A Long Time to Pretend.

He fell out of love with me. 

Probably a long time ago.

And I was the last to know.

Acoustic #3- Goo Goo Dolls

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause shes got nowhere to go
And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
AND I TRIED SO HARD TO REACH YOU :(
But Your FALLING any way

And you know I see right through you
'Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all the screaming
You're not listening anyway

I Know you Well Enough to Know...

I reevaluate my life.

How much of the last year was real in terms of my relationship? Coward.
It makes me so, incredibly sad. So incredibly ridiculously sad.
Because it was real to me, even when I was struggling, it was real. The feelings were real.

I'm watching Ace of Cakes, and it's a repeat. Boo.

I think it's only a matter of time before he dates her. This honestly makes me feel nauseaus.
I don't think I spelled that word right.

PR class was good. We got our client. Real stuff, real place, real plan. Aaaah. Of course I really took charge. I am a leader, with leader-ish qualities. It's good I guess. My group seems good. A married 22 year old girl who just moved here from texas, a hockey player from Southern Canada. A volleyball player. I'm optimistic so far.

He said "You don't want me back, so what do you want me to do?" Ok....I never said that. I said "I don't know" and it's true. I mean, clearly, right now, absolutely not. But I'd like to make something clear. You don't want to be here. I think you haven't for a while. It kills me. But you know what? I know where I'm not wanted, and I have no desire to be there.

Plus, all the mistreatment helps one to walk, and be pushed, shoved and carried away.

Can't wait to get paid. Went back to work Tuesday. I work again tomorrow, and yeah. The fact that I'll have some money again soon, even really small amounts...is exciting. I missed that feeling the whole summer.

How much is it personality that can't change, that I thought I was so in love with....and how much of it is behavior/issues that can be modified? The world may never know.

I need to learn to cook more things. I need to go out more this year. No, that doesn't mean get drunk every weekend or something. But it's senior year, so some fun is necessary. But I know my definition of fun is a lot different from other people's. I'll play it by ear I guess.

I saw Dylan today, from Tomatoes. He has hair!!!!! It's so weird. It's been so good to see my peeps from Tomatoes around. It makes me happy. Wow, happy. Wow.

I am tempted to make a long list of things I hate.... but even if I kept it private, I'd feel mean. But it might make me feel better. Something to consider.

All the physical activity was good for me yesterday. It made me tired, but today I felt so much better than I did on say, Tuesday. Tuesday was a very very bad emotional day.

"Actions speak louder than words." It's one of those cliche's your mom tells you along with "Treat others the way you want to be treated." But the older I get, and the more I go through life, the more I realize how true it is. Talk is just talk.

NOTHING'S OK, we've been Lied To

I'm in this huge, deep pool. And I can't see the sides, they're too far away. I can't touch the bottom, it's too far away. I'm floating, and I can swim, so it's cool. But I'm fucking getting tired, and it hurts...my muscles burn, my eyes burn. This is all despite the fact that I know how good it is for me; how right.

A hero won't come in time, a martyr won't save our lives, he cant...

My comfort is gone. My life-saver yanked out from under me.

Everything that's dead shall be regrown, and your vicious pain, your warning sign, you will be fine...

I will be fine. Will be. Future tense.

I feel so empty. I am so fucking angry, but at the same time, I miss him in a way that I can't even comprehend it's so intense.

No amount of distraction is enough. I was busy today, from 8AM till 10:30PM, and I still come home and cry.

I don't even know what to write, because it is pure feeling. Pure sadness, pure anger, pure LONELINESS.
.........

I had real yoga today. I had it last week, but it was the intro so we didn't do anything. We did stuff today. I know I'm gonna feel it tomorrow, but I have to admit it was relaxing. And I'm surprisingly good on focusing on nothing. I just think "I am here. Right now. The past isn't, the future isn't, just this moment." and it makes me focus.

About an hour after yoga, I had my voice and movement class (theater) and it's awesome. The people in the class are awesome, the professor is awesome. However, we were up and moving the entire 2.5 hours. I'm talking walking, running, jumping, standing. Seriously, it's awesome and fun, but it's intense. I'm tired.

I need a hot shower and a long sleep. Weird dreams have returned, however, yaaay.

I need to find out what I need to do to feel physically better. Honestly. Physical and emotional shit has been my specialty this week. I'm tired of it.

I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok

They Don't Laugh at Jokes, they Laugh at Tragedies

I feel like everyone who cares about me enough to listen, is sick of hearing it. Because it was so obvious to everyone that it was so wrong, everything was just so wrong. "You deserve so much better."

I won't lose anything/one else, so I've sort of attempted to stop talking. It doesn't feel that difficult, because everything's been said (at least, I think?) The people who need to hear the explanation have heard it.

