Why'd You Have to Go and Let It Die?

All that it takes is some time,
but I'm shattered.



And I don't know what can ever exist without trust.
Back to running mental circles.


EDIT 11:54 pm-

Let's review what I truly deserve. This is for me.

Complete trust, honesty, also... to compete with NO ONE, not even remotely, not even a little bit. I should NEVER, EVER have to deal with that BULLSHIT. I should not have to WASTE my energy and time TRYING to figure out if I'm being lied to, or if I need to even entertaining the idea of competing with some other girl. I should not be the second choice. I AM BETTER THAN THAT. I should not have my very understanding/forgiving nature TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. My feelings should come first to someone I'm in a relationship with- I deserve the said person's patience, support, caring and worrying- I should be the only person other than family to get thisstrong an out pour of feelings from them....I should not be the person who gets the LEAST of these things!! That's FUCKED UP!
I deserve to get to see the best of a person I'm with, not only the worst. I deserve to be a large part of this person's support system, but not their crutch, or their mother. I deserve the same support in return.
I deserve to be someone they enjoy spending time with and look forward to spending time with-- not a burden or an obligation. My feelings to not rise and fall within someone else's convenience. I am not here for someone else's convenience. I am fiercely loyal and that doesn't change with the weather. I deserve no less in return. I do not deserve to be second choice for time-spending, either. I don't deserve to be there only if there's nothing better to do. I am better than that.

I do not deserve to be yanked around like a rag doll. I am a real, whole person with feelings. REAL feelings. I am not a toy, or an object.

I do not respect cowards. I do not half-ass things. I love fully and with all of me. Making my list of priorities is a privilege, not a right. Seriously.

I acknowlege that everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. People's experiences, parents and situations help make them who they are. These things are not in our control. However, no one has the right to hide behind their past. At some point we grow up. We reflect, we get help if we have to. We need to look back and learn from what we've been through. Ignorance and lazyness is no excuse. Especially faked ignorance. It doesn't mean that we live without pain or damage, or that it's always easy, but everyone has pain and damage, and it's important to remember you're not unique. I do not deserve to have that pain inflicted onto me. There is a difference between supporting and being a psychological punching bag.

I don't do mind games. I am not stupid. I read people well, especially people that I've known for a long time. It doesn't mean I don't ever miss anything-- love has blinded me before. But I should not be messed with. I can see right through you when I know you. I swear... I have been deeply underestimated in the past. Do not underestimate me.

I deserve the best- with no exceptions.

Then Why the Hell are you so Sad?

Mmm. So.

The universe is unfolding as it should...

I get that. Seriously.
But it doesn't make it any easier!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: We create our own consequences.
Myself included! (Duh.)

I just don't know where any of the pieces go any more. When that happens the walls go up.
Me and confusion, we hang out a lot.

I always run in circles. So, what does one do?...Stop running, OR, leave the circle. I stopped.
But I can't shake that feeling that I've got these gaping holes that everyone can look through.

In all seriousness. I truly stopped running. Dead. It's the only thing I can possibly think of to DO at this point. How else do I protect myself?

I wish my brain could process it all faster. Maybe that's part of my problem-- it still hasn't all been dealt with yet.

Ugh. I am vague and messy.

I wonder if my emotions shine through my eyes all day long. I mean, in general everyone's do. Bet I'm exhausting to look at.

Disconnect

People generally create messes. Emtotional messes, psychological messes....and quite obviously, physical messes.

I think I have gotten quite used to cleaning up, or, desperately trying to clean up those messes. Maybe that's why my major is PR. Haaaa....What's a little scary is that I'm so used to being at a mess's beck and call that now that I am not, I feel disconnect, and like I have holes punched through me. I feel fairly discombobulated.

"discombobulated" looks cool typed out.


The main advice I keep hearing is, "Focus on yourself, now. Take care of yourself." Ok...so I sleep enough, I eat enough, I go to yoga once a week, I'm all involved, I do my homework (most of the time), I work. Uhhhh... what else do I do? I still feel discombobulated...big chunks are missing. I'm trying really, really hard here. I do not know what else to do to take care of myself--to make ME feel better.

Yeah, once again I've gone and attempted to describe a feeling that's pretty hard to describe.

....

Though, now that I think about it, I imagine "broken heart" could've just saved me a few hundred keystrokes. Ohhhh man.

