bang bang, he shot me down, bang bang, I hit the ground

Today was mostly dreary and gross. It drizzled a lot. I hate when people refer to drizzl-ing as "sprinkling." I think it really sounds dumb for some reason. On days like today I can't decide which is worse-- full on downpours or the drizzly-lame-half-assed stuff.

I'm tired but hesitant to sleep.

Got an invitation in the mail from the president of "my workplace" to attend the staff holiday party at a fancy shmancy place where I had prom. Ugh. Go and risk seeing professors or people who I was happy to leave behind? Don't think so...I mean it is a free meal, and probably seeing who's a booze hound and who is not. I'd feel like an insider, or something. Even though "my company" writes my paycheck I detest how my "situation" was handled at the end of the year. Kind of makes you wonder how much of higher education is sort of a sham. Is it sad that it leaves such a horrible taste in my mouth? I really feel like myself and my peers made the most of my experience much more so than almost any of the educators...with the exception of a few.

Reduced calorie Oceanspray juice is kinda gross. Fail.

I really want to see a meteor shower. Forgot about the one last night. Almost don't even want to google it to see pics cuz i feel like it'll ruin the first experience or something.

I thought I was in the mood to babble for a while but I guess not.

If man is 5..and the devil is 6, then God is 7

Never stopped caring, you know, not even for a second. Maybe got really tired of the expectations and the head games and stuff, but never, ever stopped caring.

You hear news, and you think things, and you worry. Yeah, I worry. People send flowers and cards and stuff, but really you wish you could send hope, encouragement...or like a big crystal ball telling them it'll be fine. Or a hug in an envelope, or something. There are obviously no guarantees, but I have hope, and confidence. For whatever that's worth. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

"Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."

Been having very very weird dreams again lately. All they do is reprove to me how many crazy feelings I keep neatly stored away inside my head. It's funny when you have a dream chock-full-o-symbolism and it almost plays like a novel full of metaphors reads, but then you realize it wasn't some crazy author or director, but your very own sub conscience choosing the symbols. Like what does a guy with his stomach stapled represent? I have a few guesses.

The author of the "Twilight" series was on Oprah the other day, and she said she was inspired by a dream to write the first book...a very vivid dream. Maybe I'll do that next time? And become a world famous novelist? Riiiiight. The movie was stupid, any way.

For the first time in a while sleep's tugging at my eyes. Giving in. Heavy dreams for some heavy thoughts? Perhaps. Probably. 'Night.

Thoughts

"We are walking down the street, holding hands. There's a playground at the end of the block and I run to the swings and climb on, and Henry takes the one next to me, facing the opposite direction, and we swing higher and higher, passing each other, sometimes in synch and sometimes streaming past each other so fast it seems like we're going to collide, and we laugh, and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment."

Just a quote I like from The Time Traveler's Wife-- the book, not the movie. Finished the book last night, and it made me think a lot.

For instance, I wonder what draws people together. When you consider how many people there are just wandering around this giant world, you have to wonder what brings us together in the little groupings we end up in. Obviously we gain friends from places we frequent; school, work, etc., but what about those we have no daily connections to that simply fall into place, into our lives?

They come in and out for various reasons. But how do they know when to arrive...when to leave? When one stops helping the other and one starts harming? Or if they're really MADE for each other? I believe in soul mates. But really, what draws these souls together? ... Tragedy? Happiness? Deep emotions or silly scientific things like gravity and hormones? Is it really just about sex ultimately? The continuation of a species....or is there something more?

How do we make sure we keep the ones around who are really meant to be around us?

Can we really control who walks in and out...at all?

I am happier now, where I am. I'm calmer, I'm trusting, I'm not crying nearly as frequently when alone and left to think. I'm being met more than half-way on all levels of need. I wonder, how long is he here....and how do I know I can trust myself to take care of myself first. Because I have to, always.

More stuff is floating around my head, but I am too tired to fish it out.

My eyes are tired. I am tired.

How It Feels

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to feel the beat

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

You spent half of your life trying to fall behind
You're using your headphones to drown out your mind
It was so easy, and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

Someone's deciding whether or not to steal
He opens the window just to feel the chill
He hears that outside a small boy just starting to cry
'Cause it's his turn but his brother won't let him try

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet

It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat

Regina Spektor, Eet.

Hippity Hoppity

I have not written in a long time. I am inclined to do so now...sort of.

I have multiple "To Do" lists. They are daunting. Especially on Easter- eve. I've begun to shy away from holidays, and had been basking in the glory of the "holiday season" being over. I've also come to the conclusion that my (roughly) year and a half of complete hell came to a close at the start of this semester. Finally. The undertow let go.

My show is coming, quickly. My sketch comedy show. Monday marks the beginning of hell week. I still love theater, but Quinnipiac helped destroy it for me a little bit. I don't know exactly how much I love it any more...at least directing. Quinnipiac has taught me that I may or may not be a huge fan of the directing process. But then again, who the the hell actually learns about the directing process at Quinnipiac University? Right.

The "injuries" of the past year are so are sometimes apparent. Damaged trust, scary dreams, avoidance of home. I love my immediate family but have little patience for them at times. I miss my mom. A psychic-medium came to my school said my Mom was standing behind her, twisting her tongue. Clearly, I can't tell if this psychic is real or not, but it seemed like something my Mom might do.  I don't know. I'd like to see a medium again though. This psychic had a lot to say. She had me choose 10 cards. Right in the middle those I chose...she flips over one and says "So...a broken heart. What's that about?" Oh my. Deep shakey breath in.

