bang bang, he shot me down, bang bang, I hit the ground

Today was mostly dreary and gross. It drizzled a lot. I hate when people refer to drizzl-ing as "sprinkling." I think it really sounds dumb for some reason. On days like today I can't decide which is worse-- full on downpours or the drizzly-lame-half-assed stuff.

I'm tired but hesitant to sleep.

Got an invitation in the mail from the president of "my workplace" to attend the staff holiday party at a fancy shmancy place where I had prom. Ugh. Go and risk seeing professors or people who I was happy to leave behind? Don't think so...I mean it is a free meal, and probably seeing who's a booze hound and who is not. I'd feel like an insider, or something. Even though "my company" writes my paycheck I detest how my "situation" was handled at the end of the year. Kind of makes you wonder how much of higher education is sort of a sham. Is it sad that it leaves such a horrible taste in my mouth? I really feel like myself and my peers made the most of my experience much more so than almost any of the educators...with the exception of a few.

Reduced calorie Oceanspray juice is kinda gross. Fail.

I really want to see a meteor shower. Forgot about the one last night. Almost don't even want to google it to see pics cuz i feel like it'll ruin the first experience or something.

I thought I was in the mood to babble for a while but I guess not.

If man is 5..and the devil is 6, then God is 7

Never stopped caring, you know, not even for a second. Maybe got really tired of the expectations and the head games and stuff, but never, ever stopped caring.

You hear news, and you think things, and you worry. Yeah, I worry. People send flowers and cards and stuff, but really you wish you could send hope, encouragement...or like a big crystal ball telling them it'll be fine. Or a hug in an envelope, or something. There are obviously no guarantees, but I have hope, and confidence. For whatever that's worth. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

"Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."

Been having very very weird dreams again lately. All they do is reprove to me how many crazy feelings I keep neatly stored away inside my head. It's funny when you have a dream chock-full-o-symbolism and it almost plays like a novel full of metaphors reads, but then you realize it wasn't some crazy author or director, but your very own sub conscience choosing the symbols. Like what does a guy with his stomach stapled represent? I have a few guesses.

The author of the "Twilight" series was on Oprah the other day, and she said she was inspired by a dream to write the first book...a very vivid dream. Maybe I'll do that next time? And become a world famous novelist? Riiiiight. The movie was stupid, any way.

For the first time in a while sleep's tugging at my eyes. Giving in. Heavy dreams for some heavy thoughts? Perhaps. Probably. 'Night.

Thoughts

"We are walking down the street, holding hands. There's a playground at the end of the block and I run to the swings and climb on, and Henry takes the one next to me, facing the opposite direction, and we swing higher and higher, passing each other, sometimes in synch and sometimes streaming past each other so fast it seems like we're going to collide, and we laugh, and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment."

Just a quote I like from The Time Traveler's Wife-- the book, not the movie. Finished the book last night, and it made me think a lot.

For instance, I wonder what draws people together. When you consider how many people there are just wandering around this giant world, you have to wonder what brings us together in the little groupings we end up in. Obviously we gain friends from places we frequent; school, work, etc., but what about those we have no daily connections to that simply fall into place, into our lives?

They come in and out for various reasons. But how do they know when to arrive...when to leave? When one stops helping the other and one starts harming? Or if they're really MADE for each other? I believe in soul mates. But really, what draws these souls together? ... Tragedy? Happiness? Deep emotions or silly scientific things like gravity and hormones? Is it really just about sex ultimately? The continuation of a species....or is there something more?

How do we make sure we keep the ones around who are really meant to be around us?

Can we really control who walks in and out...at all?

I am happier now, where I am. I'm calmer, I'm trusting, I'm not crying nearly as frequently when alone and left to think. I'm being met more than half-way on all levels of need. I wonder, how long is he here....and how do I know I can trust myself to take care of myself first. Because I have to, always.

More stuff is floating around my head, but I am too tired to fish it out.

My eyes are tired. I am tired.

How It Feels

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to feel the beat

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

You spent half of your life trying to fall behind
You're using your headphones to drown out your mind
It was so easy, and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

Someone's deciding whether or not to steal
He opens the window just to feel the chill
He hears that outside a small boy just starting to cry
'Cause it's his turn but his brother won't let him try

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet

It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat

Regina Spektor, Eet.

