changes in a very big way.

And it's just so cold :-(

She Feels like Kicking out all the Windows, and Setting Fire to this Life.

"Stop being dramatic"

Don't ever say that to me. If I'm "being dramatic" it's for a damn good reason.
Jesus, I see right through her, and my own father doesn't.

"Well, she has her views, you all have valid points"

No. Fuck her opinion. She's not my mother. She's not one one-millionth of who my mother was.
I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HER VIEW POINT.

I am going to lose. I am going to go down in flames and lose, terribly.

All because of her opinions.

"She does have say, Cate, she is my partner"

One hell of a partner. Doesn't even have her head on straight. Can't keep a job, really. Can't handle a goddamn thing.

"You and your brother are going to go off and leave, and what will I be left with..."
I am not going to leave you. What if she dies? What if something happens to her? You think I would abandon my father and my brother?

Part of my identity died with my mother, and my immediate family reminds me every day.

How did I get here? How do I get out of here?

If hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year...

Just when I think I've found some comfort in my immediate family, they fuck it up.
And I realize it's true. The people I held absolutely closest to me are gone.

No, seriously.

My Mom is dead.
My Dad loves me, but he is a slave to her first.
My brother is acting selfish.
....my heart is broken.
My last grandparent is gone.


I have amazing friends, I do.

but my immediate family is very close to all gone.

Mary disagrees with how I was raised, and how my father chooses to treat me. Like it's her fucking business. I'm almost 22 years old, and I can't be "fixed." Fuck her. My Dad won't tell her she's fucking whacked, so maybe I should. But what good would it do?

She's completely insane, my dad married her, and so now he does his best to not set her off, aka, do exactly what she says. This includes whatever her feelings are on me.

And so the vicious cycle continues..

I CAN'T WAIT TIL I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO MOVE OUT.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.

Almost that Time of Year...

My Dad just came to have lunch with me :-D Made me soooo happy!

I forget how much I miss them.
With one exception of course.

The exception now attends therapy alone. (As opposed to couple's counseling.) Just as I predicted. LMAO. Therapist saw the bright neon crazy sign lighting up and it wasn't pointing to my father!

Therapist realized she's the problem, not my father. Pretty sweet deal. Apparently though, I caused some of her issues the require the therapy, or she needs to go and bitch about me. Stupid bitch has a job now, but apparently think I was "coddled" too much. Little late to get your panties in a bunch about that one, don't you think? Her other issues are childhood issues. But seriously, they will get taken out on me. Lovely.

Cannot WAIT to go home for winter break man, caaaan't wait.
Luckily, I'll still be paying rent here. So yeah. Though I've lost one of my safe havens... :-(... I'll have gained another, which is pretty sweet. Maybe I'll even drag my brother or friends along. Hmmm.

It's amazing how much warmer I am with a full stomach. Wow man.

I guess I'm writing because I was so so so so happy to see my Dad, and spend a little time with him....but Mary still freakin lingers in my mind, and she won't go away until I permanently move out, and I don't know when I'll be able to do that. Pressure man, pressure. Which is her point, percisely.

akldmf;ajetia'fvnlskdnvlknflknaieriawueproauwpo9jpajv'lknzmdin



Holidays are coming. Shoot me in the face!

I Am In Love with a Boy, Manufactured to Destroy

Can't shake the feeling that my family is dying off. In actuality, I still have plenty of family left, but, with the circumstances that exist within my immediate family, it's no longer easy or normal to be connect to extended family. I grew up being connected to them, and I am an adult now, so obviously I still can be, but it's difficult. It's much nicer when your immediate family is right there with you. But things change. Circumstances change. People die.

Relationships die.

You can accept people as your family and almost not realize it til it's too late... or feel lonelier than you ever thought you would be without someone.

I bitch and moan, and these are normal life things. But when I consider what I had before age 16, and what I have now...
Jesus Christ.

I have great friends, I still have a lot of family. Never will I ever claim I am unlucky, or that I haven't been blessed. But it doesn't mean you can't feel lonely. Or wish desperately for someone to completely understand you. I feel my emotions are so lost on my family, "You'll be fine. You want to talk to someone? I'm worried about you..." No, it isn't fine. No, I already talked to someone, and realized all the coping mechanisms/attitudes he was attempting to teach me I already posess. It made me feel better, but it's not necessary. Therapy can't help me get over it. That's something only time can help with.

My computer wants to be a part of my past, too. It keeps shutting down by itself randomly. I'm pretty sure it's over-heating. It had a bout of this a while ago. Ugh. I just want a Mac at this point. But there's no money. Ever. So it just stresses my Dad out. "Use it til you can't use it any more." and I shall. Piece of shit Dell. Brought it to the Help Desk today, "It might be the mother board, and those are expensive, and you don't have a warranty any more." Mmm, right. I'll just take the battery out and try it just plugged into the wall.... did it work? Of course not. They can't even diagnose a fucked mother board, apparently. That's cute. Whatever. I just wanted this thing to get through one more school year, it didn't even have to make it til June, just through May! But it's ok, my year from hell is almost over. It's November now, where it all started last year. So I paid my dues. I get a break soon, right?
But I know that isn't how it works....I don't even say it with bitterness. It just isn't how it is. The universe is cold.

So we press on.

I'm still not ready for winter...coldness and darkness do not translate well into my volatile moods. I have plenty to look forward too, but all the things feel empty. Mourning is such a bitch.

Seriously, I used my metaphor of having big holes punched through me. They show themselves in different ways every day. It doesn't mean I'm never happy, or myself. It just means there are pieces missing that I didn't think would be.

It's lonely here..... but it's life. Maybe I'll learn to never invest so much in one person. Maybe.

But I don't want to be like that either.

I did nothing useful with my extra hour.

We Were Both 16 and it Felt So Right

There are times when logic, anger and truth rule every other part of me...heart and mind.

But there are other times when I just hear a stupid song...and I lose it.
I notice the stars are particularly bright... and I backtrack.

The opposite of love is not hate,
it is indifference.

Do I ever reach indifference?
Do I ever really want to?

Is it possible to let go mentally, but not emotionally?

I am ok, but I am not at all ok.

Truth...

It's funny how it seeps through the cracks and rises out of the shadows.
It will always find away.
I am so willing to help it

Who would think that the scariest thing about Halloween, would be the truth, rearing it's ugly head.

Oh my my.

Happy Halloween!! It's my favorite...

God, I Feel Like Hell Tonight...

... Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

It's been a highly stressful weekend, with good points, and little sleep.

Friday I was not on top of my game, but Nessa and Meg came over! We made empanadas, and watched Grey's for a few hours. Made me happy :) I start to miss those girls when I don't see them for a while.

Saturday I was up at 6:30am, and on campus by 7:15 for The Leadership Conference. I made buddies with the keynote speaker and made sure everything was technically sound. As far as tech stuff, it went pretty well. It was a long day, though. The conference started at 9:30 and went til 4. It was nice, and fairly productive. However, it was long. All I wanted to do was nap. I looked like hell. I got a nice little gift from the woman who ran the whole thing- a QU travel mug with the bobcat on it filled with candy. Now I have an excuse to make hot chocolate and carry it around with me. Got other free stuff, too. Yay.

Today I scheduled the first official Tomatoes rehearsal. Most of the cast didn't show. It was bullshit. Made me angry, as if I already wasn't...

Can't wait to feel whole again, to breathe again. When does that happen? C'mon bad year, be OVER.

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?

Are You Strong Enough?

Great, great Sheryl Crow song.

I should be asleep.
I'm going to regret this tomorrow, since I'm going to be a slave to my involvement from 7 until 4, and then from 6 until 10, or later.
Not thrilled about this.

I feel crampy and gross.
and angry, and confused, which is normal now.

I want to just sit here and listen to music, my 90s music. Sheryl Crow actually offers a lot of advice in her hit singles that seems to apply to me now. It's too bad her music started to suck once the decade changed.

Ugh, I don't even have a point. I am overwhelmed, and all I want is to curl up in a ball and sleep it out, like a bear. Wake me up when it's wam again. Maybe I'll have some answers.

I should try to sleep.

No More Pressure

It's not fair. It's really not. It's not fair that I'm the way I am and you're the way you are.

It's not fucking fair.

The pressure is now off in ways. I understand that.

Better all around for both, one would say.
You have an uphill battle ahead.
I've already been "abused."
Better for both, better for both.

But knowing the nature of those involved. Knowing myself..... It's just not fair.

And it's projections, but I trust my gut.

God fucking damnit. It's not fucking fair.

Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, WHA-BAM!, Realization (cue the angelic chorus and light), and then...!
Uphill battle. (I understand that)
It won't work if I'm there. (I understand that. Plus, why should I suffer any more?)


My only gain is to stop being harmed. IT'S NOT FAIR. UGH, I sound like an ass.

My feelings fucking betray me over and over and over and over.
"Don't wait for me"

I won't I won't I won't. Not on purpose anyway. But I still wish that it hadn't been said.
I KNOW there are no guarantees on either end, I understand that. I really do.