I feel like a workaholic. Like a few people I went to high school with, and their parents. I always thought to myself "I will never be like that." I feel "like that" lately. Only problem being that I am so caught up in the present that I have little time to think about the FUTURE...which is quickly, QUICKLY approaching. I almost have a bachelor's degree. It feels unreal. 4 years already? Really? And certainly no plans yet for after graduation. Certainly not. It makes me feel ill. 

I want to bake, but I really do not have time. I will next week. Promise to self. When show is over, I will bake. Chocolate chip cookies. I need some comfort. 

It's raining, and I can hear it hitting the house. I have tentative plans for later tonight, but I'm not looking forward to leaving a house. Although I might feel differently once I'm home. I don't know if the weather should be such a deciding factor in making or breaking my mood. 

I have props that need making and modifications. Some of which I need Mary's glue gun for. 

I slept until 11:15 today. That's the latest I've slept in... months. It felt like I was breaking the rules. I keep occasionally mistaking the rain noises for people moving around outside noises. It's creepy. This house makes creepy noises. 

I have a project due in my creative non-fiction class on Thursday that I really should get done today. I have to draw a comic. Not thrilled. Too time consuming. 

I'm in kind of a somber mood. Eh. Not the best time to write after not writing in months. I'll write something happy and inspiring after Tomatoes is over and I can get the rush of being on stage and donating a good chunk of change to a good cause. 

All my friends say, that of course it's gonna get better...

...gonna get better, better, better, better, better, beeeeetteeeeerrrrr

Internship= seems awesome. but oh, the work. Ready for take off! Nooow. Tomorrow is the first day.

Last weekend= Amazing company. Awesome hibatchi. Not enough homework.

Work= WQUN...anchoring, which is a good thing, but 15 hours a week is alot. But money. I need money.

Tomatoes= fabulous. They came back excited to see each other and ready to go, even though 3 of them weren't there, the energy was what I've been waiting for. What drives my passion. I felt the energy.

Classes= Yikes. Lots of journaling, lots of reading. 15 credits away from my degree. Deep breathes. Still have the time to sleep, but that won't last long.

Feelings= been in notably good moods lately. Like, more notably good than in months, which I think you never realize until it's happening. Clearly this is a good thing, but it wouldn't be what it is without balancing it out with fighting tears while making dinner, for reasons I don't fully understand. I fought them hard though, we mustn't let the tator tots see us cry as we place them in the oven. Broken hearts hang heavy, I suppose. Grief flickers as a candle, but we've been over that. Grief is not just for funerals, and grave visits, unfortunately.

Regina Spektor reminds me of the first time we broke up. I played the album, "Begin to Hope," constantly in fact, I played it out. I rarely listen to it now. It's beautiful, but it makes me sad. The songs are playing for me now, in my head. Lady sing the blues so well... as if she mean it. The problem is the looming Super Bowl, it brings me right back. As if it's hell down here in the smoke-filled world, where the jokes are cold... I think I've been in such good moods because I'm taking credit for all the work I've put in the last 4 years. It gives me a bit of a sense of security, it makes me feel accomplished. Lately I feel stronger again. I haven't felt like that in a long time. But still, today a deep sadness or something like that spread it's roots again. Ugh. Maybe it's just like muscle memory. Our emotions are like muscles. ...they don't laugh at jokes, they laugh at tragedies. I wish I could watch the last year on fast forward.



I want to sleep now, but my creative non-fiction syllabus is demanding I do some reading before bed, it's such a bitch.


Wednesday might be a snow day. One can only hope. Spoon under the pillow with the pajamas inside out. QU shall text me at 5 AM and let me know. One can only hope the 13 hour+ day will begin late or be cut short.



...and it breaks my heart, it breaks my heart, it breaks my hea-a-a-eart

But I Don't Say A Lot of Things...

...and you, my love, are gone

Break is quickly wrapping up. I'm sitting here pondering the beginning of a new semester, and getting overwhelmed. Not that I haven't done it before... but it's so overwhelming. Neither work nor internship has confirmed my hours for next semester, and that is stressful because I also have meetings that need to be scheduled around them. I was hoping this would be taken care of by now, as I've been in contact with both coordinators throughout most of break. Whatever. I love SPB, but it absorbs much of my time. There also happens to be a lot of guilt tripping within the executive board. Which irritates the hell out of me, because we're all good people, and if we aren't showing up somewhere or doing something it's truly because we can't, and not because we do not want to. Sigh. Back to the grind veeeerry soon.

It's cold. So, so cold. Arctic temperatures cold. Go outside for 10 minutes and your flesh freezes cold. My house is cold, it's so drafty. I hate the dog. I hate that my dad picks up my perscription for me and has to hide it, because if she finds out that he did something for me she'll start shit with him. I hate that people change so much, and so extremely. They fuck you over, and yet you still care. Hold out hope for something...but what exactly? You know. I sit here in desperation, have a good reason to leave the house, well, kind of a good reason... and then...wait I have to reconsider because I know I stand a chance of becoming, well, absolutely completely upset. Lose-Lose situations I create for myself over and over, but others definitely contribute. Definitely.
HOWEVER, I have the power to stop it all. Right? I do. But the pain...
I understand why people swear to never do it to themselves again. Giving another person the power to destroy you again is scary when you've had it happen once before.

Whatever. Lose-Lose. Love-Lose. Love-Risk. However you choose to look at anything.


Maybe I need to bake a lot more. Baking is therapy.
Or maybe I should channel all my frustration into exercise. Now there's a thought.