I Know you Well Enough to Know...

I reevaluate my life.

How much of the last year was real in terms of my relationship? Coward.
It makes me so, incredibly sad. So incredibly ridiculously sad.
Because it was real to me, even when I was struggling, it was real. The feelings were real.

I'm watching Ace of Cakes, and it's a repeat. Boo.

I think it's only a matter of time before he dates her. This honestly makes me feel nauseaus.
I don't think I spelled that word right.

PR class was good. We got our client. Real stuff, real place, real plan. Aaaah. Of course I really took charge. I am a leader, with leader-ish qualities. It's good I guess. My group seems good. A married 22 year old girl who just moved here from texas, a hockey player from Southern Canada. A volleyball player. I'm optimistic so far.

He said "You don't want me back, so what do you want me to do?" Ok....I never said that. I said "I don't know" and it's true. I mean, clearly, right now, absolutely not. But I'd like to make something clear. You don't want to be here. I think you haven't for a while. It kills me. But you know what? I know where I'm not wanted, and I have no desire to be there.

Plus, all the mistreatment helps one to walk, and be pushed, shoved and carried away.

Can't wait to get paid. Went back to work Tuesday. I work again tomorrow, and yeah. The fact that I'll have some money again soon, even really small amounts...is exciting. I missed that feeling the whole summer.

How much is it personality that can't change, that I thought I was so in love with....and how much of it is behavior/issues that can be modified? The world may never know.

I need to learn to cook more things. I need to go out more this year. No, that doesn't mean get drunk every weekend or something. But it's senior year, so some fun is necessary. But I know my definition of fun is a lot different from other people's. I'll play it by ear I guess.

I saw Dylan today, from Tomatoes. He has hair!!!!! It's so weird. It's been so good to see my peeps from Tomatoes around. It makes me happy. Wow, happy. Wow.

I am tempted to make a long list of things I hate.... but even if I kept it private, I'd feel mean. But it might make me feel better. Something to consider.

All the physical activity was good for me yesterday. It made me tired, but today I felt so much better than I did on say, Tuesday. Tuesday was a very very bad emotional day.

"Actions speak louder than words." It's one of those cliche's your mom tells you along with "Treat others the way you want to be treated." But the older I get, and the more I go through life, the more I realize how true it is. Talk is just talk.