BUT EVEN NOW, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FORCE MYSELF OUT OF LOVE.

I admittedly could be wrong, I really really could be. I could be completely wrong.

God almighty, I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Scared. out. of. my. mind.

Depressed again, but maybe it's the last time because of this.
And when I hit rock bottom, there's no where to go but back up.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

HOPE.

COURAGE.

STRENGTH.

please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.

Such a MESS.

Where do I even begin?

It's almost November. This means my year from hell should be over soon. Just a few more weeks, and I'm back to where it all started falling a part one year ago. So it stops, right? I get a break, right? I mean, yes, it wasn't completely terrible, but generally it was the worst year I had since my mother died, if I'm being honest. Except that I got my license. That was very good, a big deal, admittedly. Ok, so that was the one big, major thing that went right.

And I lost so much. God I feel like I just keep losing big pieces. Maybe this is what growing up really is. Incredibly, incredibly depressing. (It could be much worse...)

I used to rule the world...

I Am No Superman, I Have No Answers For You

I am no hero, oh, that's for sure
but I do know one thing
Where you are, is where I belong

It's so cold. We haven't turned our heat on yet. It's gas and gas is expensive. So is electricity,but we have gas. I wish I was rich and didn't worry about things like gas bills. I wish none of us did. Especially considering my room has 8 windows. It's cold. I sleep with my down comforter and a huge fleece blanket as well. Last night was the maybe the coldest night so far, and I must've nested perfectly, because I was the perfect temperature. Did so NOT want to get up for work.

Now I need a nap.

I had a jam packed weekend, and it was mostly pretty good, with a nice twist of absolutely confused and lost sprinkled on top.

Things will surely play out... but it's energy consuming to think about.


I carved a pumpkin, and I used one of those fancy patterns. It came out really cool, and I took photos of it for proof. However, I think it was stunned by the cold weather, and is already drooping. Good thing I got pictures. I may carve another one or two since this one was a fail and lasted 2 days. I love the patterns, but this one was too non-traditional to stand up to new england weather. I still have to deck out the front of our house, and perhaps make a scarecrow or something creepy to sit in the front yard. Don't have an exact game plan yet...I love how I act like I actually have time to do these things.

I'm in a fall mood. I love fall. I love October.

I need a night of scary movies and halloween themed junk food. We did that back in high school and it was fun...

I will focus the most on my happy-fall feelings, I've decided.

Nap time.

Simply Complicated

I wish it was easy, and the answers were simple.

As my Dad said..."I just wish you guys would figure it out one way or the other."
I've given him a hard time before, about his advice. But the more I think about this one phrase, the more it makes complete sense.

It's sad, that I've been so wronged, and yet I still have feelings.
But I cannot deny them.

I wish that it was as obvious to you.
And I know the fact that it is not so obvious is NOT a good sign :-(
If I'm going on logic, it's the only thing that makes sense.

STILL though, STILL, no matter how high the walls or far the distance or length of time, I am not protected. I am not safe from my own feelings. I guess that's the hard part, though, emotions betraying logic. Heart vs. brain.
I can't seem to separate them. Even at this point.

Back and forth back and forth back and forth.

I'm at work, and maybe at this point it's sleep deprivation, but I can't get it out of my head...

It's Cute How You Try, to Rebuild Your Life

It's amazing how much can change in one week.

I guess in retrospect, it really wasn't actually all that much change. It was exactly what I knew would happen, exactly what I was protecting myself against. Duh.

However, the small part of my guard that was beginning to be let down has been set back up. I don't enjoy living like this, but my nature keeps getting taken advatage of in huge ways. I give the tiniest bit of myself, and oh, look, there it is being trampled on. Awesome.

It's sad to be sad all over again. It's a smaller sadness. Maybe it's more disappointment. I'm so giving up on all this "benefit of the doubt" bullshit. Maybe I should stop that...

Besides, it shouldn't be so effortless to lie to me. It's sad. No conscience, no values, no respect- clearly it's all about only one person, and it isn't me! You would think that after so long...and after so much of me setting the example of what the proper behavior is, that it would become obvious.

Guess not.


Some teacher once told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Food for thought. Certainly makes me feel like a dumbass.

No more "benefit of the doubt." No more sympathy.
We do it to ourselves....we create our own consequences. It just keeps coming up.
Noooo sympathy.


I believe in karma.
Oh, do I believe in karma.


Only a matter of time before the denial floats away. This is my newest prediciton and gut feeling. Let's see if my logic works out this time.

Can't stop holding out that small bit of hope that I'm just wrong and crazy....but it hasn't been the pattern :-(

Concrete Castle

Our anger keeps us safe.

It's baaaack!

At Such a Loss

I am drowning in life right now.

Holy shit.

I've decided I do not need a heart any more. Get rid of it. It wastes my energy and ruins my concentration- aches and breaks. Even when I build up big walls to protect it. Even then, I am not protected. I am at a loss...but I push on.

People piss me off sometimes. I'm stoked for "Tomatoes" but tonight my returning cast PISSED me off. I hate when people act immature and like assholes. Does not make me psyched for the long road ahead.

I still hate women's lit.

Can't wait to go to sleep, but first I need to calm down.

Overwhelmed, as usual.

It's difficult to have fun, and keep up with the work. I've been lazy academically, and it's biting me hard. It's difficult to focus on fairly simple assignments. I don't want to blow my decent cumulative GPA senior year, that would be bad. So I'm trying to balance having fun, all my other responsibilities and actually doing the work I need to be doing. It isn't proving to be easy.

If I was on top of my shit, I could've done fun stuff tonight with friends instead of forcing myself to read way too much Charlotte Bronte. I'm trying to keep a good attitude though, there's still time for fun things to happen, and I'm not missing everything. Just take it a day at a time.

One day at a time.


And then....there's the idea that the more things change, the more they stay the same :-/

I'm going home tomorrow. Excited to see Marie, my brother, and my Dad.
Nervous about seeing Mary. I feel like I'm going to be cornered and berated for not calling. I just don't want to deal with her. I think back to the summer, and I think about what a joke she kind of is. This sounds harsh, even as I re-read. She's a person- and not an entirely bad person- with feelings and hopes and issues. I've been able to put all of my feelings about her on the back-burner for almost the last 2 months, and it was really really easy to shove them aside. But I am nervous to go home because she's all about confrontation, and I'm now paranoid that because I haven't talked to her since leaving, that she's going to confront me in some not so pleasant way.

It's just not something I want to deal with. I don't know how long it's going to take me to accept the situation for what it is in it's entirety. I've got the shell of those feelings figured out, enough to act like I accept it when confronted, but not enough to call for small talk on a random afternoon.
It would be a lie to say that I do not care about her at all, but it I still struggle with where exactly to put her in my life. She's unstable- and this drives me to not trust her.

I have a lot to learn.


I also find myself sitting here, wishing that it could just be simple. I go in circles and I know there's just too much damage for anything to be simple.

Oh, I still have to watch The Office that I missed...hmm.

Some Days

I just feel all my fight drain out of me.

Maybe it's because I've been an insomniac the last 3 nights.
Actually, that's probably a huge part of it.

Good things are happening, but I'm focused on the negative.


Miss the comfort so much.

If there's No One Around You, When your Soul Embarks...

There's a desperate cling coming from both of us. Cling to the comfort, cling to the past.

I fight it now, because everything has fallen into question: everything that I thought I knew.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
Fools in love.

I just had a good weekend, seriously. Got to see Megan and Nessa :). Drove to Bristol and didn't get lost. Saw a fun play, baked brownies, Grey's Anatomy!, and took some awesome photos that I can't wait to see. Purely good times. However, weird to be in the house. Trying to separate intertwined pieces. Noticing how the light slants differently against the back doorstep (because of the season change), and how it's weird for the house to feel cold and it not being caused by the ridiculously low-set a/c. Weird that I sent 3/4 of my summer there and I went back and everything about me seems to have changed....things have changed dramatically since I was last there. Such a weird feeling. So surreal and sad. So different.

Things are different.

I don't know anything. I don't trust anything.

It's good to realize certain things are in the past where they belong. But I'm scared out of my mind because I still care, despite all logic. Part of me still believes in a little piece of something. But that's so dangerous. Because I already wasted time waiting around, and in the end I got screwed.

I don't understand what's to hard about doing what's good and right- doing things not JUST because they feel good, but because they are right. Honesty, trust, hope.

I didn't sleep much last night, so my blabber is off.

Big huge holes, man.



Emotional and academic holes.

Trying to deal with the academic ones now.

Why'd You Have to Go and Let It Die?

All that it takes is some time,
but I'm shattered.



And I don't know what can ever exist without trust.
Back to running mental circles.


EDIT 11:54 pm-

Let's review what I truly deserve. This is for me.