The damn crickets here chirp constantly-- all day and all night. Chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp. It's damn annoying. I feel like there are lots of extra crickets in Hamden. At home I live near woods and stuff, and I don't hear crickets all freakin day long. Last year they always got into our school house, I killed several of them. This year a huge chirping monster got into my room. Still though, thanks to Disney whenever I kill one I feel like I shouldn't have. Like I just murdered my conscience.

There was a Praying Mantis on our front steps a few weeks ago. Bugs like our house, apparently.

It keeps getting cloudy then sunny again, and windy. I wish it would just rain and get it over with.

How do you completely push out someone you've let so far in for so long?
I was thinking about this this morning...
How do you come to a logical conclusion that someone you've cared about so deeply for so long is actually a person that fits into one of those catergories of people in your head that you don't like, need or really, honestly respect and look up to????
It's funny, this whole paragraph can be read in 2 ways.


It's fun to realize your self-esteem is more damaged than originally thought. It's easy to get sucked in and over analyze it. It's not easy to toy with the idea of how easy you are to fall out of love with, or how difficult it is to fall out of love with someone who probably should be very easy to fall out of love with. What's wrong with me?

I guess there's some comfort in knowing that at least I am not a coward.
At least- though disconnected, heart-broken,and confused- I have morals and values and things I believe in that will help me be healthy, and move on to hopefully better things.
I'm real-- in the least J.Lo way possible. haha.

Oh, but those holes man. The pain continues.

Deconstruction Site

I feel...empty-ish.

Hard to describe. When you spend part of almost every weekend with one person for 5 years... you feel empty without them.

I don't want to see what I have worked so hard to build fall apart

To be perfectly honest, I'm sick of thinking about this. I'm sick of writing about it. I'm sick of the feelings caused by it. Clearly no one wants to be sad a lot of the time, or feel like they're living in a bad dream most of the time. I don't like that if I wake up early I don't want to go back to sleep, because I always dream most deeply when I do that, and I hate dreaming lately. I absolutely avoid dreaming.

Well, I'm the truest true that you ever knew

I was right all along. The pieces of my life stretch far beyond him. In no way am I at a complete loss. I never cut anyone else out. I never stopped being me. I always said that, and I now know I was absolutely right and it's absolutely true. I guess there's some comfort in that. It's good to have yourself to fall back on. Haha, even if there's really not that much room to fall.

I miss everything...



I love fall, but it got kinda cold last night, and I was sooo not enjoying it. Ugh. I want crisp fall days that are sunny. Not this weird cold, humid evening stuff. Bleh.

Last night I could've gone out to dinner with a few e-boarders and Syrus and Brooke from the Real World. I hadn't been feeling great since the afternoon, so I opted out, plus who really wants to eat with 2 people who were on Real World and pretend they know something about politics? Mmm, right.

I haven't hiked yet, and I really miss the mountain. Maybe tomorrow? Depends on if i'm feeling better or not.

Oh, I hate homework. I don't want to do the academic part of school...obviously, I WILL. But I'm sick of it. I hate unclear professors, or crazy professors. I'm tired of trying to please them and work with them. It's so lame- how difficult is it to make a syllabus that you pretty much stick to? Or how difficult is it to have class on a Thursday, and bring the assignment you want finished for next Tuesday with you? Oh wait, I forgot, I don't have a life and am a slave to my e-mail so I can allow for the time to do a damn assignment that you send to me at some point over the weekend. LAME!

I think I'm over English/Lit. classes. They ruin books for me. They are nit-picking ridiculous. Rawr, complain complain complain.

Tonight I have to run my friend's event on campus cuz she's on a retreat with another group. I'm a tad nervous, but luckily one other e-boarder will be around to help. It's "Irish Night" haha, yeaah. I guess we'll see how it goes. Oh yeah, also going Apple Picking with honors this afternoon. Woooo, fruit.

I have much running around to do as well-- and never enough money for it all! It's sooo awesome.

:(

I'm having a "sad" day.


I seriously, seriously was dropped like a bad habit.

I could type it out, but it's the same things I've said a million times, just this time in the context of sad instead of angry.

It's not fair.

My Chemicals, Left me a Beautiful Disaster...

...still love's all I see

Being strong gets old just like crying does.

I am lonely.

I miss him.

Grief is the heaviest emotion there is. I feel like someone is dead. I guess something is dead.

