Give Them Hearts to Love Alone

I went to the memorial service today for the mother of 2 of my old friends from church. It was of course at the same church my mom's funeral was, and clearly the first hymn to be sung had to be "Here I Am Lord." We got there 5 minutes before it began, and the church was absolutely packed. We were standing, and I ended up sitting in a pew right in front of my Dad. There were no hymnals left, and the woman next to me insisted on sharing. I had to sing "Here I Am Lord," or look like an asshole. So I sang it, quietly, and fought tears the whole time. I turned around afterwards and my father was crying.

It was good to go, and necessary. Because I know how it feels to lose someone like that. So anytime I know someone who loses a mother especially, I feel I SHOULD be there. It was hard to sit there, though. But experiences like this push you to grow. It was nice, as the family exited they played the "Sunscreen Song" because it was a favorite of their mother's. It was cute. Overall the service was as about as upbeat and happy as can be managed. I admire them for that, my mother's was much more sad in ways.

As they spoke about her, though, I felt robbed. All the things she was able to share with her family during her short time here, my mother could not. There were many things she did share, and I did learn, I am not unthankful. However, I feel robbed. Life is not fair, but this fact does not make any of the hurt go away. I think lately I feel particularly robbed, because there's a new woman in the house, and I don't have much of a desire to learn from her.

I've been yo-yoing the past few days. I go from truly being ok, to frustrated, to crying. I feel needy, and I do not like feeling that way. It will really take some self control to be ok on the day of the wedding. I'll have to be there, but not be present. It's the only way I'll make it through.

I think that dream I had not too long ago truly means something, or it was my mom trying to tell me something. If it was I wish she'd come to me again.

I'm thinking that for the past several months, I've been in the transition to adulthood, and it has not been easy at all. I'm often an emotional wreck, and I did not spend much of my life like this. I hope it is truly just a phase, and I will grow out of it. I spoke with my friend Amanda about it last night. It seems I'm just transitioning, and transitions are happening all around me. It's hard. I always initially react to change in a panicky way, and over time I readjust, it's just the way I work.

I really want to go back to school. I'm not looking forward to the STRESS that school induces, but I am looking forward to being out of this house where STRESS is induced almost on a daily basis by a woman is not mentally sound.

On a lighter note, I'm addicted to a game called Granny in Paradise. It's similar to Mario, though simpler. The character is a "Granny" type character, and the goal of the game is to rescue all her cats (no lie) before you get attacked by an enemy. It's pretty funny.