You know it meant everything.

Feeling like such a victim today. I don't like to be a victim. I also know I'm only the victim if I let myself be. But I feel it today,and maybe it's the weather, or lack of actual rest.

It's very possible to sleep without resting.

I just sit and think sometimes, and it hurts in such a phenomenal way.

And, I know, logically where everything falls and how it fits all together. But if all we had was logic it would definitely be easier. I wish I was operating on more logic lately. I fluctuate too much.

It just FEELS like I loved so much deeper.
I think, back in March, beginning of April, I was out of love with you. Even if it was only a short time. I saw the light and all the wrongs, and all the bullshit. I was angry, and even tho I was dumped I felt in control.
But... I followed my heart. Because all of the reasons to LOVE him, to be in LOVE made their way back up to the surface. I thought I was being so cautious. I didn't wear my ring for a long time, because I was so scared. I don't think I put it back on til sometime in the beginning of July.
I thought I was protecting myself. I really did. I thought I could trust it for some reason. Like the fear of the first time would be enough for him.
It wasn't.

I wasn't enough.
That hurts a lot, too. Is that despite all the shitty behavior and stuff, I decided he was enough. He was worth the risk, and worth my time... so worth it.
I was wrong.
I lowered my standards.

I'm being redundant here.

It's funny, cuz before, the exact same things I just wrote about made me so angry. And today they make me so sad. So I think the emotions will have different effects on my words, and they don't.

But I just keep thinking about him waking up from surgery and asking for me, all the hours I spent with him, all the movies, going and seeing Wall-E and Dark Knight, a cool day we spent at the mall together. When we watched the olympics, and that one day at the pool at the end of the summer. How I wanted to see him through everything that went wrong, and I wanted to be the one to make him feel better. How on the 4th of July he had a meltdown, and I tried to sit with him and hug him, even when he was telling me to get out, and to leave. I just wanted to comfort him. How I just fought to hard, had such a "we can do it!" attitude. I knew we were both at hard points in our lives, hard transitions. I have been for almost a year. But I thought we could handle them together. I was willing to try and do that. Which is funny, because I truly believe half the shit I dealt with he wouldn't have done the same for me if I acted out in the ways he did. He composed a song on my phone, and did funny voices. I think our goofiness got us through the summer. I was his advocate, and his full supporter. I stood hard in my positions. I am fiercely loyal, and he was not. While I was fighting so hard for him, for his rights, his identity, he was getting too friendly with a girl at work, and falling out of love with me.

You called me from that party, and I distinctly remember how sweet you were to me. It was weird. You said you wanted to talk about my day with me the next day and that you loved me and you called to say goodnight. I TRUSTED YOU. And not long before you were telling someone else how you felt about them. I TRUSTED YOU.

Then he lied to my face.

It's funny.... Cuz whenever he was overly nice to me, I always questioned it. He always got defensive "C'mon am I that bad?!"... But the one time I should've, I didn't.

I blindly handed over my trust, cuz I believed every word you said to me about trying again, and not wanting to get back to where we were in March, and blah blah blah blah blah.

I just feel so stupid :'-( I gave him a role he did not deserve.

I don't think he's as good as I gave him credit for for so long. I don't know if the potential is there any more. People make mistakes, yes. But is there no end to the mistakes? How do you come to the conclusion that someone is "bad" or that they just make a shitload of mistakes.

This isn't how you treat people you claim to love. I thought you did, I thought I felt it. But it just doesn't add up at all.

I just thought I knew him so well. His mom always told me that she thought I knew him better than she did in certain ways. I thougt I might've too, but clearly I wasn't aware of what he was capable of. Yes it "could've been much worse." Yes. But I don't even think he knows what he's done, or the magnitude of the situation.

So sad.