It's really, really hard to turn someone from what you thought was your best friend to your mortal emotional enemy in your head. It hurts like hell.

And I laugh at myself, as the tears roll down
'Cause it's the world I know,
It's the world I know.

It's really, really hard to watch a huge portion of your life break off and crumble to dust in a little over a month.

Maybe I should hate you for this

I have a cold going. Or my fall allergies are rolling in, not quite sure which it is currently. But yeah, not feeling so hot.

School is....well, school. I'm a bit of a slacker lately. I kind of don't care. I mean, I'm still doing my work and stuff, but yeah, not at all far enough in advance. I have little to no interest in it. My attention span is still fairly limited. I have senioritis. There isn't enough money, ever. I have been more positive, seen the pros, felt the anger, picked up, you know, I know I have to just let it all go. I've been better, but as I've said before, it builds up just to fall. It's going to take a long, long time.

Had dinner with a few tomatoes last night. It made me so so so so happy. Honestly. I love doing all that stuff. I love that it ignited passion in others, and it's for a good cause, and it will probably be my legacy at this school. Thank god I have SOMETHING that makes me happy and excited.

Achoo.

There's nothing better than affairs of the heart,
to make you feel so good, then tear you apart

Katie's getting a cat to live with her in her apartment :) Clearly, this makes me incredibly excited. I wish I had an animal here right now. I want a kitty to cuddle with, and play with.


Scary stuff... being thrown back out into the "dating pool." It doesn't matter, because I have no desire to get close to anyone even remotely. I'm weary of people that go beyond acquaitances. I am scared of being fucked over again. Not that it's even remotely a current concern. Whatever, I blabber about things that hold no importance currently. My patience is gone with anyone who isn't already a close friend.

I need more little packs of tissues to carry around.

I am behind on drama class journal entries. I should do it now. Too bad I just feel like wallowing.

You know it meant everything.

Feeling like such a victim today. I don't like to be a victim. I also know I'm only the victim if I let myself be. But I feel it today,and maybe it's the weather, or lack of actual rest.

It's very possible to sleep without resting.

I just sit and think sometimes, and it hurts in such a phenomenal way.

And, I know, logically where everything falls and how it fits all together. But if all we had was logic it would definitely be easier. I wish I was operating on more logic lately. I fluctuate too much.

It just FEELS like I loved so much deeper.
I think, back in March, beginning of April, I was out of love with you. Even if it was only a short time. I saw the light and all the wrongs, and all the bullshit. I was angry, and even tho I was dumped I felt in control.
But... I followed my heart. Because all of the reasons to LOVE him, to be in LOVE made their way back up to the surface. I thought I was being so cautious. I didn't wear my ring for a long time, because I was so scared. I don't think I put it back on til sometime in the beginning of July.
I thought I was protecting myself. I really did. I thought I could trust it for some reason. Like the fear of the first time would be enough for him.
It wasn't.

I wasn't enough.
That hurts a lot, too. Is that despite all the shitty behavior and stuff, I decided he was enough. He was worth the risk, and worth my time... so worth it.
I was wrong.
I lowered my standards.

I'm being redundant here.

It's funny, cuz before, the exact same things I just wrote about made me so angry. And today they make me so sad. So I think the emotions will have different effects on my words, and they don't.

But I just keep thinking about him waking up from surgery and asking for me, all the hours I spent with him, all the movies, going and seeing Wall-E and Dark Knight, a cool day we spent at the mall together. When we watched the olympics, and that one day at the pool at the end of the summer. How I wanted to see him through everything that went wrong, and I wanted to be the one to make him feel better. How on the 4th of July he had a meltdown, and I tried to sit with him and hug him, even when he was telling me to get out, and to leave. I just wanted to comfort him. How I just fought to hard, had such a "we can do it!" attitude. I knew we were both at hard points in our lives, hard transitions. I have been for almost a year. But I thought we could handle them together. I was willing to try and do that. Which is funny, because I truly believe half the shit I dealt with he wouldn't have done the same for me if I acted out in the ways he did. He composed a song on my phone, and did funny voices. I think our goofiness got us through the summer. I was his advocate, and his full supporter. I stood hard in my positions. I am fiercely loyal, and he was not. While I was fighting so hard for him, for his rights, his identity, he was getting too friendly with a girl at work, and falling out of love with me.