Complete trust, honesty, also... to compete with NO ONE, not even remotely, not even a little bit. I should NEVER, EVER have to deal with that BULLSHIT. I should not have to WASTE my energy and time TRYING to figure out if I'm being lied to, or if I need to even entertaining the idea of competing with some other girl. I should not be the second choice. I AM BETTER THAN THAT. I should not have my very understanding/forgiving nature TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. My feelings should come first to someone I'm in a relationship with- I deserve the said person's patience, support, caring and worrying- I should be the only person other than family to get thisstrong an out pour of feelings from them....I should not be the person who gets the LEAST of these things!! That's FUCKED UP!
I deserve to get to see the best of a person I'm with, not only the worst. I deserve to be a large part of this person's support system, but not their crutch, or their mother. I deserve the same support in return.
I deserve to be someone they enjoy spending time with and look forward to spending time with-- not a burden or an obligation. My feelings to not rise and fall within someone else's convenience. I am not here for someone else's convenience. I am fiercely loyal and that doesn't change with the weather. I deserve no less in return. I do not deserve to be second choice for time-spending, either. I don't deserve to be there only if there's nothing better to do. I am better than that.

I do not deserve to be yanked around like a rag doll. I am a real, whole person with feelings. REAL feelings. I am not a toy, or an object.

I do not respect cowards. I do not half-ass things. I love fully and with all of me. Making my list of priorities is a privilege, not a right. Seriously.

I acknowlege that everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. People's experiences, parents and situations help make them who they are. These things are not in our control. However, no one has the right to hide behind their past. At some point we grow up. We reflect, we get help if we have to. We need to look back and learn from what we've been through. Ignorance and lazyness is no excuse. Especially faked ignorance. It doesn't mean that we live without pain or damage, or that it's always easy, but everyone has pain and damage, and it's important to remember you're not unique. I do not deserve to have that pain inflicted onto me. There is a difference between supporting and being a psychological punching bag.

I don't do mind games. I am not stupid. I read people well, especially people that I've known for a long time. It doesn't mean I don't ever miss anything-- love has blinded me before. But I should not be messed with. I can see right through you when I know you. I swear... I have been deeply underestimated in the past. Do not underestimate me.

I deserve the best- with no exceptions.

Then Why the Hell are you so Sad?

Mmm. So.

The universe is unfolding as it should...

I get that. Seriously.
But it doesn't make it any easier!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: We create our own consequences.
Myself included! (Duh.)

I just don't know where any of the pieces go any more. When that happens the walls go up.
Me and confusion, we hang out a lot.

I always run in circles. So, what does one do?...Stop running, OR, leave the circle. I stopped.
But I can't shake that feeling that I've got these gaping holes that everyone can look through.

In all seriousness. I truly stopped running. Dead. It's the only thing I can possibly think of to DO at this point. How else do I protect myself?

I wish my brain could process it all faster. Maybe that's part of my problem-- it still hasn't all been dealt with yet.

Ugh. I am vague and messy.

I wonder if my emotions shine through my eyes all day long. I mean, in general everyone's do. Bet I'm exhausting to look at.

Disconnect

People generally create messes. Emtotional messes, psychological messes....and quite obviously, physical messes.

I think I have gotten quite used to cleaning up, or, desperately trying to clean up those messes. Maybe that's why my major is PR. Haaaa....What's a little scary is that I'm so used to being at a mess's beck and call that now that I am not, I feel disconnect, and like I have holes punched through me. I feel fairly discombobulated.

"discombobulated" looks cool typed out.


The main advice I keep hearing is, "Focus on yourself, now. Take care of yourself." Ok...so I sleep enough, I eat enough, I go to yoga once a week, I'm all involved, I do my homework (most of the time), I work. Uhhhh... what else do I do? I still feel discombobulated...big chunks are missing. I'm trying really, really hard here. I do not know what else to do to take care of myself--to make ME feel better.

Yeah, once again I've gone and attempted to describe a feeling that's pretty hard to describe.

....

Though, now that I think about it, I imagine "broken heart" could've just saved me a few hundred keystrokes. Ohhhh man.

The damn crickets here chirp constantly-- all day and all night. Chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp. It's damn annoying. I feel like there are lots of extra crickets in Hamden. At home I live near woods and stuff, and I don't hear crickets all freakin day long. Last year they always got into our school house, I killed several of them. This year a huge chirping monster got into my room. Still though, thanks to Disney whenever I kill one I feel like I shouldn't have. Like I just murdered my conscience.

There was a Praying Mantis on our front steps a few weeks ago. Bugs like our house, apparently.

It keeps getting cloudy then sunny again, and windy. I wish it would just rain and get it over with.

How do you completely push out someone you've let so far in for so long?
I was thinking about this this morning...
How do you come to a logical conclusion that someone you've cared about so deeply for so long is actually a person that fits into one of those catergories of people in your head that you don't like, need or really, honestly respect and look up to????
It's funny, this whole paragraph can be read in 2 ways.


It's fun to realize your self-esteem is more damaged than originally thought. It's easy to get sucked in and over analyze it. It's not easy to toy with the idea of how easy you are to fall out of love with, or how difficult it is to fall out of love with someone who probably should be very easy to fall out of love with. What's wrong with me?

I guess there's some comfort in knowing that at least I am not a coward.
At least- though disconnected, heart-broken,and confused- I have morals and values and things I believe in that will help me be healthy, and move on to hopefully better things.
I'm real-- in the least J.Lo way possible. haha.

Oh, but those holes man. The pain continues.

Deconstruction Site

I feel...empty-ish.

Hard to describe. When you spend part of almost every weekend with one person for 5 years... you feel empty without them.

I don't want to see what I have worked so hard to build fall apart

To be perfectly honest, I'm sick of thinking about this. I'm sick of writing about it. I'm sick of the feelings caused by it. Clearly no one wants to be sad a lot of the time, or feel like they're living in a bad dream most of the time. I don't like that if I wake up early I don't want to go back to sleep, because I always dream most deeply when I do that, and I hate dreaming lately. I absolutely avoid dreaming.

Well, I'm the truest true that you ever knew

I was right all along. The pieces of my life stretch far beyond him. In no way am I at a complete loss. I never cut anyone else out. I never stopped being me. I always said that, and I now know I was absolutely right and it's absolutely true. I guess there's some comfort in that. It's good to have yourself to fall back on. Haha, even if there's really not that much room to fall.

I miss everything...



I love fall, but it got kinda cold last night, and I was sooo not enjoying it. Ugh. I want crisp fall days that are sunny. Not this weird cold, humid evening stuff. Bleh.

Last night I could've gone out to dinner with a few e-boarders and Syrus and Brooke from the Real World. I hadn't been feeling great since the afternoon, so I opted out, plus who really wants to eat with 2 people who were on Real World and pretend they know something about politics? Mmm, right.

I haven't hiked yet, and I really miss the mountain. Maybe tomorrow? Depends on if i'm feeling better or not.

Oh, I hate homework. I don't want to do the academic part of school...obviously, I WILL. But I'm sick of it. I hate unclear professors, or crazy professors. I'm tired of trying to please them and work with them. It's so lame- how difficult is it to make a syllabus that you pretty much stick to? Or how difficult is it to have class on a Thursday, and bring the assignment you want finished for next Tuesday with you? Oh wait, I forgot, I don't have a life and am a slave to my e-mail so I can allow for the time to do a damn assignment that you send to me at some point over the weekend. LAME!

I think I'm over English/Lit. classes. They ruin books for me. They are nit-picking ridiculous. Rawr, complain complain complain.

Tonight I have to run my friend's event on campus cuz she's on a retreat with another group. I'm a tad nervous, but luckily one other e-boarder will be around to help. It's "Irish Night" haha, yeaah. I guess we'll see how it goes. Oh yeah, also going Apple Picking with honors this afternoon. Woooo, fruit.

I have much running around to do as well-- and never enough money for it all! It's sooo awesome.

:(

I'm having a "sad" day.


I seriously, seriously was dropped like a bad habit.

I could type it out, but it's the same things I've said a million times, just this time in the context of sad instead of angry.

It's not fair.

My Chemicals, Left me a Beautiful Disaster...

...still love's all I see

Being strong gets old just like crying does.

I am lonely.

I miss him.

Grief is the heaviest emotion there is. I feel like someone is dead. I guess something is dead.

It's really, really hard to turn someone from what you thought was your best friend to your mortal emotional enemy in your head. It hurts like hell.

And I laugh at myself, as the tears roll down
'Cause it's the world I know,
It's the world I know.

It's really, really hard to watch a huge portion of your life break off and crumble to dust in a little over a month.

Maybe I should hate you for this

I have a cold going. Or my fall allergies are rolling in, not quite sure which it is currently. But yeah, not feeling so hot.

School is....well, school. I'm a bit of a slacker lately. I kind of don't care. I mean, I'm still doing my work and stuff, but yeah, not at all far enough in advance. I have little to no interest in it. My attention span is still fairly limited. I have senioritis. There isn't enough money, ever. I have been more positive, seen the pros, felt the anger, picked up, you know, I know I have to just let it all go. I've been better, but as I've said before, it builds up just to fall. It's going to take a long, long time.