Hippity Hoppity

I have not written in a long time. I am inclined to do so now...sort of.

I have multiple "To Do" lists. They are daunting. Especially on Easter- eve. I've begun to shy away from holidays, and had been basking in the glory of the "holiday season" being over. I've also come to the conclusion that my (roughly) year and a half of complete hell came to a close at the start of this semester. Finally. The undertow let go.

My show is coming, quickly. My sketch comedy show. Monday marks the beginning of hell week. I still love theater, but Quinnipiac helped destroy it for me a little bit. I don't know exactly how much I love it any more...at least directing. Quinnipiac has taught me that I may or may not be a huge fan of the directing process. But then again, who the the hell actually learns about the directing process at Quinnipiac University? Right.

The "injuries" of the past year are so are sometimes apparent. Damaged trust, scary dreams, avoidance of home. I love my immediate family but have little patience for them at times. I miss my mom. A psychic-medium came to my school said my Mom was standing behind her, twisting her tongue. Clearly, I can't tell if this psychic is real or not, but it seemed like something my Mom might do.  I don't know. I'd like to see a medium again though. This psychic had a lot to say. She had me choose 10 cards. Right in the middle those I chose...she flips over one and says "So...a broken heart. What's that about?" Oh my. Deep shakey breath in.

I feel like a workaholic. Like a few people I went to high school with, and their parents. I always thought to myself "I will never be like that." I feel "like that" lately. Only problem being that I am so caught up in the present that I have little time to think about the FUTURE...which is quickly, QUICKLY approaching. I almost have a bachelor's degree. It feels unreal. 4 years already? Really? And certainly no plans yet for after graduation. Certainly not. It makes me feel ill. 

I want to bake, but I really do not have time. I will next week. Promise to self. When show is over, I will bake. Chocolate chip cookies. I need some comfort. 

It's raining, and I can hear it hitting the house. I have tentative plans for later tonight, but I'm not looking forward to leaving a house. Although I might feel differently once I'm home. I don't know if the weather should be such a deciding factor in making or breaking my mood. 

I have props that need making and modifications. Some of which I need Mary's glue gun for. 

I slept until 11:15 today. That's the latest I've slept in... months. It felt like I was breaking the rules. I keep occasionally mistaking the rain noises for people moving around outside noises. It's creepy. This house makes creepy noises. 

I have a project due in my creative non-fiction class on Thursday that I really should get done today. I have to draw a comic. Not thrilled. Too time consuming. 

I'm in kind of a somber mood. Eh. Not the best time to write after not writing in months. I'll write something happy and inspiring after Tomatoes is over and I can get the rush of being on stage and donating a good chunk of change to a good cause. 

All my friends say, that of course it's gonna get better...

...gonna get better, better, better, better, better, beeeeetteeeeerrrrr

Internship= seems awesome. but oh, the work. Ready for take off! Nooow. Tomorrow is the first day.

Last weekend= Amazing company. Awesome hibatchi. Not enough homework.

Work= WQUN...anchoring, which is a good thing, but 15 hours a week is alot. But money. I need money.

Tomatoes= fabulous. They came back excited to see each other and ready to go, even though 3 of them weren't there, the energy was what I've been waiting for. What drives my passion. I felt the energy.

Classes= Yikes. Lots of journaling, lots of reading. 15 credits away from my degree. Deep breathes. Still have the time to sleep, but that won't last long.

Feelings= been in notably good moods lately. Like, more notably good than in months, which I think you never realize until it's happening. Clearly this is a good thing, but it wouldn't be what it is without balancing it out with fighting tears while making dinner, for reasons I don't fully understand. I fought them hard though, we mustn't let the tator tots see us cry as we place them in the oven. Broken hearts hang heavy, I suppose. Grief flickers as a candle, but we've been over that. Grief is not just for funerals, and grave visits, unfortunately.