You called me from that party, and I distinctly remember how sweet you were to me. It was weird. You said you wanted to talk about my day with me the next day and that you loved me and you called to say goodnight. I TRUSTED YOU. And not long before you were telling someone else how you felt about them. I TRUSTED YOU.

Then he lied to my face.

It's funny.... Cuz whenever he was overly nice to me, I always questioned it. He always got defensive "C'mon am I that bad?!"... But the one time I should've, I didn't.

I blindly handed over my trust, cuz I believed every word you said to me about trying again, and not wanting to get back to where we were in March, and blah blah blah blah blah.

I just feel so stupid :'-( I gave him a role he did not deserve.

I don't think he's as good as I gave him credit for for so long. I don't know if the potential is there any more. People make mistakes, yes. But is there no end to the mistakes? How do you come to the conclusion that someone is "bad" or that they just make a shitload of mistakes.

This isn't how you treat people you claim to love. I thought you did, I thought I felt it. But it just doesn't add up at all.

I just thought I knew him so well. His mom always told me that she thought I knew him better than she did in certain ways. I thougt I might've too, but clearly I wasn't aware of what he was capable of. Yes it "could've been much worse." Yes. But I don't even think he knows what he's done, or the magnitude of the situation.

So sad.

Baby Steps

Been doing slightly better. Just a smidge. Distractions are starting to work now, for real, at least a little. However, I'm still very, very up and down, and easily drained. Sadness and anger frequently show their ugly faces, and are sometimes indistinguishable from one another. I know that I haven't dealt with all the feelings yet, either. I try my best to be positive and stare at the sunny side of it all, but then I realize that being honest with yourself sometimes beats out sunshine. So, it comes in patches here and there. Overall I'm hurt that I was easy to fall out of love with; it hurts that it happened seemingly so fast- logically I know it wasn't fast-- but it felt fucking fast. That part hurts the most. And I'm angry because I was so tricked; I was so fucking stupid. I wouldn't be here now, I could've been here 5 fucking months ago, and it could've been all done. I guess I loved him a little bit more. I don't want to say I regret loving, because that isn't true. But I regret not trusting my instincts; I regret trusting words instead of actions.

It's a long way down, on this rollercoaster

The other day there was a huge thunderstorm in the afternoon. I went outside and sat on our little bench on our front porch-ish area. There's something comforting about thunderstorms to me, they remind me of my childhood. Both my parents always encouraged me to watch them from a safe place, obviously. But usually from the garage, with the door open. I sat and let the weather reflect every emotion in me...just soaked it up. It was so perfect. I felt understood and expressive. I swear to God, my Mom was there. She sat next to me on that bench for a period of time. The hair on the left side of my body all stood up and I just felt so comforted. (No, I didn't get struck by lightning.) I need comfort so badly, and I'm re-learning safe places to find it. It's not entirely easy.
I wish I could have more moments like that. Where I truly feel like she's right there. I feel like right now she would be the only person on earth who could understand me all the way.

Beautiful veins and bloodshot eyes...

You know what's cool, too. Knowing that I'm actually dealing with all my feelings play by play, and not just leaning on someone close at hand to take my pain away.

I'm not interested in the blame game, really. No game there. Not intersted in the "what-ifs" or "Why didn't you...s?" because I know what I did, and I know why, and I see why.

I always thought I was so ahead of my game. I keep my closestest so close. I'm so damn observant. But apparently when people convince me that they're trustworthy, I keep them at that level in my head, maybe even if they shouldn't be there any more. ...

I had a big entry in mind, but i left in the middle of it, came back, and now don't feel like it.

More soon enough.

And then you realize...

Part of me is still in fucking denial.
I still think this is a terrible dream and I'm going to wake up.

How are these feelings even remotely fucking possible????

5 stages of grief:
1. DENIAL
2. ANGER
3. bargaining (think I'll skip it)
4. DEPRESSION
5. Acceptance......

I swear to fucking God, I start to feel better and then I just fucking hit rock bottom again and again.

FUCK YOU.

Never ending

I fought so hard to grow with you, and you fought hard to grow away.

Fuck all of the fucking bullshit that surrounds this.
I was too good to you, and you were undeserving.

How lame that you sat around and said "You deserve so much better" what a fucking pussy way to get out of something you don't want any more. How fucking lame. How lazy and selfish to keep me around for so long, hoping that I'd get tired of you and you could go away without hurting me, or dealing with your mess.

UGH I AM SO STUPID. YOU DON'T KNOW MY WORTH!