Had dinner with a few tomatoes last night. It made me so so so so happy. Honestly. I love doing all that stuff. I love that it ignited passion in others, and it's for a good cause, and it will probably be my legacy at this school. Thank god I have SOMETHING that makes me happy and excited.

Achoo.

There's nothing better than affairs of the heart,
to make you feel so good, then tear you apart

Katie's getting a cat to live with her in her apartment :) Clearly, this makes me incredibly excited. I wish I had an animal here right now. I want a kitty to cuddle with, and play with.


Scary stuff... being thrown back out into the "dating pool." It doesn't matter, because I have no desire to get close to anyone even remotely. I'm weary of people that go beyond acquaitances. I am scared of being fucked over again. Not that it's even remotely a current concern. Whatever, I blabber about things that hold no importance currently. My patience is gone with anyone who isn't already a close friend.

I need more little packs of tissues to carry around.

I am behind on drama class journal entries. I should do it now. Too bad I just feel like wallowing.

You know it meant everything.

Feeling like such a victim today. I don't like to be a victim. I also know I'm only the victim if I let myself be. But I feel it today,and maybe it's the weather, or lack of actual rest.

It's very possible to sleep without resting.

I just sit and think sometimes, and it hurts in such a phenomenal way.

And, I know, logically where everything falls and how it fits all together. But if all we had was logic it would definitely be easier. I wish I was operating on more logic lately. I fluctuate too much.

It just FEELS like I loved so much deeper.
I think, back in March, beginning of April, I was out of love with you. Even if it was only a short time. I saw the light and all the wrongs, and all the bullshit. I was angry, and even tho I was dumped I felt in control.
But... I followed my heart. Because all of the reasons to LOVE him, to be in LOVE made their way back up to the surface. I thought I was being so cautious. I didn't wear my ring for a long time, because I was so scared. I don't think I put it back on til sometime in the beginning of July.
I thought I was protecting myself. I really did. I thought I could trust it for some reason. Like the fear of the first time would be enough for him.
It wasn't.

I wasn't enough.
That hurts a lot, too. Is that despite all the shitty behavior and stuff, I decided he was enough. He was worth the risk, and worth my time... so worth it.
I was wrong.
I lowered my standards.

I'm being redundant here.

It's funny, cuz before, the exact same things I just wrote about made me so angry. And today they make me so sad. So I think the emotions will have different effects on my words, and they don't.

But I just keep thinking about him waking up from surgery and asking for me, all the hours I spent with him, all the movies, going and seeing Wall-E and Dark Knight, a cool day we spent at the mall together. When we watched the olympics, and that one day at the pool at the end of the summer. How I wanted to see him through everything that went wrong, and I wanted to be the one to make him feel better. How on the 4th of July he had a meltdown, and I tried to sit with him and hug him, even when he was telling me to get out, and to leave. I just wanted to comfort him. How I just fought to hard, had such a "we can do it!" attitude. I knew we were both at hard points in our lives, hard transitions. I have been for almost a year. But I thought we could handle them together. I was willing to try and do that. Which is funny, because I truly believe half the shit I dealt with he wouldn't have done the same for me if I acted out in the ways he did. He composed a song on my phone, and did funny voices. I think our goofiness got us through the summer. I was his advocate, and his full supporter. I stood hard in my positions. I am fiercely loyal, and he was not. While I was fighting so hard for him, for his rights, his identity, he was getting too friendly with a girl at work, and falling out of love with me.

You called me from that party, and I distinctly remember how sweet you were to me. It was weird. You said you wanted to talk about my day with me the next day and that you loved me and you called to say goodnight. I TRUSTED YOU. And not long before you were telling someone else how you felt about them. I TRUSTED YOU.

Then he lied to my face.

It's funny.... Cuz whenever he was overly nice to me, I always questioned it. He always got defensive "C'mon am I that bad?!"... But the one time I should've, I didn't.

I blindly handed over my trust, cuz I believed every word you said to me about trying again, and not wanting to get back to where we were in March, and blah blah blah blah blah.

I just feel so stupid :'-( I gave him a role he did not deserve.

I don't think he's as good as I gave him credit for for so long. I don't know if the potential is there any more. People make mistakes, yes. But is there no end to the mistakes? How do you come to the conclusion that someone is "bad" or that they just make a shitload of mistakes.

This isn't how you treat people you claim to love. I thought you did, I thought I felt it. But it just doesn't add up at all.

I just thought I knew him so well. His mom always told me that she thought I knew him better than she did in certain ways. I thougt I might've too, but clearly I wasn't aware of what he was capable of. Yes it "could've been much worse." Yes. But I don't even think he knows what he's done, or the magnitude of the situation.

So sad.

Baby Steps

Been doing slightly better. Just a smidge. Distractions are starting to work now, for real, at least a little. However, I'm still very, very up and down, and easily drained. Sadness and anger frequently show their ugly faces, and are sometimes indistinguishable from one another. I know that I haven't dealt with all the feelings yet, either. I try my best to be positive and stare at the sunny side of it all, but then I realize that being honest with yourself sometimes beats out sunshine. So, it comes in patches here and there. Overall I'm hurt that I was easy to fall out of love with; it hurts that it happened seemingly so fast- logically I know it wasn't fast-- but it felt fucking fast. That part hurts the most. And I'm angry because I was so tricked; I was so fucking stupid. I wouldn't be here now, I could've been here 5 fucking months ago, and it could've been all done. I guess I loved him a little bit more. I don't want to say I regret loving, because that isn't true. But I regret not trusting my instincts; I regret trusting words instead of actions.

It's a long way down, on this rollercoaster

The other day there was a huge thunderstorm in the afternoon. I went outside and sat on our little bench on our front porch-ish area. There's something comforting about thunderstorms to me, they remind me of my childhood. Both my parents always encouraged me to watch them from a safe place, obviously. But usually from the garage, with the door open. I sat and let the weather reflect every emotion in me...just soaked it up. It was so perfect. I felt understood and expressive. I swear to God, my Mom was there. She sat next to me on that bench for a period of time. The hair on the left side of my body all stood up and I just felt so comforted. (No, I didn't get struck by lightning.) I need comfort so badly, and I'm re-learning safe places to find it. It's not entirely easy.
I wish I could have more moments like that. Where I truly feel like she's right there. I feel like right now she would be the only person on earth who could understand me all the way.

Beautiful veins and bloodshot eyes...

You know what's cool, too. Knowing that I'm actually dealing with all my feelings play by play, and not just leaning on someone close at hand to take my pain away.

I'm not interested in the blame game, really. No game there. Not intersted in the "what-ifs" or "Why didn't you...s?" because I know what I did, and I know why, and I see why.

I always thought I was so ahead of my game. I keep my closestest so close. I'm so damn observant. But apparently when people convince me that they're trustworthy, I keep them at that level in my head, maybe even if they shouldn't be there any more. ...

I had a big entry in mind, but i left in the middle of it, came back, and now don't feel like it.

More soon enough.

And then you realize...

Part of me is still in fucking denial.
I still think this is a terrible dream and I'm going to wake up.

How are these feelings even remotely fucking possible????

5 stages of grief:
1. DENIAL
2. ANGER
3. bargaining (think I'll skip it)
4. DEPRESSION
5. Acceptance......

I swear to fucking God, I start to feel better and then I just fucking hit rock bottom again and again.

FUCK YOU.

Never ending

I fought so hard to grow with you, and you fought hard to grow away.

Fuck all of the fucking bullshit that surrounds this.
I was too good to you, and you were undeserving.

How lame that you sat around and said "You deserve so much better" what a fucking pussy way to get out of something you don't want any more. How fucking lame. How lazy and selfish to keep me around for so long, hoping that I'd get tired of you and you could go away without hurting me, or dealing with your mess.

UGH I AM SO STUPID. YOU DON'T KNOW MY WORTH!

This eats me alive. We have control over nothing in this life. Even the things we fight hardest for, or think we want the most.

I was dropped like a bad habit.

Head Under Water...

...and you tell me, to breathe easy for awhile
but breathing gets harder, even I know that.

It is not simple it is a mess. With pieces of honesty and dishonesty and forgiveness and love and fate and questions.

I do not think you would stoop as low as you think that I think you would. Truly, I don't.

It is very possible that I so desperately want more of an explanation because I can't stand it to be so simple to just fall out of love with someone.

Fear, I guess. Fear pushed the love out, the resentment in. The caged animal is not a happy one. The scared animal even worse. Especially the animal with deep abandonment issues. Sheesh.

Really, what's happening is what I always knew, deep down, would happen.

But the parts that seem to concern you the most, are the parts I don't feel are important, comparatively. And that makes me feel like the whole thing is less severe to you.

But it's important for me to remember, your drama isn't mine any more.

