There are times when logic, anger and truth rule every other part of me...heart and mind.
But there are other times when I just hear a stupid song...and I lose it.
I notice the stars are particularly bright... and I backtrack.
The opposite of love is not hate,
it is indifference.
Do I ever reach indifference?
Do I ever really want to?
Is it possible to let go mentally, but not emotionally?
I am ok, but I am not at all ok.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Truth...
It's funny how it seeps through the cracks and rises out of the shadows.
It will always find away.
I am so willing to help it
Who would think that the scariest thing about Halloween, would be the truth, rearing it's ugly head.
Oh my my.
Happy Halloween!! It's my favorite...
It will always find away.
I am so willing to help it
Who would think that the scariest thing about Halloween, would be the truth, rearing it's ugly head.
Oh my my.
Happy Halloween!! It's my favorite...
Sunday, October 26, 2008
God, I Feel Like Hell Tonight...
... Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
It's been a highly stressful weekend, with good points, and little sleep.
Friday I was not on top of my game, but Nessa and Meg came over! We made empanadas, and watched Grey's for a few hours. Made me happy :) I start to miss those girls when I don't see them for a while.
Saturday I was up at 6:30am, and on campus by 7:15 for The Leadership Conference. I made buddies with the keynote speaker and made sure everything was technically sound. As far as tech stuff, it went pretty well. It was a long day, though. The conference started at 9:30 and went til 4. It was nice, and fairly productive. However, it was long. All I wanted to do was nap. I looked like hell. I got a nice little gift from the woman who ran the whole thing- a QU travel mug with the bobcat on it filled with candy. Now I have an excuse to make hot chocolate and carry it around with me. Got other free stuff, too. Yay.
Today I scheduled the first official Tomatoes rehearsal. Most of the cast didn't show. It was bullshit. Made me angry, as if I already wasn't...
Can't wait to feel whole again, to breathe again. When does that happen? C'mon bad year, be OVER.
Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
It's been a highly stressful weekend, with good points, and little sleep.
Friday I was not on top of my game, but Nessa and Meg came over! We made empanadas, and watched Grey's for a few hours. Made me happy :) I start to miss those girls when I don't see them for a while.
Saturday I was up at 6:30am, and on campus by 7:15 for The Leadership Conference. I made buddies with the keynote speaker and made sure everything was technically sound. As far as tech stuff, it went pretty well. It was a long day, though. The conference started at 9:30 and went til 4. It was nice, and fairly productive. However, it was long. All I wanted to do was nap. I looked like hell. I got a nice little gift from the woman who ran the whole thing- a QU travel mug with the bobcat on it filled with candy. Now I have an excuse to make hot chocolate and carry it around with me. Got other free stuff, too. Yay.
Today I scheduled the first official Tomatoes rehearsal. Most of the cast didn't show. It was bullshit. Made me angry, as if I already wasn't...
Can't wait to feel whole again, to breathe again. When does that happen? C'mon bad year, be OVER.
Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?
Friday, October 24, 2008
Are You Strong Enough?
Great, great Sheryl Crow song.
I should be asleep.
I'm going to regret this tomorrow, since I'm going to be a slave to my involvement from 7 until 4, and then from 6 until 10, or later.
Not thrilled about this.
I feel crampy and gross.
and angry, and confused, which is normal now.
I want to just sit here and listen to music, my 90s music. Sheryl Crow actually offers a lot of advice in her hit singles that seems to apply to me now. It's too bad her music started to suck once the decade changed.
Ugh, I don't even have a point. I am overwhelmed, and all I want is to curl up in a ball and sleep it out, like a bear. Wake me up when it's wam again. Maybe I'll have some answers.
I should try to sleep.
I should be asleep.
I'm going to regret this tomorrow, since I'm going to be a slave to my involvement from 7 until 4, and then from 6 until 10, or later.
Not thrilled about this.
I feel crampy and gross.
and angry, and confused, which is normal now.
I want to just sit here and listen to music, my 90s music. Sheryl Crow actually offers a lot of advice in her hit singles that seems to apply to me now. It's too bad her music started to suck once the decade changed.
Ugh, I don't even have a point. I am overwhelmed, and all I want is to curl up in a ball and sleep it out, like a bear. Wake me up when it's wam again. Maybe I'll have some answers.
I should try to sleep.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
No More Pressure
It's not fair. It's really not. It's not fair that I'm the way I am and you're the way you are.
It's not fucking fair.
The pressure is now off in ways. I understand that.
Better all around for both, one would say.
You have an uphill battle ahead.
I've already been "abused."
Better for both, better for both.
But knowing the nature of those involved. Knowing myself..... It's just not fair.
And it's projections, but I trust my gut.
God fucking damnit. It's not fucking fair.
Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, WHA-BAM!, Realization (cue the angelic chorus and light), and then...!
Uphill battle. (I understand that)
It won't work if I'm there. (I understand that. Plus, why should I suffer any more?)
My only gain is to stop being harmed. IT'S NOT FAIR. UGH, I sound like an ass.
My feelings fucking betray me over and over and over and over.
"Don't wait for me"
I won't I won't I won't. Not on purpose anyway. But I still wish that it hadn't been said.
I KNOW there are no guarantees on either end, I understand that. I really do.
BUT EVEN NOW, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FORCE MYSELF OUT OF LOVE.
I admittedly could be wrong, I really really could be. I could be completely wrong.