But my feelings are changing, and I feel like shit. Physical, and emotional shit. It could be because it's only the 2nd week of classes, and I went from doing nothing this summer to being incredibly overwhelmed. That's very possible. Or maybe I'm getting sick. Or maybe the emotional ridiculousness is taking over and gnawing more than I thought it would. I never thought I was fine, but I thought I was doing better than this.

I don't really enjoy being left alone. I'd rather have people around, because then I'm ok, if I'm alone I tend to want to wallow. I need to wallow when I need to wallow. But wallowing is never fun or entirely welcomed, even when it's necessary.

I guess what's worse is that I know how it works on the other side. I know my feelings will be a lot worse for a lot longer. That makes me angry.

Everything makes me angry.

And I don't know why I feel so fucking lonely. I am not alone. I didn't even feel like this the first fucking time.

I should do homework. I've been slacking.

Sarah just went in our kitchen to examine our loaf of bread on the counter, to see if it was moldy yet or anything. There was a hole chewed through the bag, a fairly large hole. Ugh. I can't handle this right now. I just imagine rats, with the ability to collapse their skeletons under doors. UUUGH so gross. Ohh laaaandlord!

Other news....SPB has been keeping me on my toes. This is good and bad. I think it's part of the reason I feel so exhausted. But it's keeping me busy, and I need to be busy. It's strangely satisfying, and I didn't think it would be. I guess it gives me purpose.

George Bush is on TV talking. Blah blah blah John McCain was in a war. Blah blah blah he was captured. Blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit. It's a scary time to live in this country.

I don't know, but I am down. down down down.

How many times can I break til I shatter?

I woke up at 5 AM this morning, for no reason. This hasn't happened since everything went down. All I was wishing for was that he was there. I hate to admit it, but I wanted him to be next to me. It makes me cry.

And it makes no sense. Why would I want someone there who was never sure if he really wanted to be there? I try to remember that he is "sick" in a sense, and lost.

We have/had? real feelings though. I don't know where those go. Neatly in a tight little box, in a drawer. Buried deep from the world, deep from my memory. It's too bad it's everywhere, and they would never fit neatly any where. And were they real? Or were they just cuz they were safe, and comfortable. I'd like to think they are/were real.

We were supposed to help take care of each other. I think this time around I did about 70% of the caring. Better than the first time, but it isn't good enough.

I wish it were simple, black and white. But even with all of the lies, which make me so incredibly angry, I'm inclined to care. I'm inclined to worry if he's sleeping, or if he's crying too much, and his family. Of course I care about his family. They were practically my family. They are all hurting as forbidden topics of the past float to the surface and bob dangerously....guilt, abuse, damage. All out in the open, and Jesus Christ, who the fuck knows what to do when that happens?

You are so damaged, such a victim of circumstance. A victim of life. I never pitied, but I wanted to help. We're all victims. But you took advantage. You're not strong like me. You weren't given the tools I was.

I don't know why I wanted/want? to fix you so badly.

I run in circles.

Wonder if I'm crying too much.

And you give, and you give, and you give yourself away

...Nothing to win, and nothing left to lose...

I thought I'd have so many thoughts to wrangle and post here, but really, there's nothing left to say, except a few stray thoughts.

You love until you don't, you try until you can't.

Potential isn't enough.

Compassion and understanding will be the death of me.

I loved fully and with all of me, and I believe that's all we can do.

I expect the truth, and only the truth, and honesty, and he couldn't or wouldn't give that to me.

I believe in second chances, and third, and maybe even fourth, but at some point, you have to move on. Forgiveness is important, but at some point you have to protect yourself. Ignorance is not an excuse, but perhaps worse is having the insight and making no effort to correct what's wrong.

I don't know if you ever wanted to change. I don't know if you have the strength to do it.

I have no ill will, no bad wishes. I want only the best for him. I want him to get better. Be the best man he can be. Someday he'll find the right person for him, but I guess that isn't me. I don't type those words with ease.

Just because you are strong enough to withstand being mistreated in some way, doesn't mean that it was ever right. Just because I was strong enough to stand for 2 people, doesn't mean that I should've been. I knew that all along. I don't know why I tried to save him so hard. In the end, no one can save anyone except for themselves. He didn't want to be saved, he just wanted to lean. I'm tired of being used like a drug. I guess that never really stopped.

Self-control, morals and values are all things I have, and that I am very, very good with. I always have been, it is a built in part of my personality. I am cautious, and I want to do the right thing. I need someone else who believes these things. It doesn't mean I never make mistakes, or that I am never wrong, or that I can never tolerate mistakes in others. However, I believe in consistency, and that values should be followed. They should be strong within yourself at this age. No one should have to tell you right from wrong and you shouldn't have to be babysat.

Perhaps most importantly...
I need no one's pity. I don't want it. Most of all, I don't want it from someone who I care about so deeply who I pour myself into like that. I don't want your pity. That's so incredibly offensive. I don't want to be protected. Fuck you for trying to protect me from the truth.