I'm worth more than this.
I deserve better.
Life goes on.

cliche, cliche, cliche.

I'm an angry,sad mess.
I settled.
It takes time.

I just can't get my time back, and I can't get my love back. I never laid out any questionable situations for myself. I always thought I was the crazy over-analyzer, but rarely do I do it to things far in the future.

Did you come here for forgiveness?
Did you come to raise the dead?
Did you come here to play Jesus, to the lepors in your head?

We create our own consequences. I do believe in karma.
You made your bed, now sleep in it. Cliche.

Burn whatever you want.

You broke my heart. I'll say what I want.

Good Morning, grief!

Waking up sucks almost as much as night time.

Just when I thought I'd made some progress, my psyche claws me back down.

Almost there, maybe?

It's the memories, and there are so many. The good ones make me cry.

I should try to focus on the bad, I guess.

more later, I'm sure.

Anger.

I HATE THAT I WANTED IT TO WORK SO BAD, AND THAT I WAS SO BLINDLY IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING THIS TIME.

I HATE YOU FOR BEGINNING TO REPLACE ME BEFORE I WAS EVEN GONE.

I HATE THAT YOU PLAY ALL FUCKING INNOCENT, AND PLAY OFF PEOPLE'S SYMPATHY-- OFTEN TIMES WHEN YOU DO KNOW BETTER.

I HATE THAT YOU WERE ABLE TO DO THE THINGS TO ME THAT YOU DID.

I HATE THAT I GAVE YOU everything. EVERYTHING. and YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL ME YOU WERE DONE WITH ME, TIRED OF ME, ANGRY WITH ME.

I HATE THAT I WASTED THE LAST 5 MONTHS ON SOMETHING YOU NEVER REALLY WANTED.

I HATE THAT YOU USED ME FOR COMFORT BECAUSE YOU WERE CONFUSED.

I HATE THAT I WOULD LEAVE NICE, BIG BLOCKS OF TIME FOR YOU IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I WANTED TO, AND THAT SOMETIMES YOU HUNG OUT WITH ME SIMPLY BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

I HATE THAT I WANT YOU TO WANT ME BACK, AND THAT YOU DON'T.

I HATE THAT I'M THE ONE CRYING EVERY FUCKING NIGHT WHEN I WAS THE ONE BEING FUCKED OVER.

I HATE THAT I FELL FOR IT, AND THAT I WANTED IT SO MUCH.

I HATE THAT I DEFENDED YOU, AND TOOK CARE OF YOU AND LOVED YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAD IN ME-- EVEN WHEN YOU WERE ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE-- AND THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.

I HATE THAT YOU DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.

I HATE THAT YOU'VE MADE ME A FOOL.

I HATE THAT YOU GOT ME TO DISCOUNT MY INSTINCTS.

I HATE THAT YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY KINDNESS, AND MY UNDERSTANDING.

I HATE THAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME TRUST ISSUES.

I HATE THAT YOU CALLED ME A PSYCHO, AND CRAZY WHEN YOU APPARENTLY HAD GIVEN ME REASONS NOT TO TRUST YOU.

I hate how much I lowered my standards and expectations so that you could fit them.

I hate that I lost sight of where you are and where your issues begin.


Look at this mess.

You're Not There

He is not the same person any more.
Obviously no one would be between the ages of 16 and 21. I'm not either.

The only way I'm going to deal with this is falling out of love. You would think that it should be easy with all of the bullshit, but it isn't.

He isn't there. He isn't there. He isn't there.
I don't know who he became.

I realize, with sadness, I have no deeply comforting place any more. I don't know where to go.
Home is sort of a mess, his arms are gone.

I guess I need to make my own comfort.

Courage.

I've been told not to project- because it's upsetting (not just to others, but to yourself!), and it's unfair.
Assumptions are soooo unfair.

But, what happens when your assumptions are more often right then they are wrong?

I said "more often," not always.

Marie said, "It's not easy to be right." If you could've heard her tone, you'd understand that it truly isn't cocky.

At times like this, I kind of wish I was like you, and could turn it on and off, and bottle it up. Ultimately, my way is healthier. And in the long run, I'll have dealt, and more than likely you won't have.

See, assumptions.

I need to let go.

I'm so sick of crying, but I'll just keep drinking water.

I think I want a tattoo...


If you're going through hell, keep going.

But honestly, the hurt pulses with my blood.

. . .

Why does it hurt so bad?

A Long Time to Pretend.

He fell out of love with me. 

Probably a long time ago.

And I was the last to know.

Acoustic #3- Goo Goo Dolls

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause shes got nowhere to go
And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
AND I TRIED SO HARD TO REACH YOU :(
But Your FALLING any way

And you know I see right through you
'Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all the screaming
You're not listening anyway

I Know you Well Enough to Know...

I reevaluate my life.

How much of the last year was real in terms of my relationship? Coward.
It makes me so, incredibly sad. So incredibly ridiculously sad.
Because it was real to me, even when I was struggling, it was real. The feelings were real.

I'm watching Ace of Cakes, and it's a repeat. Boo.

I think it's only a matter of time before he dates her. This honestly makes me feel nauseaus.
I don't think I spelled that word right.

PR class was good. We got our client. Real stuff, real place, real plan. Aaaah. Of course I really took charge. I am a leader, with leader-ish qualities. It's good I guess. My group seems good. A married 22 year old girl who just moved here from texas, a hockey player from Southern Canada. A volleyball player. I'm optimistic so far.

He said "You don't want me back, so what do you want me to do?" Ok....I never said that. I said "I don't know" and it's true. I mean, clearly, right now, absolutely not. But I'd like to make something clear. You don't want to be here. I think you haven't for a while. It kills me. But you know what? I know where I'm not wanted, and I have no desire to be there.

Plus, all the mistreatment helps one to walk, and be pushed, shoved and carried away.

Can't wait to get paid. Went back to work Tuesday. I work again tomorrow, and yeah. The fact that I'll have some money again soon, even really small amounts...is exciting. I missed that feeling the whole summer.

How much is it personality that can't change, that I thought I was so in love with....and how much of it is behavior/issues that can be modified? The world may never know.

I need to learn to cook more things. I need to go out more this year. No, that doesn't mean get drunk every weekend or something. But it's senior year, so some fun is necessary. But I know my definition of fun is a lot different from other people's. I'll play it by ear I guess.

I saw Dylan today, from Tomatoes. He has hair!!!!! It's so weird. It's been so good to see my peeps from Tomatoes around. It makes me happy. Wow, happy. Wow.

I am tempted to make a long list of things I hate.... but even if I kept it private, I'd feel mean. But it might make me feel better. Something to consider.

All the physical activity was good for me yesterday. It made me tired, but today I felt so much better than I did on say, Tuesday. Tuesday was a very very bad emotional day.

"Actions speak louder than words." It's one of those cliche's your mom tells you along with "Treat others the way you want to be treated." But the older I get, and the more I go through life, the more I realize how true it is. Talk is just talk.

NOTHING'S OK, we've been Lied To

I'm in this huge, deep pool. And I can't see the sides, they're too far away. I can't touch the bottom, it's too far away. I'm floating, and I can swim, so it's cool. But I'm fucking getting tired, and it hurts...my muscles burn, my eyes burn. This is all despite the fact that I know how good it is for me; how right.

A hero won't come in time, a martyr won't save our lives, he cant...

My comfort is gone. My life-saver yanked out from under me.

Everything that's dead shall be regrown, and your vicious pain, your warning sign, you will be fine...

I will be fine. Will be. Future tense.

I feel so empty. I am so fucking angry, but at the same time, I miss him in a way that I can't even comprehend it's so intense.

No amount of distraction is enough. I was busy today, from 8AM till 10:30PM, and I still come home and cry.

I don't even know what to write, because it is pure feeling. Pure sadness, pure anger, pure LONELINESS.
.........

I had real yoga today. I had it last week, but it was the intro so we didn't do anything. We did stuff today. I know I'm gonna feel it tomorrow, but I have to admit it was relaxing. And I'm surprisingly good on focusing on nothing. I just think "I am here. Right now. The past isn't, the future isn't, just this moment." and it makes me focus.

About an hour after yoga, I had my voice and movement class (theater) and it's awesome. The people in the class are awesome, the professor is awesome. However, we were up and moving the entire 2.5 hours. I'm talking walking, running, jumping, standing. Seriously, it's awesome and fun, but it's intense. I'm tired.

I need a hot shower and a long sleep. Weird dreams have returned, however, yaaay.

I need to find out what I need to do to feel physically better. Honestly. Physical and emotional shit has been my specialty this week. I'm tired of it.

I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok

They Don't Laugh at Jokes, they Laugh at Tragedies

I feel like everyone who cares about me enough to listen, is sick of hearing it. Because it was so obvious to everyone that it was so wrong, everything was just so wrong. "You deserve so much better."

