I Am In Love with a Boy, Manufactured to Destroy

Can't shake the feeling that my family is dying off. In actuality, I still have plenty of family left, but, with the circumstances that exist within my immediate family, it's no longer easy or normal to be connect to extended family. I grew up being connected to them, and I am an adult now, so obviously I still can be, but it's difficult. It's much nicer when your immediate family is right there with you. But things change. Circumstances change. People die.

Relationships die.

You can accept people as your family and almost not realize it til it's too late... or feel lonelier than you ever thought you would be without someone.

I bitch and moan, and these are normal life things. But when I consider what I had before age 16, and what I have now...
Jesus Christ.

I have great friends, I still have a lot of family. Never will I ever claim I am unlucky, or that I haven't been blessed. But it doesn't mean you can't feel lonely. Or wish desperately for someone to completely understand you. I feel my emotions are so lost on my family, "You'll be fine. You want to talk to someone? I'm worried about you..." No, it isn't fine. No, I already talked to someone, and realized all the coping mechanisms/attitudes he was attempting to teach me I already posess. It made me feel better, but it's not necessary. Therapy can't help me get over it. That's something only time can help with.

My computer wants to be a part of my past, too. It keeps shutting down by itself randomly. I'm pretty sure it's over-heating. It had a bout of this a while ago. Ugh. I just want a Mac at this point. But there's no money. Ever. So it just stresses my Dad out. "Use it til you can't use it any more." and I shall. Piece of shit Dell. Brought it to the Help Desk today, "It might be the mother board, and those are expensive, and you don't have a warranty any more." Mmm, right. I'll just take the battery out and try it just plugged into the wall.... did it work? Of course not. They can't even diagnose a fucked mother board, apparently. That's cute. Whatever. I just wanted this thing to get through one more school year, it didn't even have to make it til June, just through May! But it's ok, my year from hell is almost over. It's November now, where it all started last year. So I paid my dues. I get a break soon, right?
But I know that isn't how it works....I don't even say it with bitterness. It just isn't how it is. The universe is cold.

So we press on.

I'm still not ready for winter...coldness and darkness do not translate well into my volatile moods. I have plenty to look forward too, but all the things feel empty. Mourning is such a bitch.

Seriously, I used my metaphor of having big holes punched through me. They show themselves in different ways every day. It doesn't mean I'm never happy, or myself. It just means there are pieces missing that I didn't think would be.

It's lonely here..... but it's life. Maybe I'll learn to never invest so much in one person. Maybe.

But I don't want to be like that either.

I did nothing useful with my extra hour.