Overwhelmed, as usual.

It's difficult to have fun, and keep up with the work. I've been lazy academically, and it's biting me hard. It's difficult to focus on fairly simple assignments. I don't want to blow my decent cumulative GPA senior year, that would be bad. So I'm trying to balance having fun, all my other responsibilities and actually doing the work I need to be doing. It isn't proving to be easy.

If I was on top of my shit, I could've done fun stuff tonight with friends instead of forcing myself to read way too much Charlotte Bronte. I'm trying to keep a good attitude though, there's still time for fun things to happen, and I'm not missing everything. Just take it a day at a time.

One day at a time.


And then....there's the idea that the more things change, the more they stay the same :-/

I'm going home tomorrow. Excited to see Marie, my brother, and my Dad.
Nervous about seeing Mary. I feel like I'm going to be cornered and berated for not calling. I just don't want to deal with her. I think back to the summer, and I think about what a joke she kind of is. This sounds harsh, even as I re-read. She's a person- and not an entirely bad person- with feelings and hopes and issues. I've been able to put all of my feelings about her on the back-burner for almost the last 2 months, and it was really really easy to shove them aside. But I am nervous to go home because she's all about confrontation, and I'm now paranoid that because I haven't talked to her since leaving, that she's going to confront me in some not so pleasant way.

It's just not something I want to deal with. I don't know how long it's going to take me to accept the situation for what it is in it's entirety. I've got the shell of those feelings figured out, enough to act like I accept it when confronted, but not enough to call for small talk on a random afternoon.
It would be a lie to say that I do not care about her at all, but it I still struggle with where exactly to put her in my life. She's unstable- and this drives me to not trust her.

I have a lot to learn.


I also find myself sitting here, wishing that it could just be simple. I go in circles and I know there's just too much damage for anything to be simple.

Oh, I still have to watch The Office that I missed...hmm.