I won't lose anything/one else, so I've sort of attempted to stop talking. It doesn't feel that difficult, because everything's been said (at least, I think?) The people who need to hear the explanation have heard it.

But my feelings are changing, and I feel like shit. Physical, and emotional shit. It could be because it's only the 2nd week of classes, and I went from doing nothing this summer to being incredibly overwhelmed. That's very possible. Or maybe I'm getting sick. Or maybe the emotional ridiculousness is taking over and gnawing more than I thought it would. I never thought I was fine, but I thought I was doing better than this.

I don't really enjoy being left alone. I'd rather have people around, because then I'm ok, if I'm alone I tend to want to wallow. I need to wallow when I need to wallow. But wallowing is never fun or entirely welcomed, even when it's necessary.

I guess what's worse is that I know how it works on the other side. I know my feelings will be a lot worse for a lot longer. That makes me angry.

Everything makes me angry.

And I don't know why I feel so fucking lonely. I am not alone. I didn't even feel like this the first fucking time.

I should do homework. I've been slacking.

Sarah just went in our kitchen to examine our loaf of bread on the counter, to see if it was moldy yet or anything. There was a hole chewed through the bag, a fairly large hole. Ugh. I can't handle this right now. I just imagine rats, with the ability to collapse their skeletons under doors. UUUGH so gross. Ohh laaaandlord!

Other news....SPB has been keeping me on my toes. This is good and bad. I think it's part of the reason I feel so exhausted. But it's keeping me busy, and I need to be busy. It's strangely satisfying, and I didn't think it would be. I guess it gives me purpose.

George Bush is on TV talking. Blah blah blah John McCain was in a war. Blah blah blah he was captured. Blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit. It's a scary time to live in this country.

I don't know, but I am down. down down down.

How many times can I break til I shatter?

I woke up at 5 AM this morning, for no reason. This hasn't happened since everything went down. All I was wishing for was that he was there. I hate to admit it, but I wanted him to be next to me. It makes me cry.

And it makes no sense. Why would I want someone there who was never sure if he really wanted to be there? I try to remember that he is "sick" in a sense, and lost.

We have/had? real feelings though. I don't know where those go. Neatly in a tight little box, in a drawer. Buried deep from the world, deep from my memory. It's too bad it's everywhere, and they would never fit neatly any where. And were they real? Or were they just cuz they were safe, and comfortable. I'd like to think they are/were real.

We were supposed to help take care of each other. I think this time around I did about 70% of the caring. Better than the first time, but it isn't good enough.

I wish it were simple, black and white. But even with all of the lies, which make me so incredibly angry, I'm inclined to care. I'm inclined to worry if he's sleeping, or if he's crying too much, and his family. Of course I care about his family. They were practically my family. They are all hurting as forbidden topics of the past float to the surface and bob dangerously....guilt, abuse, damage. All out in the open, and Jesus Christ, who the fuck knows what to do when that happens?

You are so damaged, such a victim of circumstance. A victim of life. I never pitied, but I wanted to help. We're all victims. But you took advantage. You're not strong like me. You weren't given the tools I was.

I don't know why I wanted/want? to fix you so badly.

I run in circles.

Wonder if I'm crying too much.

And you give, and you give, and you give yourself away

...Nothing to win, and nothing left to lose...

I thought I'd have so many thoughts to wrangle and post here, but really, there's nothing left to say, except a few stray thoughts.

You love until you don't, you try until you can't.

Potential isn't enough.

Compassion and understanding will be the death of me.

I loved fully and with all of me, and I believe that's all we can do.

I expect the truth, and only the truth, and honesty, and he couldn't or wouldn't give that to me.

I believe in second chances, and third, and maybe even fourth, but at some point, you have to move on. Forgiveness is important, but at some point you have to protect yourself. Ignorance is not an excuse, but perhaps worse is having the insight and making no effort to correct what's wrong.

I don't know if you ever wanted to change. I don't know if you have the strength to do it.

I have no ill will, no bad wishes. I want only the best for him. I want him to get better. Be the best man he can be. Someday he'll find the right person for him, but I guess that isn't me. I don't type those words with ease.

Just because you are strong enough to withstand being mistreated in some way, doesn't mean that it was ever right. Just because I was strong enough to stand for 2 people, doesn't mean that I should've been. I knew that all along. I don't know why I tried to save him so hard. In the end, no one can save anyone except for themselves. He didn't want to be saved, he just wanted to lean. I'm tired of being used like a drug. I guess that never really stopped.

Self-control, morals and values are all things I have, and that I am very, very good with. I always have been, it is a built in part of my personality. I am cautious, and I want to do the right thing. I need someone else who believes these things. It doesn't mean I never make mistakes, or that I am never wrong, or that I can never tolerate mistakes in others. However, I believe in consistency, and that values should be followed. They should be strong within yourself at this age. No one should have to tell you right from wrong and you shouldn't have to be babysat.

Perhaps most importantly...
I need no one's pity. I don't want it. Most of all, I don't want it from someone who I care about so deeply who I pour myself into like that. I don't want your pity. That's so incredibly offensive. I don't want to be protected. Fuck you for trying to protect me from the truth.

I do

deserve better.

I guess that is that.

I have no regrets.

I am going to be ok. I am.

It's just getting to ok that will be the problem.

Liar, If We're Keeping Score

I am a dumbass, and if I get hurt from this point on, it's my own fucking fault.

I Always Believed in Futures

Oh man. I have so much to say, but my brain is scrambled right now. Lots of new information, lots of new people, lots of new committments and lots of new things to learn....aaand classes haven't even started yet!

Nor have I unpacked yet. Blah.

I missed my school friends A LOT. I truly did.

I bought a planner! It has a red polka dot reusable cover thingy :) Hopefully, it's a habit i'll stick with, as it is important this year.

I can't believe it's senior year.

Life is so full of these large pieces. You finally get used to them and get comfortable...and it's time to move on.

My Parents' Death Did I Dear Mourn

I do not consider myself a fake person. I typically wear my heart on my sleeve, especially with major feelings. When I don't feel like I can let it out, it begins to gnaw at me.

My Dad's wedding was this past Saturday. I did my duties as the daughter of the groom. I helped him get the correct colored napkins so she would not remove his head from his shoulders, and I let Mary do my hair how she wanted. I greeted people at the door and let somewhat creepy aquaitences kiss my cheeks, at times dangerously close to my mouth (gross.) I actually felt I looked nice. I believe my dress was very flattering on me. Erick looked really nice as well. I helped vaccum and cut flowers and made a mix CD. I went through the motions that I deemed necessary, and were convincing of my happiness or acceptance. Though I don't think anyone involved realized I was doing them because I am a nice person; because I felt obliged, guilt-tripped, or that it was "the right thing to do." Typically, I am happy doing "the right thing." I need that solid, black and white RIGHT thing. It makes life a little easier for the hyper-analyst in me. However, it wasn't easy to sit through the ceremony. It truly wasn't. A few of the people in attendance, that have known me for years, caught my face, and later asked me about it. Thank god her back was to me.

The vows were nice at first, I guess. I don't know how I'll ever get married, because pure syrupy-sweet vows like that doesn't work for me. It's gross, and it doesn't strike me as real. Unfortunately, I believe the traditional Catholic marriage vows are most realistic. They had fairly traditional vows followed by this "exchange of roses" thing that was clearly some bullshit the justice of the peace threw in for added romance. It went pretty quickly, too, which I was happy about. My brother kept it together, and so did I. If I'm being honest, I didn't listen to the whole ceremony, because I couldn't. The reception was nice. No one really danced, but the band was really good as far as wedding bands go. The food was good too, Taft did a nice job. I realized I had some allies in the room besides Erick and company. Some old neighbors were in attendance, and they could tell how I really felt. I had some good conversations with them, and tomorrow night I've having dinner with a woman who was best friends with my mom for years. She's going to show me pictures, and I'm pumped to some degree. People like her are going to help me learn about my mom, and that's what I need so much, since my Dad can't really talk about her.

So, my point is I made it through the wedding. My big plan had been so sit in my room a few hours before and cry or something, to get it all out. It didn't work out that way. So I think it's boiling up in me now. I was miserable today. It was a number of things at play, but still. I felt bad, because Erick had to deal with me, but then realized how many hours of my time I've spent with him while he's miserable, and he could handle it. I was accused of holding it in and not talking about it, but at this point it's so thick I just felt fucking BLAH. I think I'm just very sad. The wedding stirred deep mommy emotions, and it hurts. I realize it's easier to be angry than to be sad. It's an uphill battle though with this for me, constantly. I typically can make peace with situations after a while. This one just won't quit.

I go back to school super scary soon. Truly not ready for the stress yet. Blaaaaaaaaaah.

This entry was a good vent. All we can do is keep breathing.

I'M NOT A FAILURE NOW!!

LOOK AT ME NOW, BITCHES!!!!
No more feeling guilty and needy.

:-) So happy. I don't even feel like it's real!!!!!!!!!!

