They Don't Laugh at Jokes, they Laugh at Tragedies

I feel like everyone who cares about me enough to listen, is sick of hearing it. Because it was so obvious to everyone that it was so wrong, everything was just so wrong. "You deserve so much better."

I won't lose anything/one else, so I've sort of attempted to stop talking. It doesn't feel that difficult, because everything's been said (at least, I think?) The people who need to hear the explanation have heard it.

But my feelings are changing, and I feel like shit. Physical, and emotional shit. It could be because it's only the 2nd week of classes, and I went from doing nothing this summer to being incredibly overwhelmed. That's very possible. Or maybe I'm getting sick. Or maybe the emotional ridiculousness is taking over and gnawing more than I thought it would. I never thought I was fine, but I thought I was doing better than this.

I don't really enjoy being left alone. I'd rather have people around, because then I'm ok, if I'm alone I tend to want to wallow. I need to wallow when I need to wallow. But wallowing is never fun or entirely welcomed, even when it's necessary.

I guess what's worse is that I know how it works on the other side. I know my feelings will be a lot worse for a lot longer. That makes me angry.

Everything makes me angry.

And I don't know why I feel so fucking lonely. I am not alone. I didn't even feel like this the first fucking time.

I should do homework. I've been slacking.

Sarah just went in our kitchen to examine our loaf of bread on the counter, to see if it was moldy yet or anything. There was a hole chewed through the bag, a fairly large hole. Ugh. I can't handle this right now. I just imagine rats, with the ability to collapse their skeletons under doors. UUUGH so gross. Ohh laaaandlord!

Other news....SPB has been keeping me on my toes. This is good and bad. I think it's part of the reason I feel so exhausted. But it's keeping me busy, and I need to be busy. It's strangely satisfying, and I didn't think it would be. I guess it gives me purpose.

George Bush is on TV talking. Blah blah blah John McCain was in a war. Blah blah blah he was captured. Blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit. It's a scary time to live in this country.

I don't know, but I am down. down down down.