This eats me alive. We have control over nothing in this life. Even the things we fight hardest for, or think we want the most.

I was dropped like a bad habit.

Head Under Water...

...and you tell me, to breathe easy for awhile
but breathing gets harder, even I know that.

It is not simple it is a mess. With pieces of honesty and dishonesty and forgiveness and love and fate and questions.

I do not think you would stoop as low as you think that I think you would. Truly, I don't.

It is very possible that I so desperately want more of an explanation because I can't stand it to be so simple to just fall out of love with someone.

Fear, I guess. Fear pushed the love out, the resentment in. The caged animal is not a happy one. The scared animal even worse. Especially the animal with deep abandonment issues. Sheesh.

Really, what's happening is what I always knew, deep down, would happen.

But the parts that seem to concern you the most, are the parts I don't feel are important, comparatively. And that makes me feel like the whole thing is less severe to you.

But it's important for me to remember, your drama isn't mine any more.

I'm worth more than this.
I deserve better.
Life goes on.

cliche, cliche, cliche.

I'm an angry,sad mess.
I settled.
It takes time.

I just can't get my time back, and I can't get my love back. I never laid out any questionable situations for myself. I always thought I was the crazy over-analyzer, but rarely do I do it to things far in the future.

Did you come here for forgiveness?
Did you come to raise the dead?
Did you come here to play Jesus, to the lepors in your head?

We create our own consequences. I do believe in karma.
You made your bed, now sleep in it. Cliche.

Burn whatever you want.

You broke my heart. I'll say what I want.

Good Morning, grief!

Waking up sucks almost as much as night time.

Just when I thought I'd made some progress, my psyche claws me back down.

Almost there, maybe?

It's the memories, and there are so many. The good ones make me cry.

I should try to focus on the bad, I guess.

more later, I'm sure.

Anger.

I HATE THAT I WANTED IT TO WORK SO BAD, AND THAT I WAS SO BLINDLY IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING THIS TIME.

I HATE YOU FOR BEGINNING TO REPLACE ME BEFORE I WAS EVEN GONE.

I HATE THAT YOU PLAY ALL FUCKING INNOCENT, AND PLAY OFF PEOPLE'S SYMPATHY-- OFTEN TIMES WHEN YOU DO KNOW BETTER.

I HATE THAT YOU WERE ABLE TO DO THE THINGS TO ME THAT YOU DID.

I HATE THAT I GAVE YOU everything. EVERYTHING. and YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL ME YOU WERE DONE WITH ME, TIRED OF ME, ANGRY WITH ME.

I HATE THAT I WASTED THE LAST 5 MONTHS ON SOMETHING YOU NEVER REALLY WANTED.

I HATE THAT YOU USED ME FOR COMFORT BECAUSE YOU WERE CONFUSED.

I HATE THAT I WOULD LEAVE NICE, BIG BLOCKS OF TIME FOR YOU IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I WANTED TO, AND THAT SOMETIMES YOU HUNG OUT WITH ME SIMPLY BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

I HATE THAT I WANT YOU TO WANT ME BACK, AND THAT YOU DON'T.

I HATE THAT I'M THE ONE CRYING EVERY FUCKING NIGHT WHEN I WAS THE ONE BEING FUCKED OVER.

I HATE THAT I FELL FOR IT, AND THAT I WANTED IT SO MUCH.

I HATE THAT I DEFENDED YOU, AND TOOK CARE OF YOU AND LOVED YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAD IN ME-- EVEN WHEN YOU WERE ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE-- AND THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.

I HATE THAT YOU DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.

I HATE THAT YOU'VE MADE ME A FOOL.

I HATE THAT YOU GOT ME TO DISCOUNT MY INSTINCTS.

I HATE THAT YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY KINDNESS, AND MY UNDERSTANDING.

I HATE THAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME TRUST ISSUES.

I HATE THAT YOU CALLED ME A PSYCHO, AND CRAZY WHEN YOU APPARENTLY HAD GIVEN ME REASONS NOT TO TRUST YOU.

I hate how much I lowered my standards and expectations so that you could fit them.

I hate that I lost sight of where you are and where your issues begin.


Look at this mess.

You're Not There

He is not the same person any more.
Obviously no one would be between the ages of 16 and 21. I'm not either.

The only way I'm going to deal with this is falling out of love. You would think that it should be easy with all of the bullshit, but it isn't.