I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!!!!!!!!

Short End of the Stick

Ok, so the house I'm living in for this coming school year is really very nice, and I'm excited about it.

I'm nervous about the tension that could form between the three of us. Especially now that my Dad has seen the house. He thinks it's really nice, but he doesn't think it's fair that we're all paying equal rent on it when my room is about half the size of each of their rooms, and mine isn't even a real bedroom...it doesn't have a door (which I forgot about.)

In my head, it didn't really matter, so long as I had my own room. It did cross my mind that the way we chose to pay for it really was unfair to me, but given all the other bullshit surrounding the house, I felt I was lucky to get a spot at all. My guilt (for really almost no reason) got the better of me. So I didn't say anything, and I volunteered to take the shitty room.

However, now my Dad is bitching about it to an extent, and so is Mary, who can never keep her fucking mouth shut. It sucks, and I do regret not even bringing up the subject with the girls, but it's definitely too late now! So shut the fuck up!

Shall we dealth into my guilt? Obviously a major thing was that I wasn't driving, and also that I didn't think I was going to be able to live off campus any way. I thought that I would be commuting to campus every day. So I didn't make an effort to find any place to live. It's hard to go check places out and meet with people if you always have to have someone else bring you there. Whatever the case, one could argue that I just completely slacked off and didn't look on the internet or anything (which I did, but was unsucessful). The other thing that happened was one of our roommates from last year fucked us over and signed a lease with another group of girls and didn't tell us. That left us with a group of 3, and it's harder to find a place for a group of 3 to live than it is for a group of 4. I, of fucking course, was the 3rd. The other 2 were almost definitely going to live together because of the number of years left in their programs. I knew I was going to get fucked over from the get-go, and asked them to just tell me if they were going to kick me out. This is after having an entire year of tension with one of them, any way. Eventually they tell me no. So I am full of relief when we find this really nice house, and decide to martyr myself and take the shitty room, knowing that one of them would have taken it if forced, but that I already felt guilty enough, and since I'll probably feel rather alienated from them by the 2nd week of school anyway, I might as well live on the ground floor by myself.

Neither my Dad nor his wife understand my emotions here, nor do they understand the dynamics of the 3 of us living together. I guess I did fuck up by saying nothing, and I wish I had. But I'm in too deep now I guess. One of them is nice to my face, and we're good friends, but I know she gets irritated with me. The other can be nice, and has good intentions most of the time, but she's an ice queen and definitely looks down on me. They both get along very well.

So idk. I'm psyched for this house, but not for all the possible tension and shit. So it goes.
Driving test again tomorrow. Currently freaking out. I need to drive, it's necessary to my existance, but I kinda am starting to not like it that much already. Whatever, maybe it's because I drove all day today, and I'm exhausted.

I can't take this wedding bullshit.

Is This Time Telling Me?

Ok...

Is this time telling?????

I feel like such a moron. Is something trying to hit me over the head and tell me "he is not right for you, get out!" ???????

I am so stupid.

Oh the summertime

This summer has been challenging. Megan told me Adam called it "a grown-up summer" and I think I'd have to agree.

Everyone's farther away. Marie left for a month (she's back now though, thank god), Megan is an hour away, Adam is fairly far. Another close friend basically decided we were too boring, and pretty much deserted us for another group of friends. She's still in contact, and I honestly miss her, though it definitely does sting. I think the boys were right all along about her. There is still tension due to the changes in FoPa. I understand this, but as we continue forward I truly worry that it may not go away. I'm very scared. I feel my chosen family starting to pull a part a little, and it's very hard for me to handle. I suppose it's life, and if we're meant to be friends still we will stay that way. I obviously will be trying.

The wedding looms closer. I've been able to not think about it the past few days some how. I guess I'm ignoring it, or something.

Yesterday I got all productive and called financial aid, dell, and my doctor. Only one thing was truly successful in this mix, and it was the call to the doctor to change a perscription. Financial aid made me angry, as they claimed I didn't get "work study" money this year because myFAFSA was turned in late. My Dad filled out the form, and was pissed. He says it's a bullshit excuse. I guess we'll see what happens. I've been in touch with my manager at the station, and he said he will do what he has to so that I come back, but "hopes the situation won't put him in a bind." He's trying to be nice, but I have a feeling I may lose my job because of this, and I NEED it. This fucking sucks.

My driving retest also gets closer. I always think about it before I fall asleep. I'm trying to stir up some more of that anger/frustration/focus. I can't have one without the others. I will not focus on how much rides on this (ha, no pun intended.) I simply can't. I have to let it go I guess. I'm sticking around the house this weekend to drive every chance I get. I really should practice in Naugatuck around the same time i'll probably be driving when I actually take the test. I wish I wasn't such a spazz.

The same issues have been on my mind for the past month or so, not a whole lot has changed. I really need to think about moving back into school now, though. That's another date I need to pin down, like NOW, so that my landlord can meet me with the key. Oi.

I'm Made Out of Glue

Ooooooh, it's just times like right now that I could just lose it due to frustration.

Stuuuuuck here, right here. Glued down.

Can I go meet people like a half hour away to catch a movie? Obviously not, because by the time it's over Dad won't feel like driving to come pick me up, and I can't go to Erick's tonight cuz he has a full day and I refuse to sit around his house doing nothing. And I feel it's unfair to ask anyone else to drive me home.

UGH, I feel like I'm 5 years old. I hate that it makes the back of my eyes burn with tears, because it's SO STUPID.

;lekf;aiwehihaknvlakddnl;kcnaasdi3229ue4asdlfkjf;aiew;hroih'eia'nflkandslkfn!!!!

I kinda planned to write a real entry today, but now I should forget it, because I am just...ugh.
Bye.

Give Them Hearts to Love Alone

I went to the memorial service today for the mother of 2 of my old friends from church. It was of course at the same church my mom's funeral was, and clearly the first hymn to be sung had to be "Here I Am Lord." We got there 5 minutes before it began, and the church was absolutely packed. We were standing, and I ended up sitting in a pew right in front of my Dad. There were no hymnals left, and the woman next to me insisted on sharing. I had to sing "Here I Am Lord," or look like an asshole. So I sang it, quietly, and fought tears the whole time. I turned around afterwards and my father was crying.

It was good to go, and necessary. Because I know how it feels to lose someone like that. So anytime I know someone who loses a mother especially, I feel I SHOULD be there. It was hard to sit there, though. But experiences like this push you to grow. It was nice, as the family exited they played the "Sunscreen Song" because it was a favorite of their mother's. It was cute. Overall the service was as about as upbeat and happy as can be managed. I admire them for that, my mother's was much more sad in ways.

As they spoke about her, though, I felt robbed. All the things she was able to share with her family during her short time here, my mother could not. There were many things she did share, and I did learn, I am not unthankful. However, I feel robbed. Life is not fair, but this fact does not make any of the hurt go away. I think lately I feel particularly robbed, because there's a new woman in the house, and I don't have much of a desire to learn from her.

I've been yo-yoing the past few days. I go from truly being ok, to frustrated, to crying. I feel needy, and I do not like feeling that way. It will really take some self control to be ok on the day of the wedding. I'll have to be there, but not be present. It's the only way I'll make it through.

I think that dream I had not too long ago truly means something, or it was my mom trying to tell me something. If it was I wish she'd come to me again.

I'm thinking that for the past several months, I've been in the transition to adulthood, and it has not been easy at all. I'm often an emotional wreck, and I did not spend much of my life like this. I hope it is truly just a phase, and I will grow out of it. I spoke with my friend Amanda about it last night. It seems I'm just transitioning, and transitions are happening all around me. It's hard. I always initially react to change in a panicky way, and over time I readjust, it's just the way I work.

I really want to go back to school. I'm not looking forward to the STRESS that school induces, but I am looking forward to being out of this house where STRESS is induced almost on a daily basis by a woman is not mentally sound.

On a lighter note, I'm addicted to a game called Granny in Paradise. It's similar to Mario, though simpler. The character is a "Granny" type character, and the goal of the game is to rescue all her cats (no lie) before you get attacked by an enemy. It's pretty funny.

La Familia's Dead and Gone

No matter how hard I try, I cannot make peace with this within me. Sometimes I feel sorry for her, sometimes I feel her frustration, but mostly, I hear her mock my father when he says he's tired from his TWELVE HOUR DAY at work.

I cannot let it go. I do not think ANY amount of therapy could help me through this one. They SHOULD NOT be getting married. HE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER, and he deserves SO MUCH MORE. It kills me.

You are SO DEPENDENT, and so am I, but I am a 21 year old college student, you are 54. Fifty-Four!!!! What if you didn't have him??

I do not believe you were made for each other. I believe you are a leech. I believe you have good intentions, but they are tainted and twisted, and even those good intentions are selfishly motivated. I hate the fucking poem stanzas you are putting everywhere, they're ridiculous and overly romantic. You want control, and you want money. You feel you deserve these things!

YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY.

