Baby Steps

Been doing slightly better. Just a smidge. Distractions are starting to work now, for real, at least a little. However, I'm still very, very up and down, and easily drained. Sadness and anger frequently show their ugly faces, and are sometimes indistinguishable from one another. I know that I haven't dealt with all the feelings yet, either. I try my best to be positive and stare at the sunny side of it all, but then I realize that being honest with yourself sometimes beats out sunshine. So, it comes in patches here and there. Overall I'm hurt that I was easy to fall out of love with; it hurts that it happened seemingly so fast- logically I know it wasn't fast-- but it felt fucking fast. That part hurts the most. And I'm angry because I was so tricked; I was so fucking stupid. I wouldn't be here now, I could've been here 5 fucking months ago, and it could've been all done. I guess I loved him a little bit more. I don't want to say I regret loving, because that isn't true. But I regret not trusting my instincts; I regret trusting words instead of actions.

It's a long way down, on this rollercoaster

The other day there was a huge thunderstorm in the afternoon. I went outside and sat on our little bench on our front porch-ish area. There's something comforting about thunderstorms to me, they remind me of my childhood. Both my parents always encouraged me to watch them from a safe place, obviously. But usually from the garage, with the door open. I sat and let the weather reflect every emotion in me...just soaked it up. It was so perfect. I felt understood and expressive. I swear to God, my Mom was there. She sat next to me on that bench for a period of time. The hair on the left side of my body all stood up and I just felt so comforted. (No, I didn't get struck by lightning.) I need comfort so badly, and I'm re-learning safe places to find it. It's not entirely easy.
I wish I could have more moments like that. Where I truly feel like she's right there. I feel like right now she would be the only person on earth who could understand me all the way.

Beautiful veins and bloodshot eyes...

You know what's cool, too. Knowing that I'm actually dealing with all my feelings play by play, and not just leaning on someone close at hand to take my pain away.

I'm not interested in the blame game, really. No game there. Not intersted in the "what-ifs" or "Why didn't you...s?" because I know what I did, and I know why, and I see why.

I always thought I was so ahead of my game. I keep my closestest so close. I'm so damn observant. But apparently when people convince me that they're trustworthy, I keep them at that level in my head, maybe even if they shouldn't be there any more. ...

I had a big entry in mind, but i left in the middle of it, came back, and now don't feel like it.

More soon enough.