He isn't there. He isn't there. He isn't there.
I don't know who he became.

I realize, with sadness, I have no deeply comforting place any more. I don't know where to go.
Home is sort of a mess, his arms are gone.

I guess I need to make my own comfort.

Courage.

I've been told not to project- because it's upsetting (not just to others, but to yourself!), and it's unfair.
Assumptions are soooo unfair.

But, what happens when your assumptions are more often right then they are wrong?

I said "more often," not always.

Marie said, "It's not easy to be right." If you could've heard her tone, you'd understand that it truly isn't cocky.

At times like this, I kind of wish I was like you, and could turn it on and off, and bottle it up. Ultimately, my way is healthier. And in the long run, I'll have dealt, and more than likely you won't have.

See, assumptions.

I need to let go.

I'm so sick of crying, but I'll just keep drinking water.

I think I want a tattoo...


If you're going through hell, keep going.

But honestly, the hurt pulses with my blood.

. . .

Why does it hurt so bad?

A Long Time to Pretend.

He fell out of love with me. 

Probably a long time ago.

And I was the last to know.

Acoustic #3- Goo Goo Dolls

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause shes got nowhere to go
And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
AND I TRIED SO HARD TO REACH YOU :(
But Your FALLING any way

And you know I see right through you
'Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all the screaming
You're not listening anyway

I Know you Well Enough to Know...

I reevaluate my life.

How much of the last year was real in terms of my relationship? Coward.
It makes me so, incredibly sad. So incredibly ridiculously sad.
Because it was real to me, even when I was struggling, it was real. The feelings were real.

I'm watching Ace of Cakes, and it's a repeat. Boo.

I think it's only a matter of time before he dates her. This honestly makes me feel nauseaus.
I don't think I spelled that word right.

PR class was good. We got our client. Real stuff, real place, real plan. Aaaah. Of course I really took charge. I am a leader, with leader-ish qualities. It's good I guess. My group seems good. A married 22 year old girl who just moved here from texas, a hockey player from Southern Canada. A volleyball player. I'm optimistic so far.

He said "You don't want me back, so what do you want me to do?" Ok....I never said that. I said "I don't know" and it's true. I mean, clearly, right now, absolutely not. But I'd like to make something clear. You don't want to be here. I think you haven't for a while. It kills me. But you know what? I know where I'm not wanted, and I have no desire to be there.

Plus, all the mistreatment helps one to walk, and be pushed, shoved and carried away.

Can't wait to get paid. Went back to work Tuesday. I work again tomorrow, and yeah. The fact that I'll have some money again soon, even really small amounts...is exciting. I missed that feeling the whole summer.

How much is it personality that can't change, that I thought I was so in love with....and how much of it is behavior/issues that can be modified? The world may never know.

I need to learn to cook more things. I need to go out more this year. No, that doesn't mean get drunk every weekend or something. But it's senior year, so some fun is necessary. But I know my definition of fun is a lot different from other people's. I'll play it by ear I guess.

I saw Dylan today, from Tomatoes. He has hair!!!!! It's so weird. It's been so good to see my peeps from Tomatoes around. It makes me happy. Wow, happy. Wow.

I am tempted to make a long list of things I hate.... but even if I kept it private, I'd feel mean. But it might make me feel better. Something to consider.

All the physical activity was good for me yesterday. It made me tired, but today I felt so much better than I did on say, Tuesday. Tuesday was a very very bad emotional day.

"Actions speak louder than words." It's one of those cliche's your mom tells you along with "Treat others the way you want to be treated." But the older I get, and the more I go through life, the more I realize how true it is. Talk is just talk.

NOTHING'S OK, we've been Lied To

I'm in this huge, deep pool. And I can't see the sides, they're too far away. I can't touch the bottom, it's too far away. I'm floating, and I can swim, so it's cool. But I'm fucking getting tired, and it hurts...my muscles burn, my eyes burn. This is all despite the fact that I know how good it is for me; how right.

A hero won't come in time, a martyr won't save our lives, he cant...

My comfort is gone. My life-saver yanked out from under me.

Everything that's dead shall be regrown, and your vicious pain, your warning sign, you will be fine...

I will be fine. Will be. Future tense.

I feel so empty. I am so fucking angry, but at the same time, I miss him in a way that I can't even comprehend it's so intense.

No amount of distraction is enough. I was busy today, from 8AM till 10:30PM, and I still come home and cry.