Stop calling me your "bonus-daughter." Even when you take his last name, you will not be my family. That idea makes me sick. It makes me so sick that we will share the same last name. I do not want to be linked to you in such a direct way. I find you embarassing and weird, and I am not a mean person. You have pushed me as few people have in my life.

You are not my family. You are not my step mother. You will be my father's wife.

That is all you are to me.

Grown-Ups Lie

I spent the last 3 nights at Erick's house, which is why I've been so M.I.A. on the internet. I like disappearing for a few days at a time. It used to make me feel upset and disconnected, but I guess part of me realizes it's necessary for my sanity.

Last night Erick took me on a date! Which is always pretty historic. We went to Panera for dinner and went to see Hancock. The movie had a cool concept that I really liked, but was ultimately full of huge plot holes and had a rushed ending. I thought Will Smith did a good job though, the character he played was atypical for him.

I feel very antsy. In almost that good-energetic-I-want-to-exercise way. On Monday, Kevin, Nessa and I (no, Erick didn't want to go) went to a "beach" in New London. It was complete with a 1/2 mile "boardwalk," crappy beach food, a pool, waterslides, and an apparently overrated carnival. I spent too much money for what it was, but it was really really nice to stop sitting around doing nothing or watching TV. It sucked that Erick didn't go, but I had a good time with Kevin and Nessa anyway. The experience was tiring, however, it was a lot of physical activity for me for one day, and so that antsy-jumpy feeling I have now is my body saying "LET'S KEEP EXERCISING!!!"....alas I am apparently too lazy. At least for the moment.

The drama from my previous entry cleared up that night. Good friends are very understanding.

I have a lot of "feelings" stuff to write about. Erick was having a job interview at a grocery store and I was nextdoor in a Pharmacy waiting for him (too hot to sit in a car with a/c that doesn't work) and I was entertaining myself by reading greeting cards. The wedding ones caught my eye, and my physical reaction was slumping over and almost getting teary... I have to keep acting like I'm ok with it. However, I know deep down: I am not. I'm "acting" ok to protect myself, and to protect my father and possibly even my brother. My reaction to the cards just revealed how upset it truly makes me...not matter how much I rationalize it, or "accept" it, or what have you. Blah. Being a grown-up sucks in that way. We have to lie sometimes about our gut instincts or about our feelings.

I suppose that's another entry. I have a lot of feelings. I realize that these past months for me, December to about May, were some of the worst of my life. I refuse to let senior year be like that.

It's Getting Harder and Harder to Breathe

4th of July has been a running bad day for me the past 2 years. Erick and I fought our hardest 2 years in a row. This year that changed slightly. He fought hard with his Mom, and and hard with life's frustrations. He lashed out. Maybe Saturn comes into Peices in July? I don't know, but I wish there was an explanation as to why he loses is all every year on the 4th of July.

There were tentative BBQ plans at the Alfisi house, but I was under the impression everyone was off, and they apparently were not. So Erick's drama with his Mama (haha) caused a lot of tension and took up several hours of the evening. Kevin and I did damage control until close to 9pm. It wasn't exactly fun. The weather was grosss. We sat around, ate grilled cheese. Needless to say, none of the tentative plans worked out at all. I guess things got confused all around, and "plans" with others got twisted? I don't really know. But I do know that now there are things to be explained and issues to be cleared up. Bleh. I understand that drama is a part of life, but I'm really sick of it.

In the end, the Alfisi drama died down, and we got Erick to agree to leave the house. We drove to a back road in Bristol and watched the Lake Compounce fireworks at 10pm, then stopped and got frosties. First time Erick and I have ever watched fireworks together peacefully, it was nice. Semi-romantical.

I think I might actually make it to a beach on Monday with Nessa, Erick, and Kevin. I hope it happens.

Today I "got back on the horse" and I drove home from Mary's Granddaughter's birthday party. driving the Honda is nicer than driving turtle (little Toyota) and I felt a little more confident. I hoped this would happen....I get really pissed off and determined. Seriously, I'm going to run with that energy. The birthday party was fine, in their steep-hill of a backyard with some of the best BBQ food I've had this summer. Danielle (Mary's daughter) called me her children's "Aunt." Which, I have to admit, doesn't bother me at all. I think it's cute, mostly because I really like the children. I guess I'm going to be their step-Aunt. Hmmm....

I've had a decent day, and I'm in a decent mood I suppose. I just hate having drama looming. I just want to talk about it and get it over with. Blah.

I'm Weak I'm Not Where I Want to Be

I failed.

I'm angry at myself.

It's funny how it works, cuz of course I got a 100 on the written, right?

I guess I was thinking too hard about HOW MUCH depends on this fucking piece of plastic with my photo on it matters.

The inspector was 500 lbs, and went between being a complete asshole and being a decent human being. I take responsibility for failing, right of way mistake, big surprise. However, he was still an asshole.

"back into any one of these spots" (I do it, and I'm slightly to one side, but not far off the middle) "You need to be in between the lines" .... "uh...can I look and see where I am?" ..."You need to be in the lines, you need to straighten out" (I open the door and look and I AM between the fucking lines, almost in the middle, but i follow orders and straighten out, aka, center myself)

I suppose everything happens for a reason, and it means I need more practice. I retake August 4th.

Try, try again...... but it still fucking sucks. I still feel stupid. Stupid piece of plastic...that I want/need ever so badly. :-(

Dream

It's 9:01 AM, and normally I would not be awake. But I just had a dream that was so intense, the kind that makes you inclined to not want to go back to sleep. Of course I now need to write it all down...

The first thing I remember is standing outside a hospital room in the hallway. Or something to that effect...this part is getting blurry already. I know that my dad and brother were with me. We go into the hospital room and my mom is in there, she's as sick as she was before she died. Only, she's on a ventilator, but apparently the ventilator is magical, because it controls her breathing and everything, but she is conscious, and can "talk" as she would've "talked" in real life. Also, it is not in her mouth. There's just a machine nearby that controls her breathing some how. The story here, as well as I can remember, is that I was at college for a long span like I always am, and someone made the super-bright decision of not telling me that my mom was in the hospital. I had no idea how long she'd actually been there or anything. The reason I was now brought there was because it was time for her to leave. It was time to turn the ventilator off and let her go. I was so angry walking in because no one had told me she was here, and now I had to say goodbye, and it would never be enough. I was fairly calm at the beginning, just angry. So I walk in and see her in the bed. Her blue eyes follow me. [ I rarely dream about my mother, so when I do, it's usually quite stirring] I sit down next to her bed [similarly to how I used to do this next to the wheel chair] and start talking to her. I don't really remember what was said, I just remember the feelings. I know we were communicating, and I felt a lot of understanding passing between us.
I know she was aware of what was going on, but she didn't let it overwhelm her. The one thing I do remember her "telling" me was that Brooke and Amanda [my childhood friends/neighbors] had called her and talked to her and it made her so so so happy. I took a little break from Mom, and I walked out into the hallway again. At this point I overhear the doctor explaining to my Dad what is going to happen..."First, we'll just slow down the breathing, and eventually it will stop." Dad nods gravely. I walk away and start crying, hard. I am drawn back to the room, but I cannot stop crying. Dad sees me and says something like "ooooooh, honey." It's notable, though, in the dream he is not equally upset. He is upset, but not to the degree he really would have been. I know I spent a lot of time "talking" to Mom. At some point the doctor comes in, and Mom and I are alone. He does something to the "ventilator" and her breathing slows, and she becomes unconscious. I start crying again, and while I was alone with her in the room, I know that my Dad wants to leave immediately. So we leave before she has passed.
Back at home, for some reason, I seem to have walked up the hill to my house instead of accepting the ride up it. I emerge across the street from my house, between the 2 houses, and Amanda is there. She's trying to comfort me, and telling me to talked to my mom earlier in the day, and all this stuff. I tell her what my Mom said about Brooke and her calling, how it was one of the happiest things that had happened to her. As I grow more and more upset, Amanda leaves and I guess I went into the house. I go into my parents room and lay on the bed [It still looked like their actual room] I fell asleep briefly, when I awoke, Mary was in the room. She's doing something at the foot of the bed, and she has to keep going back into my Mom's closet [that I somehow truly know is Mary's] I figure out she's wrapping gifts. She keeps going back into the closet to grab things. I don't think she was aware of me there. As I watch her I start getting really, really angry in my head. I'm mentally yelling at her, "WHY ARE YOU HERE?!? SHE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!! SHE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!! WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!??!!" The crying freaking continues, and I am magically upstairs. I'm trying to find my cell phone in my messy room because I want to call Erick so badly. I remember that I have the wrong number programmed into my phone, and have to search around for the new one. I'm crying really hard at this point.... and then my conscious mind started to pull at the dream, because I remember thinking "it isn't fair to compare her to your mother, it really isn't fair, they are 2 different people, it's not right to compare them."......

and now I'm awake. I think I know a lot of what contributed to the dream.
:-(