Why'd You Have to Go and Let It Die?

All that it takes is some time,
but I'm shattered.



And I don't know what can ever exist without trust.
Back to running mental circles.


EDIT 11:54 pm-

Let's review what I truly deserve. This is for me.

Complete trust, honesty, also... to compete with NO ONE, not even remotely, not even a little bit. I should NEVER, EVER have to deal with that BULLSHIT. I should not have to WASTE my energy and time TRYING to figure out if I'm being lied to, or if I need to even entertaining the idea of competing with some other girl. I should not be the second choice. I AM BETTER THAN THAT. I should not have my very understanding/forgiving nature TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. My feelings should come first to someone I'm in a relationship with- I deserve the said person's patience, support, caring and worrying- I should be the only person other than family to get thisstrong an out pour of feelings from them....I should not be the person who gets the LEAST of these things!! That's FUCKED UP!
I deserve to get to see the best of a person I'm with, not only the worst. I deserve to be a large part of this person's support system, but not their crutch, or their mother. I deserve the same support in return.
I deserve to be someone they enjoy spending time with and look forward to spending time with-- not a burden or an obligation. My feelings to not rise and fall within someone else's convenience. I am not here for someone else's convenience. I am fiercely loyal and that doesn't change with the weather. I deserve no less in return. I do not deserve to be second choice for time-spending, either. I don't deserve to be there only if there's nothing better to do. I am better than that.

I do not deserve to be yanked around like a rag doll. I am a real, whole person with feelings. REAL feelings. I am not a toy, or an object.

I do not respect cowards. I do not half-ass things. I love fully and with all of me. Making my list of priorities is a privilege, not a right. Seriously.

I acknowlege that everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. People's experiences, parents and situations help make them who they are. These things are not in our control. However, no one has the right to hide behind their past. At some point we grow up. We reflect, we get help if we have to. We need to look back and learn from what we've been through. Ignorance and lazyness is no excuse. Especially faked ignorance. It doesn't mean that we live without pain or damage, or that it's always easy, but everyone has pain and damage, and it's important to remember you're not unique. I do not deserve to have that pain inflicted onto me. There is a difference between supporting and being a psychological punching bag.

I don't do mind games. I am not stupid. I read people well, especially people that I've known for a long time. It doesn't mean I don't ever miss anything-- love has blinded me before. But I should not be messed with. I can see right through you when I know you. I swear... I have been deeply underestimated in the past. Do not underestimate me.

I deserve the best- with no exceptions.

Then Why the Hell are you so Sad?

Mmm. So.

The universe is unfolding as it should...

I get that. Seriously.
But it doesn't make it any easier!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: We create our own consequences.
Myself included! (Duh.)

I just don't know where any of the pieces go any more. When that happens the walls go up.
Me and confusion, we hang out a lot.

I always run in circles. So, what does one do?...Stop running, OR, leave the circle. I stopped.
But I can't shake that feeling that I've got these gaping holes that everyone can look through.

In all seriousness. I truly stopped running. Dead. It's the only thing I can possibly think of to DO at this point. How else do I protect myself?

I wish my brain could process it all faster. Maybe that's part of my problem-- it still hasn't all been dealt with yet.

Ugh. I am vague and messy.

I wonder if my emotions shine through my eyes all day long. I mean, in general everyone's do. Bet I'm exhausting to look at.

Disconnect

People generally create messes. Emtotional messes, psychological messes....and quite obviously, physical messes.

I think I have gotten quite used to cleaning up, or, desperately trying to clean up those messes. Maybe that's why my major is PR. Haaaa....What's a little scary is that I'm so used to being at a mess's beck and call that now that I am not, I feel disconnect, and like I have holes punched through me. I feel fairly discombobulated.

"discombobulated" looks cool typed out.


The main advice I keep hearing is, "Focus on yourself, now. Take care of yourself." Ok...so I sleep enough, I eat enough, I go to yoga once a week, I'm all involved, I do my homework (most of the time), I work. Uhhhh... what else do I do? I still feel discombobulated...big chunks are missing. I'm trying really, really hard here. I do not know what else to do to take care of myself--to make ME feel better.

Yeah, once again I've gone and attempted to describe a feeling that's pretty hard to describe.

....

Though, now that I think about it, I imagine "broken heart" could've just saved me a few hundred keystrokes. Ohhhh man.

The damn crickets here chirp constantly-- all day and all night. Chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp. It's damn annoying. I feel like there are lots of extra crickets in Hamden. At home I live near woods and stuff, and I don't hear crickets all freakin day long. Last year they always got into our school house, I killed several of them. This year a huge chirping monster got into my room. Still though, thanks to Disney whenever I kill one I feel like I shouldn't have. Like I just murdered my conscience.