Regina Spektor reminds me of the first time we broke up. I played the album, "Begin to Hope," constantly in fact, I played it out. I rarely listen to it now. It's beautiful, but it makes me sad. The songs are playing for me now, in my head. Lady sing the blues so well... as if she mean it. The problem is the looming Super Bowl, it brings me right back. As if it's hell down here in the smoke-filled world, where the jokes are cold... I think I've been in such good moods because I'm taking credit for all the work I've put in the last 4 years. It gives me a bit of a sense of security, it makes me feel accomplished. Lately I feel stronger again. I haven't felt like that in a long time. But still, today a deep sadness or something like that spread it's roots again. Ugh. Maybe it's just like muscle memory. Our emotions are like muscles. ...they don't laugh at jokes, they laugh at tragedies. I wish I could watch the last year on fast forward.



I want to sleep now, but my creative non-fiction syllabus is demanding I do some reading before bed, it's such a bitch.


Wednesday might be a snow day. One can only hope. Spoon under the pillow with the pajamas inside out. QU shall text me at 5 AM and let me know. One can only hope the 13 hour+ day will begin late or be cut short.



...and it breaks my heart, it breaks my heart, it breaks my hea-a-a-eart

But I Don't Say A Lot of Things...

...and you, my love, are gone

Break is quickly wrapping up. I'm sitting here pondering the beginning of a new semester, and getting overwhelmed. Not that I haven't done it before... but it's so overwhelming. Neither work nor internship has confirmed my hours for next semester, and that is stressful because I also have meetings that need to be scheduled around them. I was hoping this would be taken care of by now, as I've been in contact with both coordinators throughout most of break. Whatever. I love SPB, but it absorbs much of my time. There also happens to be a lot of guilt tripping within the executive board. Which irritates the hell out of me, because we're all good people, and if we aren't showing up somewhere or doing something it's truly because we can't, and not because we do not want to. Sigh. Back to the grind veeeerry soon.

It's cold. So, so cold. Arctic temperatures cold. Go outside for 10 minutes and your flesh freezes cold. My house is cold, it's so drafty. I hate the dog. I hate that my dad picks up my perscription for me and has to hide it, because if she finds out that he did something for me she'll start shit with him. I hate that people change so much, and so extremely. They fuck you over, and yet you still care. Hold out hope for something...but what exactly? You know. I sit here in desperation, have a good reason to leave the house, well, kind of a good reason... and then...wait I have to reconsider because I know I stand a chance of becoming, well, absolutely completely upset. Lose-Lose situations I create for myself over and over, but others definitely contribute. Definitely.
HOWEVER, I have the power to stop it all. Right? I do. But the pain...
I understand why people swear to never do it to themselves again. Giving another person the power to destroy you again is scary when you've had it happen once before.

Whatever. Lose-Lose. Love-Lose. Love-Risk. However you choose to look at anything.


Maybe I need to bake a lot more. Baking is therapy.
Or maybe I should channel all my frustration into exercise. Now there's a thought.

"This place is FUCKED!"

It's roughly one week until my last semester of college. Scary thought. I need to do things, make plans. Scaaaaary stuff...poor economy. Ugh. MONEY.

Money is basically the devil unless you have a lot of it. Discussion of loans yesterday made me think playing the lottery every day is probably a very good idea. Or finding some other way to make a large amount of money in a short period of time. Because otherwise my college loans will never be beaten, and they will keep killing my father. Yay. I don't even know how much of them are in my name. The price of college makes no sense, and while I would not trade my experience at QU, as I see the stress the debt has placed on my family and I, I almost wish I had gone somewhere far cheaper.

I will enjoy the last semester, and take advantage of every opportunity that I possibly can.

Little Miss Sunshine is on TV. It's very exciting to me, because it's one of the movies I'd like the own. I love the characters, they're all so quirky. The performances are all so honest. Ultimately, it's hilarious and heart warming, and still addresses the deep, emotionally terrible parts of being human. Plus, the score is fabulous. It kind of makes me wish I drove a VW bus.

It's time for football, and 24. It's been time for football for awhile...where as 24 has made us all wait over a year. 24 makes me sad, but I need to watch it. Jack Bauer is one of the few TV characters one can really respect. Heh. Football, on the other hand, has never been a sport I admire. It's lame. Look at all the giant men jumping on each other for the tiny ball. Awesome. Plus, last year, the Super Bowl was one of the last events before the brakes were slammed on my relationship. Vampire Weekend, fast food, and the stupid bowl, beginning of the end. Woo.

