I'm in this huge, deep pool. And I can't see the sides, they're too far away. I can't touch the bottom, it's too far away. I'm floating, and I can swim, so it's cool. But I'm fucking getting tired, and it hurts...my muscles burn, my eyes burn. This is all despite the fact that I know how good it is for me; how right.
A hero won't come in time, a martyr won't save our lives, he cant...
My comfort is gone. My life-saver yanked out from under me.
Everything that's dead shall be regrown, and your vicious pain, your warning sign, you will be fine...
I will be fine. Will be. Future tense.
I feel so empty. I am so fucking angry, but at the same time, I miss him in a way that I can't even comprehend it's so intense.
No amount of distraction is enough. I was busy today, from 8AM till 10:30PM, and I still come home and cry.
I don't even know what to write, because it is pure feeling. Pure sadness, pure anger, pure LONELINESS.
.........
I had real yoga today. I had it last week, but it was the intro so we didn't do anything. We did stuff today. I know I'm gonna feel it tomorrow, but I have to admit it was relaxing. And I'm surprisingly good on focusing on nothing. I just think "I am here. Right now. The past isn't, the future isn't, just this moment." and it makes me focus.
About an hour after yoga, I had my voice and movement class (theater) and it's awesome. The people in the class are awesome, the professor is awesome. However, we were up and moving the entire 2.5 hours. I'm talking walking, running, jumping, standing. Seriously, it's awesome and fun, but it's intense. I'm tired.
I need a hot shower and a long sleep. Weird dreams have returned, however, yaaay.
I need to find out what I need to do to feel physically better. Honestly. Physical and emotional shit has been my specialty this week. I'm tired of it.
I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok
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