There was a Praying Mantis on our front steps a few weeks ago. Bugs like our house, apparently.

It keeps getting cloudy then sunny again, and windy. I wish it would just rain and get it over with.

How do you completely push out someone you've let so far in for so long?
I was thinking about this this morning...
How do you come to a logical conclusion that someone you've cared about so deeply for so long is actually a person that fits into one of those catergories of people in your head that you don't like, need or really, honestly respect and look up to????
It's funny, this whole paragraph can be read in 2 ways.


It's fun to realize your self-esteem is more damaged than originally thought. It's easy to get sucked in and over analyze it. It's not easy to toy with the idea of how easy you are to fall out of love with, or how difficult it is to fall out of love with someone who probably should be very easy to fall out of love with. What's wrong with me?

I guess there's some comfort in knowing that at least I am not a coward.
At least- though disconnected, heart-broken,and confused- I have morals and values and things I believe in that will help me be healthy, and move on to hopefully better things.
I'm real-- in the least J.Lo way possible. haha.

Oh, but those holes man. The pain continues.

Deconstruction Site

I feel...empty-ish.

Hard to describe. When you spend part of almost every weekend with one person for 5 years... you feel empty without them.

I don't want to see what I have worked so hard to build fall apart

To be perfectly honest, I'm sick of thinking about this. I'm sick of writing about it. I'm sick of the feelings caused by it. Clearly no one wants to be sad a lot of the time, or feel like they're living in a bad dream most of the time. I don't like that if I wake up early I don't want to go back to sleep, because I always dream most deeply when I do that, and I hate dreaming lately. I absolutely avoid dreaming.

Well, I'm the truest true that you ever knew

I was right all along. The pieces of my life stretch far beyond him. In no way am I at a complete loss. I never cut anyone else out. I never stopped being me. I always said that, and I now know I was absolutely right and it's absolutely true. I guess there's some comfort in that. It's good to have yourself to fall back on. Haha, even if there's really not that much room to fall.

I miss everything...



I love fall, but it got kinda cold last night, and I was sooo not enjoying it. Ugh. I want crisp fall days that are sunny. Not this weird cold, humid evening stuff. Bleh.

Last night I could've gone out to dinner with a few e-boarders and Syrus and Brooke from the Real World. I hadn't been feeling great since the afternoon, so I opted out, plus who really wants to eat with 2 people who were on Real World and pretend they know something about politics? Mmm, right.

I haven't hiked yet, and I really miss the mountain. Maybe tomorrow? Depends on if i'm feeling better or not.

Oh, I hate homework. I don't want to do the academic part of school...obviously, I WILL. But I'm sick of it. I hate unclear professors, or crazy professors. I'm tired of trying to please them and work with them. It's so lame- how difficult is it to make a syllabus that you pretty much stick to? Or how difficult is it to have class on a Thursday, and bring the assignment you want finished for next Tuesday with you? Oh wait, I forgot, I don't have a life and am a slave to my e-mail so I can allow for the time to do a damn assignment that you send to me at some point over the weekend. LAME!

I think I'm over English/Lit. classes. They ruin books for me. They are nit-picking ridiculous. Rawr, complain complain complain.

Tonight I have to run my friend's event on campus cuz she's on a retreat with another group. I'm a tad nervous, but luckily one other e-boarder will be around to help. It's "Irish Night" haha, yeaah. I guess we'll see how it goes. Oh yeah, also going Apple Picking with honors this afternoon. Woooo, fruit.

I have much running around to do as well-- and never enough money for it all! It's sooo awesome.

:(

I'm having a "sad" day.


I seriously, seriously was dropped like a bad habit.

I could type it out, but it's the same things I've said a million times, just this time in the context of sad instead of angry.

It's not fair.

My Chemicals, Left me a Beautiful Disaster...

...still love's all I see

Being strong gets old just like crying does.

I am lonely.

I miss him.

Grief is the heaviest emotion there is. I feel like someone is dead. I guess something is dead.

It's really, really hard to turn someone from what you thought was your best friend to your mortal emotional enemy in your head. It hurts like hell.

And I laugh at myself, as the tears roll down
'Cause it's the world I know,
It's the world I know.

It's really, really hard to watch a huge portion of your life break off and crumble to dust in a little over a month.

Maybe I should hate you for this

I have a cold going. Or my fall allergies are rolling in, not quite sure which it is currently. But yeah, not feeling so hot.

School is....well, school. I'm a bit of a slacker lately. I kind of don't care. I mean, I'm still doing my work and stuff, but yeah, not at all far enough in advance. I have little to no interest in it. My attention span is still fairly limited. I have senioritis. There isn't enough money, ever. I have been more positive, seen the pros, felt the anger, picked up, you know, I know I have to just let it all go. I've been better, but as I've said before, it builds up just to fall. It's going to take a long, long time.