It's 2009. What do I want in 2009? Graduation, a job, to get in shape, to read more books for fun. I don't know. Once the semester starts, I'm going to try and eat healthier and work in exercise as a regular part of my too full schedule. If I follow through, I deserve a gold star. Or something. And maybe this year, I'll discover if people can actually change or not. You know? Discover anything hopeul, and anything better than the last year and a half. Because being pushed to the limit isn't fun...over and over, and in every aspect.

I mean, if it absolutely must continue (and I know for a fact, portions of it will) bring it on.

Served Cold

Well, isn't that special.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt...it's a frikkin ocean.

What goes around comes around.

People are rarely as they appear. Things are never what they seem. I can't say I am surprised any more. I am jaded.

J-j-jaaaaded

So sick of all the liars in my life.

But at the end of the day, I have no one to blame, but myself. Blind stupid fucking love.

I can't wait until karma breaks all involved. I can't wait.
3 fold.

And I deserve so much more.

I will never fucking settle.

I work too hard, love too hard.

Cry too hard.

I need an outlet.

C'mon karma..... help me out.

A Very Merry

So, I've been to NY to see friends and family, and it was nice. Better than nice.

Came home to some sort of evergreen bush. No, it's not a tree. It's a bush. It has roots, and it's in a pot. It will be planted in the front yard soon. That was what she wanted, so that was what we got. I had to decorate it when I came home. By myself. Woo. It's kind of cute, I suppose. It's better than nothing. Christmas bush. Hahaha.

I got a few nice things for christmas. New perfume! finally! I was more santa like this year- my brother commented on it. Ho Ho Ho.

Lots of things are wrong. It only sort of felt like Christmas.
But.... I press on.

No One Else Will Know These Lonely Dreams,

No one else will know that part of me.
I'm still driving away,
and I'm sorry every day.

I feel like the rain today... I haven't felt like this in a while. That day that I could relate more with the thunderstorm than with other people.


It's a lie, a kiss with open eyes...
I can't let it bother me.

I can't let it bother me.

Right.

Just Leave the Presents and then Leave Me Alone

I MISS MY FRIEND!!!!!
It's simple, but, oh, really, it's not.

I bought a baby fake christmas tree for $3.89. And I bought christmas lights for it. Christmas lights make me very happy.

Today I actually drove into New Haven, I was nervous, but I made it. I had to cover a press conference for WQUN. I admit, it felt rather pointless. But I guess, when you're in radio news and you're going some place just to hear people talk if feels pointless because there's this little invention called the phone. But any way, I felt like I was in Gotham...yes, the fictional city. Batman wasn't present, nor was the Joker, but the press conference was about the new "Ban the Box" initiative the city has enstated. Basically they're taking the "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" box off of the city job application. It reminded me of the corruption and crime of Gotham. I mean, if you combined the political corruption of Waterbury with the 5,000 ex-cons trying to find jobs in New Haven, you'd have Gotham. But I covered a story, and I am a real reporter- kind of. So weird.

I got my grades. What a disappointing semester. Overall it didn't really harm my cumulative GPA all that much, but still. Lots of unwanted B/B+s and not enough A/A-s. However, it's clear evidence of my slackery, not to mention my ever-so-lovely emotional state for the majority.... wait...the ENTIRE semester. Whatever. Too bad my GPA holds a larger chunk of my self worth than I'd like to admit.

Christmas approaches quickly. I spend more time alone than around people. I got a bunch of stuff for people, but I still have so much more to buy, and only one paycheck, and one trip to NY to finance. Ugh. I have plans for tomorrow though. The dollar store is my bff.

I haven't done dishes in days. Not good. Whatever, if I didn't have roommates, I would be one of the messiest people ever. I clean like once every 2 weeks. Idk. I guess I just see other things as more important. But I'm not disgusting, because I'm also OCD about cleaning once I start. Weird.

3 days til Ingrid & the city & the fam. Woop.

Fill Them Up

When everything is slowly stripped away...what is left?
Is this it?

