How It Feels

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to feel the beat

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

You spent half of your life trying to fall behind
You're using your headphones to drown out your mind
It was so easy, and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

Someone's deciding whether or not to steal
He opens the window just to feel the chill
He hears that outside a small boy just starting to cry
'Cause it's his turn but his brother won't let him try

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet

It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat

Regina Spektor, Eet.

Hippity Hoppity

I have not written in a long time. I am inclined to do so now...sort of.

I have multiple "To Do" lists. They are daunting. Especially on Easter- eve. I've begun to shy away from holidays, and had been basking in the glory of the "holiday season" being over. I've also come to the conclusion that my (roughly) year and a half of complete hell came to a close at the start of this semester. Finally. The undertow let go.

My show is coming, quickly. My sketch comedy show. Monday marks the beginning of hell week. I still love theater, but Quinnipiac helped destroy it for me a little bit. I don't know exactly how much I love it any more...at least directing. Quinnipiac has taught me that I may or may not be a huge fan of the directing process. But then again, who the the hell actually learns about the directing process at Quinnipiac University? Right.

The "injuries" of the past year are so are sometimes apparent. Damaged trust, scary dreams, avoidance of home. I love my immediate family but have little patience for them at times. I miss my mom. A psychic-medium came to my school said my Mom was standing behind her, twisting her tongue. Clearly, I can't tell if this psychic is real or not, but it seemed like something my Mom might do.  I don't know. I'd like to see a medium again though. This psychic had a lot to say. She had me choose 10 cards. Right in the middle those I chose...she flips over one and says "So...a broken heart. What's that about?" Oh my. Deep shakey breath in.

I feel like a workaholic. Like a few people I went to high school with, and their parents. I always thought to myself "I will never be like that." I feel "like that" lately. Only problem being that I am so caught up in the present that I have little time to think about the FUTURE...which is quickly, QUICKLY approaching. I almost have a bachelor's degree. It feels unreal. 4 years already? Really? And certainly no plans yet for after graduation. Certainly not. It makes me feel ill. 

I want to bake, but I really do not have time. I will next week. Promise to self. When show is over, I will bake. Chocolate chip cookies. I need some comfort. 

It's raining, and I can hear it hitting the house. I have tentative plans for later tonight, but I'm not looking forward to leaving a house. Although I might feel differently once I'm home. I don't know if the weather should be such a deciding factor in making or breaking my mood. 

I have props that need making and modifications. Some of which I need Mary's glue gun for. 

I slept until 11:15 today. That's the latest I've slept in... months. It felt like I was breaking the rules. I keep occasionally mistaking the rain noises for people moving around outside noises. It's creepy. This house makes creepy noises. 

I have a project due in my creative non-fiction class on Thursday that I really should get done today. I have to draw a comic. Not thrilled. Too time consuming. 

I'm in kind of a somber mood. Eh. Not the best time to write after not writing in months. I'll write something happy and inspiring after Tomatoes is over and I can get the rush of being on stage and donating a good chunk of change to a good cause. 

All my friends say, that of course it's gonna get better...

...gonna get better, better, better, better, better, beeeeetteeeeerrrrr

Internship= seems awesome. but oh, the work. Ready for take off! Nooow. Tomorrow is the first day.

Last weekend= Amazing company. Awesome hibatchi. Not enough homework.

Work= WQUN...anchoring, which is a good thing, but 15 hours a week is alot. But money. I need money.

Tomatoes= fabulous. They came back excited to see each other and ready to go, even though 3 of them weren't there, the energy was what I've been waiting for. What drives my passion. I felt the energy.

Classes= Yikes. Lots of journaling, lots of reading. 15 credits away from my degree. Deep breathes. Still have the time to sleep, but that won't last long.

Feelings= been in notably good moods lately. Like, more notably good than in months, which I think you never realize until it's happening. Clearly this is a good thing, but it wouldn't be what it is without balancing it out with fighting tears while making dinner, for reasons I don't fully understand. I fought them hard though, we mustn't let the tator tots see us cry as we place them in the oven. Broken hearts hang heavy, I suppose. Grief flickers as a candle, but we've been over that. Grief is not just for funerals, and grave visits, unfortunately.

Regina Spektor reminds me of the first time we broke up. I played the album, "Begin to Hope," constantly in fact, I played it out. I rarely listen to it now. It's beautiful, but it makes me sad. The songs are playing for me now, in my head. Lady sing the blues so well... as if she mean it. The problem is the looming Super Bowl, it brings me right back. As if it's hell down here in the smoke-filled world, where the jokes are cold... I think I've been in such good moods because I'm taking credit for all the work I've put in the last 4 years. It gives me a bit of a sense of security, it makes me feel accomplished. Lately I feel stronger again. I haven't felt like that in a long time. But still, today a deep sadness or something like that spread it's roots again. Ugh. Maybe it's just like muscle memory. Our emotions are like muscles. ...they don't laugh at jokes, they laugh at tragedies. I wish I could watch the last year on fast forward.



I want to sleep now, but my creative non-fiction syllabus is demanding I do some reading before bed, it's such a bitch.


