I do

deserve better.

I guess that is that.

I have no regrets.

I am going to be ok. I am.

It's just getting to ok that will be the problem.

Liar, If We're Keeping Score

I am a dumbass, and if I get hurt from this point on, it's my own fucking fault.

I Always Believed in Futures

Oh man. I have so much to say, but my brain is scrambled right now. Lots of new information, lots of new people, lots of new committments and lots of new things to learn....aaand classes haven't even started yet!

Nor have I unpacked yet. Blah.

I missed my school friends A LOT. I truly did.

I bought a planner! It has a red polka dot reusable cover thingy :) Hopefully, it's a habit i'll stick with, as it is important this year.

I can't believe it's senior year.

Life is so full of these large pieces. You finally get used to them and get comfortable...and it's time to move on.

My Parents' Death Did I Dear Mourn

I do not consider myself a fake person. I typically wear my heart on my sleeve, especially with major feelings. When I don't feel like I can let it out, it begins to gnaw at me.

My Dad's wedding was this past Saturday. I did my duties as the daughter of the groom. I helped him get the correct colored napkins so she would not remove his head from his shoulders, and I let Mary do my hair how she wanted. I greeted people at the door and let somewhat creepy aquaitences kiss my cheeks, at times dangerously close to my mouth (gross.) I actually felt I looked nice. I believe my dress was very flattering on me. Erick looked really nice as well. I helped vaccum and cut flowers and made a mix CD. I went through the motions that I deemed necessary, and were convincing of my happiness or acceptance. Though I don't think anyone involved realized I was doing them because I am a nice person; because I felt obliged, guilt-tripped, or that it was "the right thing to do." Typically, I am happy doing "the right thing." I need that solid, black and white RIGHT thing. It makes life a little easier for the hyper-analyst in me. However, it wasn't easy to sit through the ceremony. It truly wasn't. A few of the people in attendance, that have known me for years, caught my face, and later asked me about it. Thank god her back was to me.

The vows were nice at first, I guess. I don't know how I'll ever get married, because pure syrupy-sweet vows like that doesn't work for me. It's gross, and it doesn't strike me as real. Unfortunately, I believe the traditional Catholic marriage vows are most realistic. They had fairly traditional vows followed by this "exchange of roses" thing that was clearly some bullshit the justice of the peace threw in for added romance. It went pretty quickly, too, which I was happy about. My brother kept it together, and so did I. If I'm being honest, I didn't listen to the whole ceremony, because I couldn't. The reception was nice. No one really danced, but the band was really good as far as wedding bands go. The food was good too, Taft did a nice job. I realized I had some allies in the room besides Erick and company. Some old neighbors were in attendance, and they could tell how I really felt. I had some good conversations with them, and tomorrow night I've having dinner with a woman who was best friends with my mom for years. She's going to show me pictures, and I'm pumped to some degree. People like her are going to help me learn about my mom, and that's what I need so much, since my Dad can't really talk about her.

So, my point is I made it through the wedding. My big plan had been so sit in my room a few hours before and cry or something, to get it all out. It didn't work out that way. So I think it's boiling up in me now. I was miserable today. It was a number of things at play, but still. I felt bad, because Erick had to deal with me, but then realized how many hours of my time I've spent with him while he's miserable, and he could handle it. I was accused of holding it in and not talking about it, but at this point it's so thick I just felt fucking BLAH. I think I'm just very sad. The wedding stirred deep mommy emotions, and it hurts. I realize it's easier to be angry than to be sad. It's an uphill battle though with this for me, constantly. I typically can make peace with situations after a while. This one just won't quit.

I go back to school super scary soon. Truly not ready for the stress yet. Blaaaaaaaaaah.

This entry was a good vent. All we can do is keep breathing.

I'M NOT A FAILURE NOW!!

LOOK AT ME NOW, BITCHES!!!!
No more feeling guilty and needy.

:-) So happy. I don't even feel like it's real!!!!!!!!!!

I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!!!!!!!!

Short End of the Stick

Ok, so the house I'm living in for this coming school year is really very nice, and I'm excited about it.

I'm nervous about the tension that could form between the three of us. Especially now that my Dad has seen the house. He thinks it's really nice, but he doesn't think it's fair that we're all paying equal rent on it when my room is about half the size of each of their rooms, and mine isn't even a real bedroom...it doesn't have a door (which I forgot about.)

In my head, it didn't really matter, so long as I had my own room. It did cross my mind that the way we chose to pay for it really was unfair to me, but given all the other bullshit surrounding the house, I felt I was lucky to get a spot at all. My guilt (for really almost no reason) got the better of me. So I didn't say anything, and I volunteered to take the shitty room.

However, now my Dad is bitching about it to an extent, and so is Mary, who can never keep her fucking mouth shut. It sucks, and I do regret not even bringing up the subject with the girls, but it's definitely too late now! So shut the fuck up!

Shall we dealth into my guilt? Obviously a major thing was that I wasn't driving, and also that I didn't think I was going to be able to live off campus any way. I thought that I would be commuting to campus every day. So I didn't make an effort to find any place to live. It's hard to go check places out and meet with people if you always have to have someone else bring you there. Whatever the case, one could argue that I just completely slacked off and didn't look on the internet or anything (which I did, but was unsucessful). The other thing that happened was one of our roommates from last year fucked us over and signed a lease with another group of girls and didn't tell us. That left us with a group of 3, and it's harder to find a place for a group of 3 to live than it is for a group of 4. I, of fucking course, was the 3rd. The other 2 were almost definitely going to live together because of the number of years left in their programs. I knew I was going to get fucked over from the get-go, and asked them to just tell me if they were going to kick me out. This is after having an entire year of tension with one of them, any way. Eventually they tell me no. So I am full of relief when we find this really nice house, and decide to martyr myself and take the shitty room, knowing that one of them would have taken it if forced, but that I already felt guilty enough, and since I'll probably feel rather alienated from them by the 2nd week of school anyway, I might as well live on the ground floor by myself.

Neither my Dad nor his wife understand my emotions here, nor do they understand the dynamics of the 3 of us living together. I guess I did fuck up by saying nothing, and I wish I had. But I'm in too deep now I guess. One of them is nice to my face, and we're good friends, but I know she gets irritated with me. The other can be nice, and has good intentions most of the time, but she's an ice queen and definitely looks down on me. They both get along very well.

So idk. I'm psyched for this house, but not for all the possible tension and shit. So it goes.
Driving test again tomorrow. Currently freaking out. I need to drive, it's necessary to my existance, but I kinda am starting to not like it that much already. Whatever, maybe it's because I drove all day today, and I'm exhausted.

I can't take this wedding bullshit.

Is This Time Telling Me?

Ok...

Is this time telling?????

I feel like such a moron. Is something trying to hit me over the head and tell me "he is not right for you, get out!" ???????

I am so stupid.