Great and Small

Relationships. They are not easy. I do not expect it to be. It clearly wasn't working before, and it was partially my fault (duh). Because, simply, it takes two.

We are trying again. I am proud about this, and I am happy. New beginning. Less bullshit. More openness on your side. More honesty all around. More acceptance.

He has worked so hard, and it is evident. I have changed too, but I suppose it is not as evident. I still over-think things, which makes me prone to ask questions...which leads him to some assumptions. Which, while sometimes warranted, they definitely aren't entirely fair. Sometimes, I just want a straight answer to my direct question. Most of the time, the straight answer is all it takes to get me to shut up, and move on to analyzing something more time efficient.

I do not enjoy head games. I enjoy sarcasm, and wit, and being a goofball...but head games, great or small, make me nutty. As I get to know myself better, I see that I can be confusing. I am a deep thinker, but often times I cling to logic. I can also rationalize like a pro. I have undying hope for almost anything...incurable diseases, the future, the big things...while at the same time, I am a realist: Gas prices won't go down until the economy collapses, or they magically find a trillion barrels of oil in Nebraska, good intentions don't make up for mental instability, and Jesus is not coming back to save our asses-- so we should probably help each other instead of waiting for him to. I am fiercely loyal. Fierce. I will work hard for things I want, but at the same time I can be lazy. I don't always return phone calls. I put deep trust into people I keep close to me, I hold them to high standards (which can be unfair). I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. I have a lot of growing to do still, a lot of learning, a lot of struggle.

But I hope to be seen for what I have, not what I lack. Patience is not one of his strong points, but it's getting better. I need some of that patience. I also need to learn to bring things up in a mature manner instead of provoking...it's not fair. I used to do it without thinking to try and provoke out emotion I wasn't getting. I have it nooooow :)

Relationships are not easy. They are not supposed to be. They are not black and white. They take work.