God almighty, I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Scared. out. of. my. mind.
Depressed again, but maybe it's the last time because of this.
And when I hit rock bottom, there's no where to go but back up.
It's not fucking fair.
The pressure is now off in ways. I understand that.
Better all around for both, one would say.
You have an uphill battle ahead.
I've already been "abused."
Better for both, better for both.
But knowing the nature of those involved. Knowing myself..... It's just not fair.
And it's projections, but I trust my gut.
God fucking damnit. It's not fucking fair.
Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, Suffering, WHA-BAM!, Realization (cue the angelic chorus and light), and then...!
Uphill battle. (I understand that)
It won't work if I'm there. (I understand that. Plus, why should I suffer any more?)
My only gain is to stop being harmed. IT'S NOT FAIR. UGH, I sound like an ass.
My feelings fucking betray me over and over and over and over.
"Don't wait for me"
I won't I won't I won't. Not on purpose anyway. But I still wish that it hadn't been said.
I KNOW there are no guarantees on either end, I understand that. I really do.
BUT EVEN NOW, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FORCE MYSELF OUT OF LOVE.
I admittedly could be wrong, I really really could be. I could be completely wrong.
God almighty, I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. Scared. out. of. my. mind.
Depressed again, but maybe it's the last time because of this.
And when I hit rock bottom, there's no where to go but back up.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Nothing Gold Can Stay
HOPE.
COURAGE.
STRENGTH.
please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.
Such a MESS.
Where do I even begin?
It's almost November. This means my year from hell should be over soon. Just a few more weeks, and I'm back to where it all started falling a part one year ago. So it stops, right? I get a break, right? I mean, yes, it wasn't completely terrible, but generally it was the worst year I had since my mother died, if I'm being honest. Except that I got my license. That was very good, a big deal, admittedly. Ok, so that was the one big, major thing that went right.
And I lost so much. God I feel like I just keep losing big pieces. Maybe this is what growing up really is. Incredibly, incredibly depressing. (It could be much worse...)
I used to rule the world...
COURAGE.
STRENGTH.
please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.
Such a MESS.
Where do I even begin?
It's almost November. This means my year from hell should be over soon. Just a few more weeks, and I'm back to where it all started falling a part one year ago. So it stops, right? I get a break, right? I mean, yes, it wasn't completely terrible, but generally it was the worst year I had since my mother died, if I'm being honest. Except that I got my license. That was very good, a big deal, admittedly. Ok, so that was the one big, major thing that went right.
And I lost so much. God I feel like I just keep losing big pieces. Maybe this is what growing up really is. Incredibly, incredibly depressing. (It could be much worse...)
I used to rule the world...
I Am No Superman, I Have No Answers For You
I am no hero, oh, that's for sure
but I do know one thing
Where you are, is where I belong
It's so cold. We haven't turned our heat on yet. It's gas and gas is expensive. So is electricity,but we have gas. I wish I was rich and didn't worry about things like gas bills. I wish none of us did. Especially considering my room has 8 windows. It's cold. I sleep with my down comforter and a huge fleece blanket as well. Last night was the maybe the coldest night so far, and I must've nested perfectly, because I was the perfect temperature. Did so NOT want to get up for work.
Now I need a nap.
I had a jam packed weekend, and it was mostly pretty good, with a nice twist of absolutely confused and lost sprinkled on top.
Things will surely play out... but it's energy consuming to think about.
I carved a pumpkin, and I used one of those fancy patterns. It came out really cool, and I took photos of it for proof. However, I think it was stunned by the cold weather, and is already drooping. Good thing I got pictures. I may carve another one or two since this one was a fail and lasted 2 days. I love the patterns, but this one was too non-traditional to stand up to new england weather. I still have to deck out the front of our house, and perhaps make a scarecrow or something creepy to sit in the front yard. Don't have an exact game plan yet...I love how I act like I actually have time to do these things.
I'm in a fall mood. I love fall. I love October.
I need a night of scary movies and halloween themed junk food. We did that back in high school and it was fun...
I will focus the most on my happy-fall feelings, I've decided.
Nap time.
but I do know one thing
Where you are, is where I belong
It's so cold. We haven't turned our heat on yet. It's gas and gas is expensive. So is electricity,but we have gas. I wish I was rich and didn't worry about things like gas bills. I wish none of us did. Especially considering my room has 8 windows. It's cold. I sleep with my down comforter and a huge fleece blanket as well. Last night was the maybe the coldest night so far, and I must've nested perfectly, because I was the perfect temperature. Did so NOT want to get up for work.
Now I need a nap.
I had a jam packed weekend, and it was mostly pretty good, with a nice twist of absolutely confused and lost sprinkled on top.
Things will surely play out... but it's energy consuming to think about.
I carved a pumpkin, and I used one of those fancy patterns. It came out really cool, and I took photos of it for proof. However, I think it was stunned by the cold weather, and is already drooping. Good thing I got pictures. I may carve another one or two since this one was a fail and lasted 2 days. I love the patterns, but this one was too non-traditional to stand up to new england weather. I still have to deck out the front of our house, and perhaps make a scarecrow or something creepy to sit in the front yard. Don't have an exact game plan yet...I love how I act like I actually have time to do these things.
I'm in a fall mood. I love fall. I love October.
I need a night of scary movies and halloween themed junk food. We did that back in high school and it was fun...
I will focus the most on my happy-fall feelings, I've decided.
Nap time.
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