Far Away, Far Away, I Want To Go Far Away

Challenges keep arising. Optimistic happy people call them challenges, instead of "bullshit" I suppose. Bright and shiny.

I don't feel bright and shiny any more. It's definitely still there, but I'm fighting hard for it. I'm stressed out and lonely- and sad. But whatever. Not like I haven't been through worse I guess, but it was different. Much different.

Psycho Dragon Bitch has reared her ugly head. Hates me for taking my vacation as a vacation and is entirely fucking irrational. It's all about her. SHE doesn't like that I choose to sit on my ass. Fuck her. Seriously. Her chance is fucking done. I mean, it has been since last March. But who the fuck says to their new husband "It's her or me!" Get a fucking grip on reality, it's the house I grew up in, it's MY family, I'm not a 35 year old crack dealer that still lives at home! I love being made to feel guilty for existing. Fucking bitch would love to see my father drop me completely just before my finaly semester of college, wouldn't she? It's for my own good, right? Which is why she makes such a big fucking deal out of it that it threatens HER marriage? Right. It's all for my own good. Yes, that's all she's thinking about- my best interests. Not her controlling-psychopath issues, or her childhood, or how her circumstances were in raising her daughters- right? None of those HUGE ELEPHANT issues have anything to do with the current challenges. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I pulled an Izzie Stevens yesterday and baked 3.5 dozen cookies and will do the same today. Only Izzie does muffins. Izzie also does it only for theraputic reasons, and I was doing it because of the cookie swap tomorrow. As if I have time for it, but whatever. I need to get something theraputic somewhere. Writing English papers is not theraputic. Baking is! Beating up dough with a rolling pin= theraputic.

Anyway, was thinking once again at how it's so damn typical, and I am unwilling to accept typical. Like I guess I could have predicted it all, my 11th grade religion teacher basically did predict it all. You know, it's what people do, it's how love works. I guess I just get confused because I wasn't that girl. Whatever. I just don't know what to do, entirely.

Here I Go, Scream My Lungs Out...

Sometimes, I feel so angry that I want to destroy things. Like breaking all of the glassware crap downstairs and seeing the colored water soak the rug might be kind of satisfying. Or hurling rocks through windows, or punching holes through walls. Or burning the photos and cards that I have saved.

Maybe it would make me feel a little bit better.
Maybe.

The last year of my life was basically season 3 of Grey's in which the writers said they wished to "burn it all down." Maybe it's a lame comparison, but I know what I mean.

I get hopeful about all the problems. I do. I try to be proactive, and deal with them, and take them one day at a time. But I still get a couple of hours here and there where I'm just angry. Because I don't know what pieces will work out and be better, or which pieces I just have to legit escape from. And I feel like the stupid characters we discuss in my English course, the characters who played by the rules, did everything they were "suppsed" to do by cultural standards-- and yet got fucked over in the end, and could NOT understand why. I played by the rules. Blah.

I should probably just pick something to break, or punch. Because otherwise I'll just end up sitting here....ugh, plotting and growling and scaring the cat. The cat loves me!

It's nice to have a week off-- completely off. Oh, it's glorious! I fall asleep so early, clearly I am drained. Completely and totally drained. I fall asleep around 11:30 on whatever couch I am on, at whoever's house I am at.

But, I will say this. I felt a little bit of that birthday/almost holiday magic. It was nice and warm and tingly. I love that feeling. Seriously, it feels magical. I know there's more to come. I have a lot of awesome people in my life.

But I've got to get out of this mental/emotional place.

Hmm, so, nothing is solved or different. I pleaded my case, and was told "what you're saying makes sense, but each of you makes sense, and I'm tired of hearing it." I also got bitched at for thinking that she truly just wants me out of the house. Due to her intense beliefs. Whatever. At least I'm not in denial. It just sucks when your father is.

I am lonely, and it's dangerous. Because lonely means vulnurable, and fairly lame decision making skills. I guess I walk a fine line. So sick of living with little to no comfort...so so sick of it.

I need some changes in a very big way.

And it's just so cold :-(

She Feels like Kicking out all the Windows, and Setting Fire to this Life.

"Stop being dramatic"

Don't ever say that to me. If I'm "being dramatic" it's for a damn good reason.
Jesus, I see right through her, and my own father doesn't.

"Well, she has her views, you all have valid points"

No. Fuck her opinion. She's not my mother. She's not one one-millionth of who my mother was.
I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HER VIEW POINT.

I am going to lose. I am going to go down in flames and lose, terribly.

All because of her opinions.

"She does have say, Cate, she is my partner"

One hell of a partner. Doesn't even have her head on straight. Can't keep a job, really. Can't handle a goddamn thing.

"You and your brother are going to go off and leave, and what will I be left with..."
I am not going to leave you. What if she dies? What if something happens to her? You think I would abandon my father and my brother?