Wednesday might be a snow day. One can only hope. Spoon under the pillow with the pajamas inside out. QU shall text me at 5 AM and let me know. One can only hope the 13 hour+ day will begin late or be cut short.



...and it breaks my heart, it breaks my heart, it breaks my hea-a-a-eart

But I Don't Say A Lot of Things...

...and you, my love, are gone

Break is quickly wrapping up. I'm sitting here pondering the beginning of a new semester, and getting overwhelmed. Not that I haven't done it before... but it's so overwhelming. Neither work nor internship has confirmed my hours for next semester, and that is stressful because I also have meetings that need to be scheduled around them. I was hoping this would be taken care of by now, as I've been in contact with both coordinators throughout most of break. Whatever. I love SPB, but it absorbs much of my time. There also happens to be a lot of guilt tripping within the executive board. Which irritates the hell out of me, because we're all good people, and if we aren't showing up somewhere or doing something it's truly because we can't, and not because we do not want to. Sigh. Back to the grind veeeerry soon.

It's cold. So, so cold. Arctic temperatures cold. Go outside for 10 minutes and your flesh freezes cold. My house is cold, it's so drafty. I hate the dog. I hate that my dad picks up my perscription for me and has to hide it, because if she finds out that he did something for me she'll start shit with him. I hate that people change so much, and so extremely. They fuck you over, and yet you still care. Hold out hope for something...but what exactly? You know. I sit here in desperation, have a good reason to leave the house, well, kind of a good reason... and then...wait I have to reconsider because I know I stand a chance of becoming, well, absolutely completely upset. Lose-Lose situations I create for myself over and over, but others definitely contribute. Definitely.
HOWEVER, I have the power to stop it all. Right? I do. But the pain...
I understand why people swear to never do it to themselves again. Giving another person the power to destroy you again is scary when you've had it happen once before.

Whatever. Lose-Lose. Love-Lose. Love-Risk. However you choose to look at anything.


Maybe I need to bake a lot more. Baking is therapy.
Or maybe I should channel all my frustration into exercise. Now there's a thought.

"This place is FUCKED!"

It's roughly one week until my last semester of college. Scary thought. I need to do things, make plans. Scaaaaary stuff...poor economy. Ugh. MONEY.

Money is basically the devil unless you have a lot of it. Discussion of loans yesterday made me think playing the lottery every day is probably a very good idea. Or finding some other way to make a large amount of money in a short period of time. Because otherwise my college loans will never be beaten, and they will keep killing my father. Yay. I don't even know how much of them are in my name. The price of college makes no sense, and while I would not trade my experience at QU, as I see the stress the debt has placed on my family and I, I almost wish I had gone somewhere far cheaper.

I will enjoy the last semester, and take advantage of every opportunity that I possibly can.

Little Miss Sunshine is on TV. It's very exciting to me, because it's one of the movies I'd like the own. I love the characters, they're all so quirky. The performances are all so honest. Ultimately, it's hilarious and heart warming, and still addresses the deep, emotionally terrible parts of being human. Plus, the score is fabulous. It kind of makes me wish I drove a VW bus.

It's time for football, and 24. It's been time for football for awhile...where as 24 has made us all wait over a year. 24 makes me sad, but I need to watch it. Jack Bauer is one of the few TV characters one can really respect. Heh. Football, on the other hand, has never been a sport I admire. It's lame. Look at all the giant men jumping on each other for the tiny ball. Awesome. Plus, last year, the Super Bowl was one of the last events before the brakes were slammed on my relationship. Vampire Weekend, fast food, and the stupid bowl, beginning of the end. Woo.

It's 2009. What do I want in 2009? Graduation, a job, to get in shape, to read more books for fun. I don't know. Once the semester starts, I'm going to try and eat healthier and work in exercise as a regular part of my too full schedule. If I follow through, I deserve a gold star. Or something. And maybe this year, I'll discover if people can actually change or not. You know? Discover anything hopeul, and anything better than the last year and a half. Because being pushed to the limit isn't fun...over and over, and in every aspect.

I mean, if it absolutely must continue (and I know for a fact, portions of it will) bring it on.

Served Cold

Well, isn't that special.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt...it's a frikkin ocean.

What goes around comes around.

People are rarely as they appear. Things are never what they seem. I can't say I am surprised any more. I am jaded.

J-j-jaaaaded

So sick of all the liars in my life.

But at the end of the day, I have no one to blame, but myself. Blind stupid fucking love.

I can't wait until karma breaks all involved. I can't wait.
3 fold.

And I deserve so much more.

I will never fucking settle.

I work too hard, love too hard.

Cry too hard.

I need an outlet.

C'mon karma..... help me out.

A Very Merry

So, I've been to NY to see friends and family, and it was nice. Better than nice.

Came home to some sort of evergreen bush. No, it's not a tree. It's a bush. It has roots, and it's in a pot. It will be planted in the front yard soon. That was what she wanted, so that was what we got. I had to decorate it when I came home. By myself. Woo. It's kind of cute, I suppose. It's better than nothing. Christmas bush. Hahaha.

I got a few nice things for christmas. New perfume! finally! I was more santa like this year- my brother commented on it. Ho Ho Ho.

Lots of things are wrong. It only sort of felt like Christmas.
But.... I press on.