How many times can I break til I shatter?

I woke up at 5 AM this morning, for no reason. This hasn't happened since everything went down. All I was wishing for was that he was there. I hate to admit it, but I wanted him to be next to me. It makes me cry.

And it makes no sense. Why would I want someone there who was never sure if he really wanted to be there? I try to remember that he is "sick" in a sense, and lost.

We have/had? real feelings though. I don't know where those go. Neatly in a tight little box, in a drawer. Buried deep from the world, deep from my memory. It's too bad it's everywhere, and they would never fit neatly any where. And were they real? Or were they just cuz they were safe, and comfortable. I'd like to think they are/were real.

We were supposed to help take care of each other. I think this time around I did about 70% of the caring. Better than the first time, but it isn't good enough.

I wish it were simple, black and white. But even with all of the lies, which make me so incredibly angry, I'm inclined to care. I'm inclined to worry if he's sleeping, or if he's crying too much, and his family. Of course I care about his family. They were practically my family. They are all hurting as forbidden topics of the past float to the surface and bob dangerously....guilt, abuse, damage. All out in the open, and Jesus Christ, who the fuck knows what to do when that happens?

You are so damaged, such a victim of circumstance. A victim of life. I never pitied, but I wanted to help. We're all victims. But you took advantage. You're not strong like me. You weren't given the tools I was.

I don't know why I wanted/want? to fix you so badly.

I run in circles.

Wonder if I'm crying too much.