I don't even know what to write, because it is pure feeling. Pure sadness, pure anger, pure LONELINESS.
.........

I had real yoga today. I had it last week, but it was the intro so we didn't do anything. We did stuff today. I know I'm gonna feel it tomorrow, but I have to admit it was relaxing. And I'm surprisingly good on focusing on nothing. I just think "I am here. Right now. The past isn't, the future isn't, just this moment." and it makes me focus.

About an hour after yoga, I had my voice and movement class (theater) and it's awesome. The people in the class are awesome, the professor is awesome. However, we were up and moving the entire 2.5 hours. I'm talking walking, running, jumping, standing. Seriously, it's awesome and fun, but it's intense. I'm tired.

I need a hot shower and a long sleep. Weird dreams have returned, however, yaaay.

I need to find out what I need to do to feel physically better. Honestly. Physical and emotional shit has been my specialty this week. I'm tired of it.

I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok

They Don't Laugh at Jokes, they Laugh at Tragedies

I feel like everyone who cares about me enough to listen, is sick of hearing it. Because it was so obvious to everyone that it was so wrong, everything was just so wrong. "You deserve so much better."

I won't lose anything/one else, so I've sort of attempted to stop talking. It doesn't feel that difficult, because everything's been said (at least, I think?) The people who need to hear the explanation have heard it.

But my feelings are changing, and I feel like shit. Physical, and emotional shit. It could be because it's only the 2nd week of classes, and I went from doing nothing this summer to being incredibly overwhelmed. That's very possible. Or maybe I'm getting sick. Or maybe the emotional ridiculousness is taking over and gnawing more than I thought it would. I never thought I was fine, but I thought I was doing better than this.

I don't really enjoy being left alone. I'd rather have people around, because then I'm ok, if I'm alone I tend to want to wallow. I need to wallow when I need to wallow. But wallowing is never fun or entirely welcomed, even when it's necessary.

I guess what's worse is that I know how it works on the other side. I know my feelings will be a lot worse for a lot longer. That makes me angry.

Everything makes me angry.

And I don't know why I feel so fucking lonely. I am not alone. I didn't even feel like this the first fucking time.

I should do homework. I've been slacking.

Sarah just went in our kitchen to examine our loaf of bread on the counter, to see if it was moldy yet or anything. There was a hole chewed through the bag, a fairly large hole. Ugh. I can't handle this right now. I just imagine rats, with the ability to collapse their skeletons under doors. UUUGH so gross. Ohh laaaandlord!

Other news....SPB has been keeping me on my toes. This is good and bad. I think it's part of the reason I feel so exhausted. But it's keeping me busy, and I need to be busy. It's strangely satisfying, and I didn't think it would be. I guess it gives me purpose.

George Bush is on TV talking. Blah blah blah John McCain was in a war. Blah blah blah he was captured. Blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit. It's a scary time to live in this country.

I don't know, but I am down. down down down.

How many times can I break til I shatter?

I woke up at 5 AM this morning, for no reason. This hasn't happened since everything went down. All I was wishing for was that he was there. I hate to admit it, but I wanted him to be next to me. It makes me cry.

And it makes no sense. Why would I want someone there who was never sure if he really wanted to be there? I try to remember that he is "sick" in a sense, and lost.

We have/had? real feelings though. I don't know where those go. Neatly in a tight little box, in a drawer. Buried deep from the world, deep from my memory. It's too bad it's everywhere, and they would never fit neatly any where. And were they real? Or were they just cuz they were safe, and comfortable. I'd like to think they are/were real.

We were supposed to help take care of each other. I think this time around I did about 70% of the caring. Better than the first time, but it isn't good enough.

I wish it were simple, black and white. But even with all of the lies, which make me so incredibly angry, I'm inclined to care. I'm inclined to worry if he's sleeping, or if he's crying too much, and his family. Of course I care about his family. They were practically my family. They are all hurting as forbidden topics of the past float to the surface and bob dangerously....guilt, abuse, damage. All out in the open, and Jesus Christ, who the fuck knows what to do when that happens?

You are so damaged, such a victim of circumstance. A victim of life. I never pitied, but I wanted to help. We're all victims. But you took advantage. You're not strong like me. You weren't given the tools I was.

I don't know why I wanted/want? to fix you so badly.

I run in circles.

Wonder if I'm crying too much.