Why'd You Have to Go and Let It Die?

All that it takes is some time,
but I'm shattered.



And I don't know what can ever exist without trust.
Back to running mental circles.


EDIT 11:54 pm-

Let's review what I truly deserve. This is for me.

Complete trust, honesty, also... to compete with NO ONE, not even remotely, not even a little bit. I should NEVER, EVER have to deal with that BULLSHIT. I should not have to WASTE my energy and time TRYING to figure out if I'm being lied to, or if I need to even entertaining the idea of competing with some other girl. I should not be the second choice. I AM BETTER THAN THAT. I should not have my very understanding/forgiving nature TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. My feelings should come first to someone I'm in a relationship with- I deserve the said person's patience, support, caring and worrying- I should be the only person other than family to get thisstrong an out pour of feelings from them....I should not be the person who gets the LEAST of these things!! That's FUCKED UP!
I deserve to get to see the best of a person I'm with, not only the worst. I deserve to be a large part of this person's support system, but not their crutch, or their mother. I deserve the same support in return.
I deserve to be someone they enjoy spending time with and look forward to spending time with-- not a burden or an obligation. My feelings to not rise and fall within someone else's convenience. I am not here for someone else's convenience. I am fiercely loyal and that doesn't change with the weather. I deserve no less in return. I do not deserve to be second choice for time-spending, either. I don't deserve to be there only if there's nothing better to do. I am better than that.

I do not deserve to be yanked around like a rag doll. I am a real, whole person with feelings. REAL feelings. I am not a toy, or an object.

I do not respect cowards. I do not half-ass things. I love fully and with all of me. Making my list of priorities is a privilege, not a right. Seriously.

I acknowlege that everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. People's experiences, parents and situations help make them who they are. These things are not in our control. However, no one has the right to hide behind their past. At some point we grow up. We reflect, we get help if we have to. We need to look back and learn from what we've been through. Ignorance and lazyness is no excuse. Especially faked ignorance. It doesn't mean that we live without pain or damage, or that it's always easy, but everyone has pain and damage, and it's important to remember you're not unique. I do not deserve to have that pain inflicted onto me. There is a difference between supporting and being a psychological punching bag.

I don't do mind games. I am not stupid. I read people well, especially people that I've known for a long time. It doesn't mean I don't ever miss anything-- love has blinded me before. But I should not be messed with. I can see right through you when I know you. I swear... I have been deeply underestimated in the past. Do not underestimate me.

I deserve the best- with no exceptions.