Had dinner with a few tomatoes last night. It made me so so so so happy. Honestly. I love doing all that stuff. I love that it ignited passion in others, and it's for a good cause, and it will probably be my legacy at this school. Thank god I have SOMETHING that makes me happy and excited.

Achoo.

There's nothing better than affairs of the heart,
to make you feel so good, then tear you apart

Katie's getting a cat to live with her in her apartment :) Clearly, this makes me incredibly excited. I wish I had an animal here right now. I want a kitty to cuddle with, and play with.


Scary stuff... being thrown back out into the "dating pool." It doesn't matter, because I have no desire to get close to anyone even remotely. I'm weary of people that go beyond acquaitances. I am scared of being fucked over again. Not that it's even remotely a current concern. Whatever, I blabber about things that hold no importance currently. My patience is gone with anyone who isn't already a close friend.

I need more little packs of tissues to carry around.

I am behind on drama class journal entries. I should do it now. Too bad I just feel like wallowing.

You know it meant everything.

Feeling like such a victim today. I don't like to be a victim. I also know I'm only the victim if I let myself be. But I feel it today,and maybe it's the weather, or lack of actual rest.

It's very possible to sleep without resting.

I just sit and think sometimes, and it hurts in such a phenomenal way.

And, I know, logically where everything falls and how it fits all together. But if all we had was logic it would definitely be easier. I wish I was operating on more logic lately. I fluctuate too much.

It just FEELS like I loved so much deeper.
I think, back in March, beginning of April, I was out of love with you. Even if it was only a short time. I saw the light and all the wrongs, and all the bullshit. I was angry, and even tho I was dumped I felt in control.
But... I followed my heart. Because all of the reasons to LOVE him, to be in LOVE made their way back up to the surface. I thought I was being so cautious. I didn't wear my ring for a long time, because I was so scared. I don't think I put it back on til sometime in the beginning of July.
I thought I was protecting myself. I really did. I thought I could trust it for some reason. Like the fear of the first time would be enough for him.
It wasn't.

I wasn't enough.
That hurts a lot, too. Is that despite all the shitty behavior and stuff, I decided he was enough. He was worth the risk, and worth my time... so worth it.
I was wrong.
I lowered my standards.

I'm being redundant here.

It's funny, cuz before, the exact same things I just wrote about made me so angry. And today they make me so sad. So I think the emotions will have different effects on my words, and they don't.

But I just keep thinking about him waking up from surgery and asking for me, all the hours I spent with him, all the movies, going and seeing Wall-E and Dark Knight, a cool day we spent at the mall together. When we watched the olympics, and that one day at the pool at the end of the summer. How I wanted to see him through everything that went wrong, and I wanted to be the one to make him feel better. How on the 4th of July he had a meltdown, and I tried to sit with him and hug him, even when he was telling me to get out, and to leave. I just wanted to comfort him. How I just fought to hard, had such a "we can do it!" attitude. I knew we were both at hard points in our lives, hard transitions. I have been for almost a year. But I thought we could handle them together. I was willing to try and do that. Which is funny, because I truly believe half the shit I dealt with he wouldn't have done the same for me if I acted out in the ways he did. He composed a song on my phone, and did funny voices. I think our goofiness got us through the summer. I was his advocate, and his full supporter. I stood hard in my positions. I am fiercely loyal, and he was not. While I was fighting so hard for him, for his rights, his identity, he was getting too friendly with a girl at work, and falling out of love with me.

You called me from that party, and I distinctly remember how sweet you were to me. It was weird. You said you wanted to talk about my day with me the next day and that you loved me and you called to say goodnight. I TRUSTED YOU. And not long before you were telling someone else how you felt about them. I TRUSTED YOU.

Then he lied to my face.

It's funny.... Cuz whenever he was overly nice to me, I always questioned it. He always got defensive "C'mon am I that bad?!"... But the one time I should've, I didn't.

I blindly handed over my trust, cuz I believed every word you said to me about trying again, and not wanting to get back to where we were in March, and blah blah blah blah blah.

I just feel so stupid :'-( I gave him a role he did not deserve.

I don't think he's as good as I gave him credit for for so long. I don't know if the potential is there any more. People make mistakes, yes. But is there no end to the mistakes? How do you come to the conclusion that someone is "bad" or that they just make a shitload of mistakes.

This isn't how you treat people you claim to love. I thought you did, I thought I felt it. But it just doesn't add up at all.

I just thought I knew him so well. His mom always told me that she thought I knew him better than she did in certain ways. I thougt I might've too, but clearly I wasn't aware of what he was capable of. Yes it "could've been much worse." Yes. But I don't even think he knows what he's done, or the magnitude of the situation.

So sad.