After it all.....


and you give, and you give,
and you give yourself away

DONE, WOOP WOOP!

I am officially DONE with finals this semester, yaaaay.
Dunno how well I actually did on that last one, but I kinda don't care.

I am sitting in the SPB office, and the student center is just so damn eerily empty. I don't like it.

I only have one semester left....ugh. So fucking scary.

What can I do now???
Bake
Go to the Dollar Store
Christmas Shop (with limited funds lol)
Wrap Christmas presents
Watch a lot of Grey's
Oh yeah, Work.

Wish there was a Christmas Tree at my place currently, cause I like them. They make me happy.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SEMESTER IS OOOOOVER!

Ugh, so much free time....so much free time. I guess this is what I need to learn all over again.
:-'( All we can do is keep breathing.

'Cause I Am Giving Up

Oh, life is stressful. But I have one more final, just one more. Tomorrow! Comm. Law! Wish I was done though, so I could actually justify writing in my blog. Oh well. At least the 2 major final papers, a presentation, and a monologue are actually done already. Just one last test. Thank god.

I got my dad part of a christmas gift, also. Yay. But I still have a long way to go with those. Guess that's ok though, since I'll be here all next week so I can work. Hope I can handle the loneliness. Whatever, it's preparation for real life. Ha. It's also better then having the psycho plotting to kill me in my sleep.

Also..... you know, it just makes me sad. Purely sad, but I have to stop. I have to stop trying because clearly I did something wrong or whatever. Or something. Or maybe this is how I'm supposed to get better, how I'm supposed to heal or something. I don't know. I am just floating here though. One bad thing about schoolwork ceasing to exist for several weeks.... it's a lot for time for thinking. So sad. If you push me, I'll move. I am trying to stop trying, and it hurts. Ugh, whatever. Frustrated and done and sad. Happy Holidays.

At least next weekend should be good. Ingrid Michaelson! NYC! Friends! Cousins! Maybe I'll feel like I fit in somewhere again, and I'm not just floating, waiting for someone to snatch me out of the air and give me a place next to them. I'm not depressed any more. A few weeks ago I definitely was. But still....blah.

Thank god for what I do have. My friends here and home. SPB & Tomatoes. These are a few of my favorite things. Things that keep me sane and functioning and laughing no matter how much family drama or boy drama or stupid stressful assignments arise.

I am soooo looking forward to next weekend.

Can't wait to rise above all the bad stuff. It's been over a year of challenges. Rise aaaaboooove.

Far Away, Far Away, I Want To Go Far Away

Challenges keep arising. Optimistic happy people call them challenges, instead of "bullshit" I suppose. Bright and shiny.

I don't feel bright and shiny any more. It's definitely still there, but I'm fighting hard for it. I'm stressed out and lonely- and sad. But whatever. Not like I haven't been through worse I guess, but it was different. Much different.

Psycho Dragon Bitch has reared her ugly head. Hates me for taking my vacation as a vacation and is entirely fucking irrational. It's all about her. SHE doesn't like that I choose to sit on my ass. Fuck her. Seriously. Her chance is fucking done. I mean, it has been since last March. But who the fuck says to their new husband "It's her or me!" Get a fucking grip on reality, it's the house I grew up in, it's MY family, I'm not a 35 year old crack dealer that still lives at home! I love being made to feel guilty for existing. Fucking bitch would love to see my father drop me completely just before my finaly semester of college, wouldn't she? It's for my own good, right? Which is why she makes such a big fucking deal out of it that it threatens HER marriage? Right. It's all for my own good. Yes, that's all she's thinking about- my best interests. Not her controlling-psychopath issues, or her childhood, or how her circumstances were in raising her daughters- right? None of those HUGE ELEPHANT issues have anything to do with the current challenges. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I pulled an Izzie Stevens yesterday and baked 3.5 dozen cookies and will do the same today. Only Izzie does muffins. Izzie also does it only for theraputic reasons, and I was doing it because of the cookie swap tomorrow. As if I have time for it, but whatever. I need to get something theraputic somewhere. Writing English papers is not theraputic. Baking is! Beating up dough with a rolling pin= theraputic.