Part of my identity died with my mother, and my immediate family reminds me every day.

How did I get here? How do I get out of here?

If hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year...

Just when I think I've found some comfort in my immediate family, they fuck it up.
And I realize it's true. The people I held absolutely closest to me are gone.

No, seriously.

My Mom is dead.
My Dad loves me, but he is a slave to her first.
My brother is acting selfish.
....my heart is broken.
My last grandparent is gone.


I have amazing friends, I do.

but my immediate family is very close to all gone.

Mary disagrees with how I was raised, and how my father chooses to treat me. Like it's her fucking business. I'm almost 22 years old, and I can't be "fixed." Fuck her. My Dad won't tell her she's fucking whacked, so maybe I should. But what good would it do?

She's completely insane, my dad married her, and so now he does his best to not set her off, aka, do exactly what she says. This includes whatever her feelings are on me.

And so the vicious cycle continues..

I CAN'T WAIT TIL I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO MOVE OUT.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.

Almost that Time of Year...

My Dad just came to have lunch with me :-D Made me soooo happy!

I forget how much I miss them.
With one exception of course.

The exception now attends therapy alone. (As opposed to couple's counseling.) Just as I predicted. LMAO. Therapist saw the bright neon crazy sign lighting up and it wasn't pointing to my father!

Therapist realized she's the problem, not my father. Pretty sweet deal. Apparently though, I caused some of her issues the require the therapy, or she needs to go and bitch about me. Stupid bitch has a job now, but apparently think I was "coddled" too much. Little late to get your panties in a bunch about that one, don't you think? Her other issues are childhood issues. But seriously, they will get taken out on me. Lovely.

Cannot WAIT to go home for winter break man, caaaan't wait.
Luckily, I'll still be paying rent here. So yeah. Though I've lost one of my safe havens... :-(... I'll have gained another, which is pretty sweet. Maybe I'll even drag my brother or friends along. Hmmm.

It's amazing how much warmer I am with a full stomach. Wow man.

I guess I'm writing because I was so so so so happy to see my Dad, and spend a little time with him....but Mary still freakin lingers in my mind, and she won't go away until I permanently move out, and I don't know when I'll be able to do that. Pressure man, pressure. Which is her point, percisely.

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Holidays are coming. Shoot me in the face!

I Am In Love with a Boy, Manufactured to Destroy

Can't shake the feeling that my family is dying off. In actuality, I still have plenty of family left, but, with the circumstances that exist within my immediate family, it's no longer easy or normal to be connect to extended family. I grew up being connected to them, and I am an adult now, so obviously I still can be, but it's difficult. It's much nicer when your immediate family is right there with you. But things change. Circumstances change. People die.

Relationships die.

You can accept people as your family and almost not realize it til it's too late... or feel lonelier than you ever thought you would be without someone.

I bitch and moan, and these are normal life things. But when I consider what I had before age 16, and what I have now...
Jesus Christ.

I have great friends, I still have a lot of family. Never will I ever claim I am unlucky, or that I haven't been blessed. But it doesn't mean you can't feel lonely. Or wish desperately for someone to completely understand you. I feel my emotions are so lost on my family, "You'll be fine. You want to talk to someone? I'm worried about you..." No, it isn't fine. No, I already talked to someone, and realized all the coping mechanisms/attitudes he was attempting to teach me I already posess. It made me feel better, but it's not necessary. Therapy can't help me get over it. That's something only time can help with.

My computer wants to be a part of my past, too. It keeps shutting down by itself randomly. I'm pretty sure it's over-heating. It had a bout of this a while ago. Ugh. I just want a Mac at this point. But there's no money. Ever. So it just stresses my Dad out. "Use it til you can't use it any more." and I shall. Piece of shit Dell. Brought it to the Help Desk today, "It might be the mother board, and those are expensive, and you don't have a warranty any more." Mmm, right. I'll just take the battery out and try it just plugged into the wall.... did it work? Of course not. They can't even diagnose a fucked mother board, apparently. That's cute. Whatever. I just wanted this thing to get through one more school year, it didn't even have to make it til June, just through May! But it's ok, my year from hell is almost over. It's November now, where it all started last year. So I paid my dues. I get a break soon, right?
But I know that isn't how it works....I don't even say it with bitterness. It just isn't how it is. The universe is cold.

So we press on.

I'm still not ready for winter...coldness and darkness do not translate well into my volatile moods. I have plenty to look forward too, but all the things feel empty. Mourning is such a bitch.

Seriously, I used my metaphor of having big holes punched through me. They show themselves in different ways every day. It doesn't mean I'm never happy, or myself. It just means there are pieces missing that I didn't think would be.

It's lonely here..... but it's life. Maybe I'll learn to never invest so much in one person. Maybe.

But I don't want to be like that either.

I did nothing useful with my extra hour.