Anyway, was thinking once again at how it's so damn typical, and I am unwilling to accept typical. Like I guess I could have predicted it all, my 11th grade religion teacher basically did predict it all. You know, it's what people do, it's how love works. I guess I just get confused because I wasn't that girl. Whatever. I just don't know what to do, entirely.

Here I Go, Scream My Lungs Out...

Sometimes, I feel so angry that I want to destroy things. Like breaking all of the glassware crap downstairs and seeing the colored water soak the rug might be kind of satisfying. Or hurling rocks through windows, or punching holes through walls. Or burning the photos and cards that I have saved.

Maybe it would make me feel a little bit better.
Maybe.

The last year of my life was basically season 3 of Grey's in which the writers said they wished to "burn it all down." Maybe it's a lame comparison, but I know what I mean.

I get hopeful about all the problems. I do. I try to be proactive, and deal with them, and take them one day at a time. But I still get a couple of hours here and there where I'm just angry. Because I don't know what pieces will work out and be better, or which pieces I just have to legit escape from. And I feel like the stupid characters we discuss in my English course, the characters who played by the rules, did everything they were "suppsed" to do by cultural standards-- and yet got fucked over in the end, and could NOT understand why. I played by the rules. Blah.

I should probably just pick something to break, or punch. Because otherwise I'll just end up sitting here....ugh, plotting and growling and scaring the cat. The cat loves me!

It's nice to have a week off-- completely off. Oh, it's glorious! I fall asleep so early, clearly I am drained. Completely and totally drained. I fall asleep around 11:30 on whatever couch I am on, at whoever's house I am at.

But, I will say this. I felt a little bit of that birthday/almost holiday magic. It was nice and warm and tingly. I love that feeling. Seriously, it feels magical. I know there's more to come. I have a lot of awesome people in my life.

But I've got to get out of this mental/emotional place.

Hmm, so, nothing is solved or different. I pleaded my case, and was told "what you're saying makes sense, but each of you makes sense, and I'm tired of hearing it." I also got bitched at for thinking that she truly just wants me out of the house. Due to her intense beliefs. Whatever. At least I'm not in denial. It just sucks when your father is.

I am lonely, and it's dangerous. Because lonely means vulnurable, and fairly lame decision making skills. I guess I walk a fine line. So sick of living with little to no comfort...so so sick of it.

I need some changes in a very big way.

And it's just so cold :-(

She Feels like Kicking out all the Windows, and Setting Fire to this Life.

"Stop being dramatic"

Don't ever say that to me. If I'm "being dramatic" it's for a damn good reason.
Jesus, I see right through her, and my own father doesn't.

"Well, she has her views, you all have valid points"

No. Fuck her opinion. She's not my mother. She's not one one-millionth of who my mother was.
I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HER VIEW POINT.

I am going to lose. I am going to go down in flames and lose, terribly.

All because of her opinions.

"She does have say, Cate, she is my partner"

One hell of a partner. Doesn't even have her head on straight. Can't keep a job, really. Can't handle a goddamn thing.

"You and your brother are going to go off and leave, and what will I be left with..."
I am not going to leave you. What if she dies? What if something happens to her? You think I would abandon my father and my brother?

Part of my identity died with my mother, and my immediate family reminds me every day.

How did I get here? How do I get out of here?

If hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year...

Just when I think I've found some comfort in my immediate family, they fuck it up.
And I realize it's true. The people I held absolutely closest to me are gone.

No, seriously.

My Mom is dead.
My Dad loves me, but he is a slave to her first.
My brother is acting selfish.
....my heart is broken.
My last grandparent is gone.


I have amazing friends, I do.

but my immediate family is very close to all gone.

Mary disagrees with how I was raised, and how my father chooses to treat me. Like it's her fucking business. I'm almost 22 years old, and I can't be "fixed." Fuck her. My Dad won't tell her she's fucking whacked, so maybe I should. But what good would it do?

She's completely insane, my dad married her, and so now he does his best to not set her off, aka, do exactly what she says. This includes whatever her feelings are on me.

And so the vicious cycle continues..

I CAN'T WAIT TIL I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO MOVE OUT.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.